Additional Thoughts on Christmas

Last night's post might have come off a little harsh.  I am in actuality feeling rather in the Christmas spirit.  I've been listening to Christmas music, and singing along, in the car for a couple weeks.  The choir was awesome in church last week and I was glad that we got to sing along to a couple of my favorites.

Our Relief Society Christmas party is tonight and I'm really looking forward to it.  Quincie and I (Quincie's are prettier) made a TON of really awesome snowflakes for the table decorations.  I think they look amazing!

I am not grumpy about Christmas.  I just don't enjoy all the superficial hype.  The attitude of scarcity that starts on Black Friday is the opposite of the true spirit of Christmas.  The message of Christ is good news, it is love and hope for everyone, not just the first 5 in line.  His love extends to all and so in our celebration of his birth we should extend our love to all.  It's not about stuff - it's about love.

Thoughts on Christmas

I'm feeling a little disgusted with the general atmosphere out there in the world right now.  I just want to stay home, or go run away into the wilderness.  I just don't understand all the hype about "stuff".  I have been out of drinking water and milk for 3 days now.  I don't want to go to the store.  All the insanity about rushing to buy the latest, or hurry and buy this or that before they are sold out is making me crazy and wanting to be a hermit. I don't care if they are giving away the thing for FREE, there is no way you are getting me out of bed in the middle of the night to go stand in line to pick it up.  There is nothing I want that bad.

I finally broke down and went to the grocery store tonight.  I was half way into making dinner and realized I was out of tomato sauce.  Stuffed peppers NEED tomato sauce, so off I went.  While I was there I refilled my drinking water jug and bought some milk, and then I was out of there!  Thankfully the real Christmas trees just sold out.  That means that the parking lot can return to some sort of normal.  It's not like there are tons of parking spaces available on a normal day.  For  the last 2 weeks a fourth of the parking lot has been taken up by the massive tent selling trees.  Dead trees that smell wonderful, but are nonetheless dead. 

Anyway, I'm irritated.  Irritated that the stores are full of pushy, aggressive people competing with each other for parking spots, and then Christmas deals.  I'm irritated that the stores are pushing people to buy things they just don't need, and won't want in a month.  I'm irritated with the general selfishness and shallowness of the whole ball of wax.

I don't have any Christmas decorations up at home yet.  It's not that I'm anti Christmas, we are just undecided about real vs. fake and I'm not dragging out the boxes until we know what the heck we are doing with that stuff.  I don't want to be tripping over it for the next 3 weeks.  That will only get me more irritated.

All this might make me sound like a Hum Bug, a regular old Scrooge, but I'm not, promise.  I LOVE Christmas, but I DON'T love all this superficial crap.  I'm not big on decorations period - either for my house or for myself, and Christmas is the only holiday that gets any decorating around here..  My walls have a few things on them, but mostly they are pretty bare.  I like empty space.  I like simplicity.  I like things to look clean and uncluttered.  I don't wear a lot of jewelry or make up.  I'm just not into all the glitz.  I kind of think trees look really great in the forest, not necessarily in my living room.  And then there is the work factor to consider.

What comes up, must come down.  If I'm not excited about the task of putting it up, can you imagine how I will feel about taking it down?  With my current attitude what decorations do go up could be there till Easter.  When I think of the cost of buying, and shipping presents, a real tree, the stand, and all the ju ju that goes with it, the cards, stamps, blah, blah, blah, I get a little grumpy.  I'd rather take that cash and do something meaningful with it, or at least really fun - like a party!  or a trip! or at the very least some really yummy food.  The time savings, well, I can think of a MILLION other things I'd rather do than shop and decorate!  Taking a nap is at the top of my list of better things to do.

I love parties, and I like presents.  I will go to all the parties I am invited too and open any presents that come my way with a big smile on my face.  I will sing, and I will dance (if I get the chance).  But, I won't  go fight the crowds and waste my time and money on useless endeavors that just become next month's trash..

Life's a Party

Life's a party and today is one of those boring parties with bad food.  You know the kind, you don't want to go, but you feel obligated out of guilt or pity or some other dismal emotion.  You go, your one of a handful of guests, and you end up staying to the bitter end so the host doesn't have to clean up alone.  It's all obligation, and no joy.  What this party needs is some live music and cupcakes!

Well, today wasn't exactly like that for me, but it illustrates my point.  Sometimes the way I spend the hours in my day seem so boring and pointless, all obligation and no joy.  Why do I get myself obligated to dull, drudgery?  How is it that I am shut off from fun and excitement?  I really gotta step it up a bit and start living.  Shake this funk that's hanging around my head, step out of the clouds and into the sun.  

The Box

The box arrived in the usual fashion.  The delivery truck barreled down the street, the driver rushed out, rang the door bell, and dropped the box on the stoop with an unceremonious plop, then rushed off to repeat the process all over town at other doorsteps.  Some of those packages held birthday presents, books from Amazon, new clothes or replacement cell phones for those accidentally flushed.  Some were surprises, and others were expected, and a few, like the cell phones, were eagerly stalked and tracked every step of the way.

My box held none of these things.  It was expected, but not with great enthusiasm.  In fact when it arrived, it sat and starred at me from the couch for a couple of days before I could open it.  I started too, but I just wasn't ready.  It was sent with love and contained precious treasure, but no shipping insurance could recover the cost if the items were lost.  It was a plain brown, well worn box.  It bore the familiar hand writing on the address panel.  I have always envied that hand writing.  Mine always looks like that of a 2nd grader in comparison.  Neat, even, loopy in all the right places - that's my Mom - she's just like her hand writing - neat, even, and loopy in all the right ways.

Mom was the sender of the box, but the items were not directly from her.  They were a gift from the past, physical manifestations of memories, tangible reminders of love, a connection to the generation before her that lived, and loved, and is now gone.  But not gone, just moved on, or over, off the visible screen, but still here.  The items in the box are a physical link to the reality of my grandparents lives.  They lived.  They had a home, and children, and grandchildren, and all of us are still here, even when they are not.  The things they left behind help remind us that our memories are true.  They lived in that small house on Picotte Street and filled it with love, elephants, music boxes and old cars.  They filled their lives with children  grandchildren, and great grandchildren, and now each holds that love in their heart, and a music box, or a cookie jar, or an elephant or some jewelry in their hand..

The things in my box help me to remember, help me to remain connected to where I came from.  So long ago we all sat in front of the photographer - Grandma and all the girls - her 4 granddaughters.  It was such a fun day.  Grandma telling us to stand up straight and make sure our ears didn't stick out.  We waited so long for our turn, all the while laughing and joking.  That image hung on their wall, our 2 dimensional faces beaming those happy smiles at her every day, while our  3 dimensional smiles were far away.  It was us who left first.  We went away to school, got married, had babies.  She held the memory of us all together close for nearly 3 decades, there on the wall.  Now it hangs on my wall, and I see those beaming smiles, and those straight shoulders and feel that love.  We are together again in those moments.   We have never parted.  We are connected.

Sleepy Thoughts

My days start before the sun.  I love the look of the sky at 5am, it's a deep, dark blue, and the stars shine bright against that cool blueness.  The sun is rising somewhere and the black of night has warmed to a soothing blue.  The world is quiet at that hour, until my neighbor starts his Corvette about 5:10 and leaves for work.  The sound of that 1970's engine roaring to life brings back childhood memories for me..  It's not an unpleasant break in the silence.  Just like that, it is gone, and the silence returns.  By 6am the neighborhood is awake.  The runners, the dog walkers, the bus catchers, are all out on foot.  The cars are backing out and lining up at the hundred year light leaving the neighborhood.

Fifteen hours later, I am beat.  My head is fuzzy and my back hurts from sitting in this chair, staring at this screen all day.  Yet, still, I sit, and write these words.  Tonight in my feverish sleepiness I feel compelled to spill my thoughts out into the world.  My head feels crowded, too many thoughts getting all tangled up in there.  It's time to let a few out.

The sky is dark, and cloud covered, the air is still and sticky.  The humidity clinging like the hopelessly undone tasks of the day, refusing to let go, begging for one more moment's notice. The sound of distant TV's, dishwashers and A/C's blend into a form of silence. 


Tonight I am sleepy, easily lulled to sleep I looked without the filter for as long as I could today.  The sky trades sun for moon and my  eyes softly close into rest.

Way Over Due

Here are some photos of my long over due visit to Colorado.  It had been years since I had seen many members of my family.  Life is too short, and family is too precious to let time slide by like that again.

 The Noring Clan -  Mandy, Rod, Dad, Rik, Me, Florece, Cherie, Scott (top row) Aubrey, Kathie, Grandma Edlyn, Sandie, Taylor, Jordan, David (center row) Kaeili, Dagny, Carlie, Ricky (front row)

 Wendy, Rik, David, Cherie, Dad and Sandie

 Wendy and Grandma Edlyn

 Rik, Florece, Dagny, Carlie, and Ricky

 Tina, Mandy, Kathie and Rod

Dagny lost a tooth Saturday morning.

Rik getting ready to auto cross

Abram and Aaron

Aleck, Aina, Auntie Wendy, Alana and Ani

 Rik and Wendy at AutoCross

Ramblings on the Plane

I am so freakin bored!  It's killing me not to turn on my  phone.  I think I have a problem.... All I want to do is play a little scrabble.  What did I do before gadgets?  I used to read actual books.  What did I do with my hands?  Oh ya - turn pages ...
Just watched "Grown Ups".  It made me tear up.  Am I really that overly emotional?  I guess I just saw how they were all friends having fun with their kids.  I am determined to keep having fun.  All the stress is just pointless.  Something snapped inside of me this weekend.  The stress button just flipped off.  I am really just cool with letting things roll.

It's hard to say just what the trigger was, the straw that broke the camels back.  So much of significance has happened in the last week.  My grandfather Teusink passed away a week ago today.  For years I have worried about that day.  I always worried how my mom would handle it.  Turns out she's become a lot tougher than I knew. I wasn't able to be there with her.  I was in Colorado Springs at my Dad's  It was the first time I have seen him in about 6 years. [I don't want to write anymore]

This seat has a lot of room, but the arm rest is weird - can't use the left one unless you sit too far forward - strange ...

Watching Monk now - Bored!  Why do some people love this stuff so much?  It's just boring.  Where are the cell phones?  Cops, professionals locked in a bank vault and not a one has a cell phone or a radio???  See what I mean?  Stupid!!  Only a moron could find this engaging.

I've been praying for clarity for a few months now.  I want to see things as they really are.  I think it is starting to happen.  It's like a light has turned on.  Reality is not always easy to look at.  Sometimes the facade we create is much better looking, but much less useful.  I find it quite refreshing.  It's easier to love people.  Not because you ignore their faults, but because you embrace them with their faults.  Seeing people as they really are makes most of them much more lovable.

Observing so much of my family this weekend was so interesting and educational.  With four generations interacting, the patterns were evident, the connections from one to another weak or strong, shape the fabric of the whole.  Love is the bridge that covers the deep water of pain, ties the broken cords, mends the broken fence.

How easy it is to create a joyful experience with our open heart and clear vision.  Seeing through the bluster, the pure motives are laid bare.

[The sun is setting.   From the plane window the horizon is glowing pink - gorgeous!]

[Now they are showing 30 Rock - Nos so stupid.  Tina Fey is ok in my book - kinda reminds me of someone :)]

Did I mention that I hate saying good bye?  It really sucks.  I don't like crying - I cried this weekend - kind of a lot .... Sometimes love hurts.

Flying into the sunset.

Grandma Edlyn

On my recent trip to Colorado I was able to spend some time with my Grandmother.  While at her house I took some photos of photos she had hanging on her walls.  The top photo is of her and I on Saturday October 2, 2010 at my Dad's house in Pueblo.  The center photo is of my grandparents shortly after they were married.  They were both 19, and obviously he was in the Navy.  The bottom photo is of my Grandmother as a young woman.  I have no idea how old she is, but I think she looks like a movie star!

Out of Sync

It's 3am .  I've been awake for over an hour.  Yesterday I was up at 4:30, and just stayed up.  By noon I was exhausted.  My sleep is all out of sync and I am most displeased.  Historically I am a good sleeper.  Throughout my life it is one thing that I am consistently good at.  I am still for about 2 minutes, and I am asleep for a good solid 8 to 10 hours.  I don't wake up, I don't toss and turn.  I just sleep.  Apparently not today, or yesterday.  I am hopefully for tomorrow.

I am awake and bored!  At this hour even my kids are home and asleep.  It is too early on the mainland for anyone to be awake.  It's not cool to call to chat at 7am on a Saturday.  Besides, I have to be quiet since everyone, including the dogs, are asleep at my house. The kitchen needs cleaning but I can't exactly go banging around the kitchen and wake everyone else up.  Only in the bathroom could I turn on the light and not bother anyone.  I'm bored, but I still don't feel like scrubbing toilets. I don't think it is possible for me to be THAT bored.  So, I sit here in the dark, at my desk, trying to type most quietly. 

 Lately I haven't felt like writing.  My blog posts with just a photo of a flower, and  a simple title are a good example.  My mind is not quiet, the deep thoughts are still there, just disorganized.  I start a sentence, and then I backspace and delete it all.  Words fail me.

My two constants, solid sleep and written expression are out of sync. 

Unusual Hibiscus

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This is one of the many beautiful flowers on display at Waimea Valley botanical gardens on Oahu.  This is a special place, with a sacred feeling about it.  The waterfall is awesome, and even better that you can get in and swim!  It's one of my favorite places on this island.

And the Answer is ..... 42!

I am the answer to  Life! the Universe! and Everything!   .  All of you Douglas Adams fans know that means I am now 42!  It feels good to be The Answer, if only I knew what the question was ....
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy


Man, oh man, was it a special birthday or what?  It all started with my brother sending me a WHOLE CASE of Twin Bing candy bars, straight from the Palmer Candy Company in Sioux City, IA.  One bite and I am 10 years old, and home......



Thursday I was kidnapped by my 3 friends and taken to the island of Kauai for 2 days of celebrating.  It was a total surprise.  All I was told was to pack an overnight bag.  It was an amazing trip!  Room with an ocean view, amazing food, shopping, late night swim, exploring, and the very best part - hours and hours at a rustic, outdoor spa with everything heavenly from a salt scrub to an hour of lomi lomi massage.  It was absolutely, pure pleasure!  I have the best friends in the universe!

The next day was my actual birthday.  It was Quincie's first Cross Country meet that morning.  It was really cool to watch her run, and so exciting when she came in in the top 20!  Way to go Q!  You are my hero!

From qaieaxcmeet9410

When we got home it was off to my next surprise.  I was told to wear a bathing suit and be prepared to get wet.  The car finally stopped at Xtreme Parasail!!  Dang was that fun!  It was so awesome to just be out in Pearl Harbor zipping around in a boat, but then to be flying along ABOVE and behind the boat - WOW!  The view was breathtaking, and absolutely wonderful!  I have the best family in the Universe!

A few hours later, Carl whipped up one of his world famous lasagna dinners.  It was delicious, and the company was great!

I couldn't have imagined a better birthday!  I feel truly loved!  I have the best family and friends in the Universe!

Lovely Song

Undone

A few days ago a lady I know from church passed away.  She died suddenly from an illness she caught while traveling out of the country with her husband.  There was time to say good bye, but not time to fly her home to competent medical assistance.  She was about my age, and has several kids in the same age range as mine. She was an awesome person, and a strength to her family, church, and community. She always pulled more than her fair share of the weight, no matter the situation.  She lived her life well.

I wonder if she had known that last week was her last on this earth,  would she have done anything differently.  Were there things she would have said, things she would have done?  Were there worries she would have let go, and cares she would have let slide?  What are the things that she left undone?  I don't know her well enough to answer for her, but if she is like me, I suspect the answer is yes..

If it had been my last week, the list of things left undone would have been long.  Too long for my liking.  This life does not go on forever.  Some of us get a few more years, but in the end, we all have to go.  Someday, my tomorrows will run out.  I have no idea when that day will come.  What if it were tomorrow?  To end this life with no regrets, I should be prepared for each day as if it were my last.

Pondering these thoughts has not made me rush around tying up loose ends, planning a funeral, completing my bucket list, or checking things off my standard, boring to-do list.  I haven't called all my family and friends to tell them I love them. (Although, I think that would be a good idea.)  I haven't booked a trip to Europe, or went on a shopping spree.  I haven't dropped to my knees praying in fear for my soul.

What I have done is slow down, way down, and look at my world with softer eyes.  My ears are open, and my mind is calm.  I want to see all there is to see, and hear all there is to hear.    I want to sit and look my loved ones in the eye and really hear what they are saying.  I don't need to cut them short, and answer their questions, solve all their problems.  I need to listen.  I know what I think.  I want to really hear what they think. I want to taste my food, each and every bite.  I want to see the sunrise, and the sunset.  I want to walk in the sun, and feel the rain on my face. I want to smell all the flowers, and pet all the puppies. I want to love without barriers and forgive without conditions. I don't want to miss a thing.

I don't want to waste another minute of my life being angry or arguing, fearful or judging.   I'm ok with doing mundane tasks like dishes, and laundry.  If that is my last act, then it would be an act of service to my family, and that makes me happy.  I'm ok with paying bills, and planning for the future, even if I'm gone, those that remain need things in order.  I'm not giving up responsibility, but I am letting go of anxiety.

I am going to keep writing, and learning tai chi. I will love now, forgive now, and live now.  Each moment is precious, and a gift from God.  Each person I come to know, each beautiful thing I get to see, it's all a gift.  No matter how long I live, life is too short to be unhappy, even for a moment.

Anger is Exhausting

Upon rising this morning I checked my email and thought I might still be dreaming.  The long awaited email from Apple had just hit my inbox.  The iphone 4 's that I reserved 10 days ago had arrived!  I felt like I had won the lottery!  I had to bring my credit card, photo id, and current iphone to the Apple store within 24 hours to claim my right to purchase these phones.  One for me, and one for my daughter for her 17th birthday, which was a week ago.

As soon as humanly possible we took off for the Kahala Mall, on the other side of the island to claim our treasure.  It is Saturday, and traffic was bad.  It took forever to get there.  I was starving and I am not my best with low blood sugar.  I thought that I would get there, get the set up process started, and go fetch food. I wanted my new iPhone 4 more than food.  Parking wasn't any better than the traffic.  It turns out there was some event at the mall today, hula, fashion show, booths, all kinds of stuff and people.  That place was a zoo.

As usual, the Apple store was crowded.  The stage with all the hullabaloo was just outside the door, so it was also loud in there.  After waiting for like a hundred years, well, maybe only 10 minutes, Mike came out to help us.  He went behind those magic silver doors and emerged with 2 perfect brick shaped white boxes.  I think I started to drool at this point.  They were so close, I could have reached out at grabbed them.  Mike struggled to find a signal, ironic how even in their own store they have to struggle for those bars, and brought up my account.  His magic iPod brought up a foul message - "User is a business customer and is blocked from making upgrades at this location.  Please contact a business care representative for assistance."  Or some such nonsense like that

  and then my head exploded .....

Seriously?  Seriously?  An AT&T business customer with multiple lines gets WORSE service than a consumer account?  Because I give them MORE they offer me LESS?   Inconceivable, and that word does mean what I think it does!  In all the racket I dialed a quick 611 on my outdated, slow as molasses, iPhone 3G.

    NOTE:  Before I updated the software on my 3G I was very happy with it's performance.  With the latest software update it is so slow I want to drop kick it while waiting for a text message to send.  It will ring at least 4 times before my blue tooth recognizes it and I nearly miss calls if I want to answer with the ear piece. I think getting 3G users to update their phone with the 4 software was a giant marketing move.  Get people to fall in love with the new features, like folders, and multitasking, then slow their phones down so they can't wait to get the new iPhone 4.  If that software worked well, I would have been content to wait for the frenzy to die down and then upgrade.  That's an A+ for the marketing staff.  I took the bait and swallowed it whole, even with the manipulation plot clear in my mind.

The poor guy at AT&T that answered my call.  Low blood sugar and high expectations shattered does not a happy Wendy make.  While the kids went to fetch some Arby's, I explained, complained, and drained every resource available.  Could I switch my plan from business to consumer?  How would that effect my rate plan?  Was it worth it?  Could I find an AT&T store on the island with any iPhone 4's in stock?  That would be an exercise in futility.  In the end there were two choices - buy the phones at $699 each or order them directly from AT&T and wait, ANOTHER 7 + business days.  By now I had enough food in me to realize that price was ridiculous, even for a gadget freak like me.  So, kicking, screaming, whining, and crying, I succumbed to the rules, and ordered the phones.  All my  expressive anger earned me free Fed Ex shipping, no small thing when you live in Hawaii, and any activation fees, and other such nonsense charges waived. I walked into that mall full of anticipation, and I walked out angry and disappointed.  

I still don't understand why AT&T punishes their best customers by giving them the least service opportunities.  It would have been nice if the Apple employee who took my reservation for the phones would have told me that I couldn't buy them from them if I was a business customer.  It still would have been ridiculous, but at least I wouldn't have waited 10 extra days, and wasted all my time and gas driving across the island today. The nice young man on the phone, who earned his meager pay and then some today, explained that the Apple stores are just not set up to handle the needs of business customers.  No JOKE!@  All I NEEDED was a couple of phones - how hard is that??? 

I'm still angry, and it's exhausting. 

Shadows of Change

Technically the season now is Summer, but in my life this is a season of change.  Continuous, perpetual change.  One day is never just like the next. Each day is a new adventure.  The mystery of life continues to unfold.

I'm ok with that.  It makes life interesting, and far more entertaining than any TV show.  Who needs external entertainment, just observe my life.

The high lights of last week were:  Two weddings (one Elvis, one Beach);1 funeral, of the Samoan variety; Quincie's 17th birthday, complete with accompanying party and dinner; and a good friend arrived from Utah for an extended visit.  And those are just the highlights, I won't bore you with the mundane details of the rest of my schedule.

When I walked in the door to the chapel for the funeral I was greeted by the widow in a beautiful all-white dress.  As I looked around I saw that all the family and many of the guests were also dressed in white.  Tears sprang to my eyes as the beautiful meaning in this came to my mind.  They were thinking about heaven, and joining their loved one there some day.  As I looked across the rows of family all sitting shoulder to shoulder, in gleaming white, it could have been a scene in the Temple.  I will never look at funerals the same way.  From now on, I'm wearing white. What a perfect way to express the meaning of life and death.

Oh, and I started learning Tai Chi.  I figured I would start with a DVD in my living room before doing anything like that in public.  It's really hard for me to move slowly.  I am always ahead of the instructor.  Suppose there is a message in that??  I kinda think there is.  The movements are very slow and soft.  I am amazed at the profound effect they have.  I am not 20 pounds lighter, and I still don't have perfect 6-pack abs, but the results are noticeable.  It makes me feel calm, relaxed and peaceful.  That is no small feat.  It's kinda like how the mango salsa is a miracle because it makes me actually enjoy eating fish.  Tai Chi could be called, the Miracle Workout, because it achieves what nothing to date has in my life - calmness. Normally if I am that calm, I am asleep.  I do think I might be getting taller because of it.  All the stretching and posture changes might have given me another inch of height.  How cool is that?

A couple weeks ago I was at the beach by myself late in the afternoon.  The shadows were doing cool things on the sand and I started taking pics.  Here is one that I thought turned out well.  I call it - Self Portrait in Shadow and Sand.  Very original and creative title, don't ya think?

It's been 17 Years

 I loved the book, We Help Mommy, and I was mesmerized by the images of the little girl.  Since the time I was very small I wished for a blond haired, blue eyed baby doll of my very own. Seventeen years ago today my sweet angel Quincie Elizabeth was born.  I love being her Mommy.

Quincie is the sweetest, kindest, most loving person I know.  It's an honor to call her daughter.

Miracle Mango Salsa

I made this last week and served it with grilled salmon.  It was awesome!  I ate the entire piece of fish on my plate, and I am not sure that has ever happened before!  If this salsa can get me eat fish, it is Miracle Salsa!

Mango Salsa

1 Ripe Mango (1 1/2 cups diced)

1/2 Small Red Onion

1 Jalapeno

1 Small Cucumber

1 Avocado (1/2 cup diced)

3 TBSP Fresh Cilantro

3 TBSP Fresh Lime Juice

Salt and Pepper to taste

Finely dice all ingredients, mix and refrigerate for at least an hour before serving for the flavors to develop.