Thursday, February 28, 2008

Shoes on the Doorstep

Shoes on the step, blanket on the floor

- Are you there, at my door?

Cup on the table, scent in the air

- I go to look, but no one's there

Fold the blanket, wash the cup

- Reach for the shoes, but can't pick them up

The house feels empty, but strangely full

- Memories of love and joy that cannot dull

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Risk Taking & the Willingness to Adapt 9/26/05

I was asked to write this as part of a collaborative project a few of years ago. I am not sure whatever became of the project, but here is my contribution.



Risk Taking and the Willingness to Adapt

I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s. I was a Girl Scout. We were supposed to throw out all the stereo types of our mother’s era and take on the man’s world. We could be anything we wanted to be. I wanted to be an astronaut. Never mind that I got car sick if I sat in the way back of the family station wagon. I knew that you had to get good grades in math and science, no problem, school was my thing. One Thanksgiving my family took a trip to the Smithsonian in Washington, DC. There I saw the Apollo capsule. I was fascinated, but the combination of claustrophobia and motion sickness, pretty much made that dream start to fade. Besides, there were so many other fascinating careers to consider.

Since then I have switched gears, revised plans, changed jobs, and dreamt new dreams many times. Life provides us with many opportunities, commonly known as problems, which require us to change. We can either adapt, and thrive, or shrink and whither. When I make the list of all the positions I have held, and things I have tried, I start to feel a bit like Hemmingway, minus the bull fighting. Maybe by the time I am 40 I will have experienced enough to write a great novel!

The role of mother is the most rewarding, and requires the most effort. When our first child was born we were both working full time. This is when the creative scheduling began. I left the security of my 8-5 office job and embarked on a new career in sales. My schedule was less rigid, and the office was close to home. My husband worked the night shift, so one of us was always with our son. That first year no one got any sleep, except the baby. I would have loved a book titled, “Dress for Success While Breastfeeding”, not that I would have had any free time to read it. It was challenging, but the bills were paid, and our family was together.

Several years ago we packed up our family and relocated to another state. Upon arrival, we learned that our new jobs weren’t going to work out, and our temporary living arrangements were very temporary. The first job that came my way required that I have an automobile sales person license. I would be doing many other things besides selling cars, but part of the job required the license. So, I got the book, learned the stuff, passed the test and took the job. I never sold a car, but I did get to drive several restored classics on the auction block. The job was only slightly less temporary than the living arrangements, but the knowledge I gained sure came in handy the next time we purchased a car!

As a kid that loved school, I never thought I would ever home school my children. When we built our home in a remote, but quickly growing small town, I did just that. The schools were so crowded – more than 40 in a classroom in elementary school. The bus ride was so long that the kids needed to stop for lunch and a potty break, not that they could, but boy did they need to! The final straw was when my 5th grader didn’t know his times tables so I scheduled a meeting with the teacher. When I asked just how far behind my child was in math, and what could be done to get back on track, she answered that he was one of the best performing students in the class and in fact his grade was a high B! That was the moment of decision. I was going to become their full-time teacher as well as Mom.

We home schooled for two years. We hit the math books hard, and got both of them back on track. It was fun, and we all learned a lot those two years. They learned many things about running a small business and how to multi-task. I relearned how to divide fractions and buy text books on e-bay. When they went back to traditional school it was with a new attitude and a greater appreciation for the learning process.

When I keep focused on my core beliefs, God and Family, everything else falls in line. It is rarely easy, and I am chronically tired. We have found that the flexibility of being self-employed works well for our family. Firmly plant yourself in your priorities, and then be willing to enthusiastically embrace whatever opportunities come your way.

Faith Under Fire 9/29/2000

I was asked to write this book reveiw for an LDS website back in 2000. A year or so after writing it we became close friends with the Wren family. They are amazingly great people. I wish I still had a copy of this book. It really is a great story.


Faith Under Fire
A True Story of Love, War, Faith and Miracles
By Michael S. Wren (ISBN 1-930980-00-0)

There have been many books written about the atonement, but this book teaches it from the inside out! I felt the Spirit from the first chapter to the last. This is a wonderful story about the life of Robert Wren. His oldest son Michael writes it. Robert and Barbara Wren reside in Orem, Utah. They are valuable employees of the Town of Eagle Mountain, Utah.

This story illustrates the sharp contrast between the darkness and ugliness of war and the light and beauty of love. Robert is a Green Beret and member of Delta Force during the Vietnam War. He has left behind his beautiful wife, Barbara, and their three young sons. During his time as a highly trained soldier he has many horrible experiences that leave him lonely, depressed, and hopeless.

We can learn many lessons from this book. One is a greater sense of patriotism, and love of freedom. A monument to the Special Forces says, “ War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things; The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight; nothing he cares about more than his own personal safety; is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free unless he is made free, and kept free, by the valiant exertions of men better than himself, for freedom is not free.”

Robert sacrificed much to serve the cause of freedom. He gave up precious time with his wife and young sons. His physical safety and health were compromised many times. By the end of his second tour of duty his mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being were at rock bottom. He still bears many scars from the horrors of war.

How many people have had similar thoughts as these at some time in their life? “I wanted happiness, I wanted peace, and I wanted hope. …I was always afraid to ask the question about forgiveness. … I felt that I was beyond hope of forgiveness and dared not ask to find out for sure.” I am thankful that Robert shared the deeply personal answers he received. Through the faith of his son, Michael, he is shown a way to find hope. Michael shared with him several verses in Alma 32. These verses describe how a person could develop faith from only a desire to have faith. Robert pondered these words and a miracle began to happen in his life.
I would recommend this book to everyone. I couldn’t put it down. It is a testimony builder of the most effective kind. This book shares a powerful message of hope, and assures us of the power of God’s infinite love for each of us, His children. With God, anything is possible

Friday, February 22, 2008

I no longer like Coke

I haven't had any caffeine since the week before Christmas. I have never been a major addict, but I have always had an affinity for good old Coca Cola Classic. It has long been my drink of choice with Mexican food, movie popcorn and pizza.

Yesterday I bought some caffeine free Coke Classic as a treat for myself. I waited until lunch time today to have my first can. I drank about 1/3 and then realized it had gotten warm from sitting on the table. I poured it into a glass of ice. About 2 hours later I realized I hadn't taken more than a sip and dumped it down the sink.

I don't like it anymore....

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Change

I started writing something this morning, trying to express how I feel about saying goodbye to some of our family that is moving back to the mainland. While writing I think I discovered a pivotal point of impact that has set the tone for much of my life. I have decided not to publish that post. It rambles more than I usually do, and doesn't make much sense. But, it was a good journey to take.

When I was a child I loved adventure and remember in 2nd grade asking my Mom if we could move somewhere so that I could be the "new girl". I was dying for something new before I was old enough to know what I was asking. I soon got my wish and have been the "new girl" on a regular basis ever sense.

Somewhere along the line the accumulated pain and loss of saying goodbye to so many loved ones has taken it's toll. I think this week I hit my saturation point, my life time limit, and reached maximum capacity.

Until today I did not understand something fundamental about myself. I certainly did not know the source. Now I do.

I started college at 17. I lived at home and went to UTEP because they were kind enough to give me a full scholarship. So, the story I told myself and the world was that I had made the intelligent, practical, fiscally responsible choice to remain in my own room in my parents home.

Less than a year later my parents decided to move to California. My step-dad was offered a great position, and hey, El Paso is a dirt hole without a beach or a palm tree in site.

When they left I moved into an apartment with a friend. I had a car (1974 Gremlin), a job (movie theater), and was a more than full-time student. I had friends. It would have been foolish to go with them to California. It didn't make any practical sense. I never even considered it as an option.

That event in my life changed me. I was never so alone and have never been so proud. I never admitted my pain, or loneliness, or how abandoned I felt. I never even admitted it to myself until today.

I now understand why I feel such conflicted emotions about change. I crave the next big adventure, but at the same time don't want to miss a moment out of life with those I love.

These feelings are especially strong in regards to children. If you don't see them for a day, who they are that moment is gone. Each day they are different. Each moment with a child is precious and not to be wasted. You can not make up for lost time. Done is done, and gone is gone.

When my family moved my youngest brother was 5. He was born the summer between my 7th and 8th grade years. He was my baby. I can still hear the sound of his footed pajamas shuffling down the hall to my room in the middle of the night. After the move, we never regained that closeness. I regret that.

I have had to experience similar emotions on multiple occasions. I am facing them again this week. I still don't like it very much, but at least I understand. With understanding has come clarity and some peace. I am grateful for that.

Clarity

Thinking in a puddle of mud
swimming through cobwebs with concrete shoes
running full steam ahead, in a circle

Running, fighting, gasping for breath
grasping at straws, trying to make sense

Out of the darkness, the blackest of black
a spark, a glimmer, a beam

The circle suddenly straightens into a path
out of the chaos clarity arrises

Friday, February 15, 2008

Catching Up

I recently realized that even though I haven't had a "blog", I have been using Google Docs as a blog. I write something and then share that doc with my friends that also use Google Docs. I decided to start this blog by including some of those shared docs that are fit for public consumption. I have put the date that I originally wrote them next to their title.

From now on I will just write within this blog.

Thoughts on Perfection 10/27/07

I'd like to draw a picuture to show how the whole puzzle fits. I really wish I were an artist so you could see what I am talking about. Sometimes words are just the right way to express an idea. Other times words seem to fail. Like now - Maybe there are words, but I don't know them. Did you ever want to go back and do your 4th grade English homework again? and this time pay attention? Unfortunatley I spent most of my life trying to get through whatever was before me quickly and with excellence. I wanted to be first and the best, at everything. In that need to conquer I failed to get much of anything out of those experiences, unless you count the grade, or the gold star. But now, decades later, who gives a crap about the report card or the gold stars? Or that Mrs. Limmerick thought I was great? She probably doesn't even remember me now. The approval of strangers. Meaningless.

What I long for is the approval of someone that really knows me. Not the me that I let most people know, but the real me. The good, the bad, the ordinary me. For the approval of strangers we forsake our true identities. Give up those weird things that make us unique. The need to fit in, the need to be like everyone else. Who wants to show up to the pool party in a suit? or how about the business meeting in a bikini? Underneath it all we are all naked - just flesh, full of imperfections. Some are more imperfect than others. Actually I think there is some sort of balance that keeps the universe fair. If you are too pretty, you are kinda stupid, or if you are an amazing artist, you are a complete nut. Something like that. Makes us all feel better if we can think that the perfect images are just as goofed up as we are.

In our society being a "perfectionist" is a diagnosis, a clinic term for the type "A" personality, the reds, the drivers. But in our religion we are all commanded to be perfect. So, right off the mark we are at odds with the world. Either you are a "perfectionist" and you feel at home in the LDS world because finally, finally, it is not just OK to want to do everything perfect, but that is the expected standard, or you are not. Ah, the peace of belonging..... How easy to be at odds with the world as long as you have a home where you belong. A little corner where your brand of crazy is normal.

But what about the normal people that find themselves, trying to "be ye therefore perfect"? They have never been perfect or even wanted to be perfect. They have a healthy respect for their limitations and the limitations of others. So, how do you become a perfectionist? And why would you want to?

So how far does the perfect nonesence go? How far is too far? If you are in the primary, does the behavior of every child reflect on your perfectness as a teacher? Do you go the extra mile and make things so much harder? Does the effort to present a "perfect" program cost the feelings of a child?

How about this - To be really perfect is not to have a perfect appearance, or to have a perfect performance. To be perfect goes much deeper than that. Perfection is serene, not frantic. Perfection is not early, or late - but right on time. Perfection is peaceful. Perfection is not saving the image inspite of the inside. People are what is important - no matter how you arrive there, no matter what crazy road you travel, hopefully in the end you wind up with the focus of your life being the ones you love.

I am not perfect. I want to be. It is a lofty goal. I have many areas to work on. I think of Benjamin Franklins 12 points. I am not perfect at any of them. I am a very rusty axe.

Personal declarations towards perfection:
1. I will cease to be critical of others. Even when they deserve it. Even when they make me angry. Even when it is funny. I will cease!
2. I will be thankful. I will express my thanks to others. I will send notes, verbally express my gratitude - take a risk!

I think that is enough for now.

Free and Independent Thought 12/31/07

feel the pushing and the pulling the turning and the twisting the changing tide

tossed from the sea on the crest of wave, heavenward

flying, start to fall, just believe and soar even higher

find my place in the sky, amongst the sun and the beauty

loved - enfolded by warmth

loved - floating in a bubble, wrapped in peace

home, where I belong, where I always want to be

Limbo Week 12/28/08

Limbo Week

The week between Christmas and New Years is a free pass. My 5 year old neice taught me this great truth. I wish I had figured this out long ago. I would have had a lot more fun. On Christmas evening she was reminded to "watch out". Here reply was "Why? Santa has already come." She is right you know. As soon as Santa arrives, you are free to misbehave with no danger of ending up on the naughtly list, until the strike of 12 on New Year's Eve. You see, Santa's nice and naughty lists are for the year, and the week between Christmas and the new year is still apart of the old year. It appears as if Santa's record keeping of our deeds takes a week break. What do we do with our limbo week, our 7-day, free pass for the year?

Most of us do as little as possible. Sleep in, sit, look at the mess & the Christmas decorations, watch tv, eat all the left overs - no need to cook for at least a week. Some of us go on vacation, skiing, or somewhere tropical. Why don't we make the most of our limited time? Have a whole week of Carnival-like sin and excitment?? Or how about just trying some new things, before we have to give them a name, like "new year's resolution", test out our new selves before we have to make any sort of commitment to feel guilty about when we break?

Here are a few ideas:

Give up a bad habit. Just try for the week. Don't tell anyone. Most of us are off work or school, so it is a good time to be cranky. Try to give up caffeine or sugar or something. In virtual seculusion you can be as mean and as surly as you want and it won't effect your job or your grades. Your family might wonder what is going on and banish you to the attic. Which is the perfect place to try out yoga with no one watching.

Try a new hobby, like yoga. No one will notice if you stink at Ballet if it is over by January 1. If you discover you have some hidden talent for oil painting, you can start the new year with a week already under your belt.

Dye your hair. I don't mean something subtle to hide the gray (yes, you have gray hairs). I am talking radical. Go bleach blond, or flaming red. I actually did this once on New Year's Eve. It was over so fast there isn't even a photo to record that I once had strawberry blond hair. It was chocolate brown again by January 1st.

Enjoy some guilty pleasures. Go ahead, indulge - eat that chocolate cake. It won't last another week, and by Jan 2nd you will be on to your new diet. Plus the next time someone bakes you a cake that good will be your birthday, months away.

Go to the movies during the day. No one is really working this week anyway. Those of you at your desk are just surfing the net spending your holiday gift cards, or looking at youtube for something to entertain you. Take a nap. Read a book. Play.

After all, this is the wisdom of a 5 year old. Play is what they do best. The kids are home from school and there are all those new toys to checkout. Go ahead - live a little - its Limbo Week.

Monday, February 11, 2008

What the heck

What the heck - why not blog?? I do everything else Google throws out, so why not this too?

I am not happy with the template choices.

It is hard to believe it is already February. Time is going so fast.