Change

I started writing something this morning, trying to express how I feel about saying goodbye to some of our family that is moving back to the mainland. While writing I think I discovered a pivotal point of impact that has set the tone for much of my life. I have decided not to publish that post. It rambles more than I usually do, and doesn't make much sense. But, it was a good journey to take.

When I was a child I loved adventure and remember in 2nd grade asking my Mom if we could move somewhere so that I could be the "new girl". I was dying for something new before I was old enough to know what I was asking. I soon got my wish and have been the "new girl" on a regular basis ever sense.

Somewhere along the line the accumulated pain and loss of saying goodbye to so many loved ones has taken it's toll. I think this week I hit my saturation point, my life time limit, and reached maximum capacity.

Until today I did not understand something fundamental about myself. I certainly did not know the source. Now I do.

I started college at 17. I lived at home and went to UTEP because they were kind enough to give me a full scholarship. So, the story I told myself and the world was that I had made the intelligent, practical, fiscally responsible choice to remain in my own room in my parents home.

Less than a year later my parents decided to move to California. My step-dad was offered a great position, and hey, El Paso is a dirt hole without a beach or a palm tree in site.

When they left I moved into an apartment with a friend. I had a car (1974 Gremlin), a job (movie theater), and was a more than full-time student. I had friends. It would have been foolish to go with them to California. It didn't make any practical sense. I never even considered it as an option.

That event in my life changed me. I was never so alone and have never been so proud. I never admitted my pain, or loneliness, or how abandoned I felt. I never even admitted it to myself until today.

I now understand why I feel such conflicted emotions about change. I crave the next big adventure, but at the same time don't want to miss a moment out of life with those I love.

These feelings are especially strong in regards to children. If you don't see them for a day, who they are that moment is gone. Each day they are different. Each moment with a child is precious and not to be wasted. You can not make up for lost time. Done is done, and gone is gone.

When my family moved my youngest brother was 5. He was born the summer between my 7th and 8th grade years. He was my baby. I can still hear the sound of his footed pajamas shuffling down the hall to my room in the middle of the night. After the move, we never regained that closeness. I regret that.

I have had to experience similar emotions on multiple occasions. I am facing them again this week. I still don't like it very much, but at least I understand. With understanding has come clarity and some peace. I am grateful for that.