For years I have been curious about yoga, and admittedly, a little afraid of it. From the casual observer's point of view it looks so serious, strenuous, and a little bit sadistic. I tried a yoga video once in a group setting. I just laid there and giggled. I just couldn't take the on screen instructor, a tiny little guy with a super long, thin, braid of hair down the middle of his back, seriously. The poses seemed silly, and embarrassing. I had a nice time that night - giggling is fun, but it didn't do much to boost my desire to become a yoga devotee.
Over the last few years I have enthusiastically studied the concept of energy medicine. I have read dozens of books, and taken days of classroom instruction. Every modality, every author, every method, without fail, has an element of mediation. They require a quieting of the mind, usually by controlling or focusing on the breath.
For reasons too complex, and personal, that has been extremely hard for me. Especially the breathing part. When I would try to focus, and pay attention to my breath I would nearly pass out from either holding my breath or hyperventilating. What a freak! I can't breath right?? For a while I was trying to run, or jog, or whatever, on a regular basis. My legs could go and go, but it was the breathing that messed me up. I would go for about half a block and then realize I was holding my breath and then frantically, like a drowning man, gasp for air. I read books, articles, and talked with avid runners. I tried all the different suggestions, with limited success. Eventually I just gave up on the running thing. I listen to audio books while I walk my dogs. I don't think about my breathing, and it works out ok.
When I would come to the meditation exercises in the books I read, I might try it, or I might just skip that chapter. Usually I would read it, but not actually do it. If it wasn't the breathing, or lack there of, that frustrated me it was the constant noise in my brain. As soon as I think the words, "quiet your mind", my mind starts racing with all the crazy thoughts imaginable. At moments like that I think I understand what it feels like to be a 5th grader with ADHD trying to take a math test. So, again, I would read through the chapter, try and fail at the exercises, and move on. Give me something to DO towards reaching a goal, or learning a skill please! How about something to memorize? I can handle that. But just sit there, consciously breathing, in and out, through my nose in a steady pattern thinking, "My Mind Is Quiet"? Nope - not gonna work. At least not for longer than about 15 seconds at a shot.
So, a few weeks ago Quincie and I decided to join the YMCA. It is close to our house, and extremely affordable. She wanted to get ready for track season, and I wanted to find a way to move my body in more interesting ways than just walking the dogs. They have a great weight room with all the machines, an excellent outdoor pool, and group exercise classes - all included in the low, monthly fee. So, we took a tour one Saturday, and signed up.
My first week I took a Tai Chi class. I have a Tai Chi video that I have done and really liked it, but doing the same routine got boring for me, and I felt silly doing all those "magic karate" moves by myself in the middle of my living room. Ok, so I go to this Tai Chi class on a Thursday morning at the Y. I am given a name tag to wear, and introduce myself to the instructor. As I am standing there, rotating my ankles, I begin to feel the strangest sensation. I feel so TALL, so long and lean, and YOUNG! At 5 foot 4 inches, I am decidedly average in height, and 42 is only young if you are a sea turtle or a giant redwood. So, what was the deal? I was surrounded on all sides, by tiny, elderly, Asian women, most of them with hunched backs, and bowed knees. Turns out that the full title of the class was Tai Chi for Arthritis - co sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation. In that group I was TALL, and lean, and Young! Besides that odd little ego boast, I really enjoyed the class. The most amazing thing happened only a few minutes in - my mind was quiet! I was actually focusing on my breathing, and I was still breathing, and my mind went quiet. It was amazing and wonderful. I have never felt peace on such a deep, and whole body level before.
I thought if Tai Chi, even Tai Chi for Arthritis, can be that good, maybe yoga deserves a chance. I absolutely LOVE yoga!! I haven't sweat so much, or pushed my body like that in decades. It makes me feel like I did when I was taking several dance classes a day back in high school. It's hard, but I can do it. Well, most of it anyway. Some of my muscles are super flexible, and others are not so much. Just like in tai chi, my mind actually goes quiet in yoga. I can find my breath, and just be there, in the moment. Moving my body in challenging ways helps my mind to calm down. It's quite interesting to me. I am sure I should have learned this a long time ago from all the books I've read, and classes I have taken, but I didn't. Who would have thought that learning to breath, and quiet my mind would be one of the most challenging lessons of my life?
The yoga instructor is great. She never does the same routine, each class is unique. It is not boring, and it is not embarrassing. Today she had us doing a lot of moves to open up our heart. I was a few minutes late, so I missed that explanation. All I know is that I was having a hard time with would should be very simple moves. It was like my neck couldn't hold up the weight of my enormous head. I felt like my neck was going to snap and my bowling ball head would just roll down my back and across the floor. Towards the end of class I took a minute to stop and focus and say to myself, "Whatever this is that I can't hold up on my own, please, just take it. Take all my anger, all my fear, all my negative thoughts of any kind. Take them and leave my mind and my heart quiet." In that moment I felt a huge weight lifted, and tears sprang to me eyes. Tears of joy and gratitude. My mind was quiet and my heart was full of joy and gratitude as class ended.
