Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Emotions of Change

The end of one year and the start of a new is often a time of reflection and goal setting. Typically goals are set in January with high hopes and enthusiasm. By the time December rolls around we are discouraged by our lack of progress. Setting New Year's Resolutions is common, but accomplishing them is not. Why is that?

Every successful person will tell you that they consistently set goals for themselves. Most have a format that they follow that includes writing them down, and tracking progress, frequently evaluating and making changes in the plan as necessary. Yet even these successful people often struggle with one or more goals that they just can't seem to conquer. For example, a successful business man that is continually on a diet to loose weight, and yo-yo's back and forth year after year. His business goals are met each quarter without fail, yet this personal challenge continues to plague him. What is the difference? Why is money easy and weight hard for the same person? Why is one change a challenge and the other a stumbling block?

Emotions. Our personal emotions are the determining factor. How we FEEL about the changes we have set out for ourselves makes all the difference between success and failure. The business man feels confident setting and achieving sales and profitability goals. He is sure of his abilities and acts accordingly. Set backs are not personal, they are a challenge. He expects success and achieves it. When it comes to his weight, he feels very different. He is emotional about his body image. He over eats to fill an emotional need. When he diets that need goes unmet, and he eventually gives up and eats, to meet that deeply emotional need. He is probably only vaguely aware of that emotional hole that he tries to fill with food. It is not a conscious thought. When he looks in the mirror or steps on a scale, he feels badly about himself. He thinks of all the failed diets, and the voice in his head calls him a failure. He wants to be fit and healthy, but right now he sees himself as fat, ugly, unhealthy and a loser. He sees himself as he is, rather than as he could be. Until he resolves the underlying emotional need, he will always struggle with his weight.

In another person the situation may be reversed. They have a healthy body and healthy lifestyle. Fitness goals are easily achieved. Their body has always responded well to exercise and they enjoy a balanced diet. Any injuries and illnesses are easily overcome. On the other hand, money has always been a struggle. She has held many jobs, but nothing seems to work out for very long. It always feels like the world is conspiring against her. When money gets tight, she panics, pulls in the reigns and tries to control spending. When things seems to be going well, she is plagued with the nagging fear that it won't last. The panic and fear create a feeling of scarcity, even when none exists. Scarcity always reoccurs and the bouts of prosperity are short lived. Just like the man with a weight problem, she is stuck in this cycle by her own negative emotions. Her view of herself is limiting her ability to change.

When we decide to make a change how we feel about it is the most important factor. If we get that wrong, no goal achieving strategy will work. If we get it right, then just about any strategy we choose will bring success. It's not the method, so much as it is the motivation, that determines success.

Of the millions of smokers, most of them have tried to quit at least once, without success. There are countless methods, programs, and products available to help someone quit smoking. There is a physical addiction to contend with, but the emotional reasons people smoke are normally ignored. Reformed smokers will tell you that they tried to quit many times, and were only successful when finally some switch was flipped inside of them. When they were finally quitting for their own "right reason" they did it. The difference was internal and emotional, not the method or the program. The rest are tools that help, but the determining factor came from within.

Choosing something different for yourself is a common, everyday experience. We change what we wear, how we do our hair, the music we listen to, and the types of food we eat frequently and without any emotion attached. Sometimes these small changes are hard for us, but mostly, we just wake up one day and decide that we want to be a red head who eats Thai food, and do it. We hear of a new toothpaste, so we switch, no heartache required. If the new brand of toothpaste tastes bad, we throw it away, and try another. These no emotion changes are easy and we make them often.

Accomplishing bigger, or more meaningful, change requires more of us, but can be just as free of emotional baggage. Because you make the choice to do something different today, does not mean that what you did yesterday was bad or wrong. It only means it was different. Just like switching toothpaste brands, switching jobs, or careers, or homes, is totally your choice. You can choose to live here today and live somewhere else tomorrow. It does not mean that where you were was bad. It only means that you want to live somewhere new tomorrow. Having a feeling of gratitude for what you have, and who you are, will enable you to make choices that lead to more successful changes. Desiring change because you loath yourself or your present circumstance will not lead to success. You will be like the overweight businessman who only sticks to his diet for a short while, before giving in to those emotional needs.

Desiring to loose weight and improve health might be achieved if he began with an honest appreciation for his current self. He might say to himself things like, "I have a strong and capable body." "My body has served me well for my entire life so far." "My sound and capable mind is part of my body and is capable of governing it well." "My body has overcome many illnesses and injuries in my lifetime and is excellent at healing itself." "My body was created in the image of God." "My body is dynamic and capable of great things." "My body needs food and exercise and I provide them in the right proportions." "This extra weight has served to fill my emotional needs. My needs are met by other means now and I no longer need it. I give my body permission to burn it off." "I am safe without all of the extra weight." Starting the process with positive feelings about himself, with an attitude of thankfulness for his body, is a step towards achieving his goals. Having his emotions in line with his intentions, and physical actions will lead to greater success.

After spending 20 years as a doctor, a person retires to write books. They are not a failure. They are a successful person that decided to do something different. They did not fail as a doctor because they now want to write. The same is true for all of us. If after spending most of your life as a (insert profession, habit, hobby, or any other label) you decide you would like to become (insert a profession, habit, hobby or any other label), send your old self off with gratitude and love, and face the new with hope and patience.

Often times, we are hard on ourselves for our seeming failures. We expect a lot, and beat ourselves up when we don't perform. This is counterproductive. We should be kind and gentle with ourselves, especially when we are making major life changes. We did not get to where we are in a day, and it will likely take more than a day to get somewhere new. Patience with self is important. When set backs occur, they are not a reason to give up in defeat. Forgive yourself, and try again. We learn by making mistakes. Watch a baby learn to walk. They fall down all the time. They make more wrong steps than right ones. Each wrong step, each fall, sends information to the babies brain about how to do it different next time. Eventually they get it right. The same is true with anything you want to accomplish. Make the best plans you know how, but when things go wrong, learn, adjust, and take another step.

Upon learning of a new, or better way of living, don't spend any energy wishing you would have made this change sooner. You are making it as soon as you are able. You were not prepared until just this moment, to make that change. The thing you want may not have existed, or even been possible, until now. Don't waste energy regretting the past, be thankful for it, and spend your energy moving forward. All the experiences of our past prepare us to be the person we are today. Be grateful for the job that you have out grown as you start looking for your next position. Leave it behind with gratitude for all the learning and growth you experienced while there. Someone else is waiting for just that job to open up to fill a desire in their life. Send it on to them with blessings. The same with a new home, or car. Let the past go with gratitude for how well it served you and step graciously into your future.

Monday, December 28, 2009

It's Limbo Week Again

Limbo Week

After delivering presents to children around the globe, Santa takes a much deserved break. He parks the magic sleigh in the garage, kisses Mrs. Claus good night, and takes a nap for the next week. It is the only 7 days of the year that he is not watching, and making those naughty and nice lists. This phenomena was first brought to my attention by my then five year old niece. On Christmas evening, after all the presents were opened, and the food devoured, she was up to
some minor childhood antics. One of the adults scolded her, and reminded her to, "watch out", she wouldn't want to be on the naughty list. Her reply was, "Why? Santa has already come." She was absolutely right. Santa had already brought her so many presents, she had clearly made it on the nice list for the year that was about to end. Santa's lists are for each calendar year. Santa's record keeping takes a break for that week between Christmas and New Years while he catches up on his rest, and starts fresh on January 1st. What do you do with your Limbo Week, the one and only 7-day free pass for the year?

Most of us follow Santa's lead and do as little as possible. We sleep in, watch TV, put away the Christmas decorations, or at least think about it. Some of us go on vacation, maybe skiing, or somewhere tropical. Why don't we all make the most of our limited time and have a whole week of Carnival-like sin and excitement?? Why not just try some new things, before we have to give them a name, like "New Year's resolution"? Take a test drive before we make any sort of official
commitment to feel guilty about when we break?



Here are a few ideas:

Give up a bad habit. Just try for the week. Don't tell anyone. Most of us are off work or school, so it is a good time to be cranky. They kids will be so in to their new toys they might not even notice. Try to give up caffeine or sugar or something. In virtual seclusion you can be as mean and as surly as you want and it won't effect your job or your grades. Your family might wonder what is going on and banish you to the attic, which is the perfect place to try out yoga with no one watching.

Try a new hobby, like yoga. No one will notice if you stink at it if it is over by January 1. If you discover you have some hidden talent for oil painting, or ballet, you can start the new year with a week already under your belt.

Color your hair. I don't mean something subtle to hide the gray (yes, you have gray hairs). I am talking radical. Go bleach blond, or flaming red. I actually did this once on New Year's Eve. It was
over so fast there isn't even a photo to record that I once had strawberry blond hair. It was chocolate brown again by January 1st. If the new do suits you, you can start of the new year looking great!

Enjoy some guilty pleasures. Go ahead, indulge - eat that chocolate cake. It won't last another week, and by Jan 2nd you will be on to your new diet. Plus the next time someone bakes you a cake that good will be your birthday, months away. Finish the carton of egg nog. The store won't even sell it for another 11 months.

Go to the movies during the day. No one is really working this week anyway. Those of you at your desk are just surfing the net spending your holiday gift cards, or looking at youtube for something to entertain you.Take a long lunch, at the theater. Nothing beats movie popcorn for lunch.

Take a nap. When is the last time you took a nap? Kindergarten? Nothing feels quite as indulgent as a mid-day nap. Go ahead, grab your favorite blankie and snooze while the sun shines.

Read a book. If you can't take a real vacation, take a mental one. Pick up one of the new best sellers,an old favorite, or even a trashy magazine. It doesn't really matter what you select, as long as it takes you away. Warning, reading may leading to napping, so be prepared.

Play, after all, this is the wisdom of a 5 year old and play is what they do best. The kids are home from school and there are all those new toys to checkout. Make the most of that white Christmas - build a snowman and make snow angels. Go to the beach and make a sand castle.

Go ahead - live a little - its Limbo Week.

NOTE: I wrote this a couple of years ago. I thought I would post it again. Maybe if you tried yoga last year, you are up for a new hair color this year :-). My own Limbo Week experiment was giving up caffeine. I did that in December 2007. I haven't had any since! Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Do Zebra and Camo Match? (or the Worst Headache on Record)

Today I ended up at the mall, yes the mall on the day after Christmas, in camo shorts and zebra print sandals. My shirt was a mild navy blue, but it was dirty. I think it was either toothpaste or oatmeal, not really sure which. Of course, being so dressed, I ran into friends. They must be good friends because they actually walked next to me, rather than pretending not to know the weirdo with messy hair in the camo shorts. I am pretty sure I was last at the mall about 6 months ago. I was at the movies. I'm not a mall rat by nature.

One of my son's Christmas gifts was 2 pair of pants - yet to be purchased. I used to buy him clothes and no matter what I bought, he wore. No complaints, no comments, he was just glad not to be naked. He is 18 now and that method no longer works. For one thing, I have no idea what size he wears. For another, he now has a sense of fashion, and I have no idea what is cool. Obviously I have slipped in my own fashion sense (ie. today's outfit). The quest for those 2 pair of jeans is why we were at the mall.

How I came to be there so poorly dressed is another story. Yesterday I had the worst headache of the decade. Nothing like going out with a bang. Big BANG BANG BANG in my skull. I don't really know what brought it on, maybe all the sugar I ate, maybe the stress, I don't know, but it was hell. Not really any other way to say it. Today my head feels bruised and my thinking is fuzzy. My motor skills are a little impaired as well. I took no drugs, so at least I'm not hung over from the side effects. Just wiped out from the pain.

I got up this morning feeling a bit battered, like I had played football without a helmet and had a mild concussion, or something. I showered and got dressed, with no intention of leaving the house. After a little work and a large Jamba Juice, I was bored and ready to do something. Ryker and I decided to go return the couple of gifts that needed returned. I grabbed my closest comfy slippers (flip flops) and without so much as a glance in the mirror we were off.

After a successful return and purchase mission to Best Buy, which was the most crowded store of the day, we were driving home. As we passed the turn to the mall I commented, "I have no interest of going in there today", quickly followed by, "unless you want to go look for some pants". Of course, we went and bought the pants.

I'm not sure what the lesson or deep thought is of this story. I have a great kid who isn't embarrassed by me? You can wear crazy stuff now and no one cares? I really should hang a mirror by the door? Headaches can impair your fashion sense? When you start the day with no intention of leaving the house, you should stick to it? Good friends love you know matter what you look like? or maybe, Zebra and Camo actually do match.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Evaluation & Review

Who gives you your yearly review and accompanying raise, if said evaluation goes well? The boss of course! Being my own boss, I am then in the position to review and evaluate my own performance. There have been years that the boss was rather harsh, and the whole process did not go so well. Lucky for me, I am a reformed perfectionist. Rather than my previous "type A" personality, I am now more like a B+, sometimes even a good solid C.

Let's take a look at where I was a year ago, and see how things have changed.

1. I was driving a mechanically challenged car. I wrote about in "Small Miracles". I did a good job keeping a positive attitude through all the troubles, but that hunk of junk was really getting to me. In October Carl turned my daily battle into a daily pleasure by purchasing me a 2004 PT Cruiser. It is a bright shiny blue (my favorite color), and runs just like it should. It is so nice to drive a reliable vehicle. Still no car payment, so no downside, definitely a step in the right direction.

2. As predicted, and vehemently protested, last year's Christmas Present sits unused. Didn't we look happy? How could Carl have been so right, and the rest of us so wrong? Boy, the grass looks good in those pics. That's one thing that did not improve in the last 12 months, the yard. Anyone interested in a used (well, not so much used) trampoline? It was so much fun, I don't really understand why we have ignored it for so long. Maybe we are all just growing up, even me.

3. It's now been TWO years!!! Two years without caffeine! I never saw it lasting this long when I started back in December of 2007. I think I deserve an A+ for this one. Last year at this time I was still struggling with the occasional headache in the migraine realm of intensity. I am happy to report than I have been headache free for most of 2009. In fact, I can't remember the last one. How's that for an improvement? In addition to sticking with my no caffeine commitment, I have started exercising daily, and eating better in general. I think that these two steps have helped finish off my tendency towards headaches.

4. Christmas in Paradise, again ... Twelve months later, same problem. Living in Hawaii is a lot like living in that movie Ground Hog Day, except that they had a nice white Christmas sort of back drop to the whole thing, and we have 80 degrees and sunshine. Don't get me wrong, it is truly AWESOME not having to ever, ever, ever scrap a windshield, or worry about your hair freezing if you don't want to spend an hour with the blow dryer in the morning. BUT .... it is hard to feel all Chrstimasy when your 5 senses tell you it should be the 4th of July. Is it wrong to serve BBQ and corn on the cob for Christmas dinner? I've made no improvement here, and might actually have back slid a bit this year. I'm not feelin' the Christmas Spirit at all and I've got less than 24 hours to get it or forget it.

5. Last December I had a rotten cold and was struggling with my Mental Filing. I am happy to report that I think that was the last time I was really sick with a bad cold or flu. I have had a very healthy 2009. I attribute the good health to the improved diet, daily exercise, and lack of caffeine. I also think that stress reduction has contributed in a big way. I have not found some magical way to live a stress free life, I have just gotten better at managing it. Letting go of my perfectionist ideals was a good place to start.

6. I have given up on the to do list ap on my iphone and gone back to my notebook. There is something about the physical act of pen to paper that really resonates for me. The tactile touch of the pen and paper, the permanent placement of the words on the page, the act of making that check mark when something is complete - it all really works well for my brain. Honestly, I love my notebooks, and I am excited to start 2010 with a really pretty new one I bought just for that occasion.

We have now been married 21 years, I still miss my family, my kids have grown up even more and I am still still just as unprepared for a tropic storm as I was a year ago. I'm still not excited about eating lamb, and I never did write that story about the missing shoes.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Gifts

A few posts ago I wrote about accepting presents from an enemy, and how that is not really such a good idea. Those presents are offered with BIG strings attached. They are not gifts, as they are not freely given. They are a trade. When we accept them we trade our future and even our freedom for immediate gratification of our desires.

A true gift is given without strings, without requirements, asking nothing in return. You don't have to do anything to qualify for a gift. Gifts are given and they are received. They can be rejected, returned or even re-gifted.

A mother's love is one of the first and most precious gifts we receive in this life. From even before the moment of birth our mother's love us. They love us completely when we are unable to give anything in return. We benefit greatly from this love throughout our life, but in the beginning, it is essential for our survival. Because of her love we have our very existence. It is many sleepless nights and years of selfless giving before a child is able to begin returning that love. As we grow, that love provides us with so many other necessary things in life, and even as an adult, a mother's love can make all the difference. A mother's love is truly a gift.

The ability to learn is a glorious gift. From the moment of birth our minds begin to learn. This process of exploring and learning need never stop. Our minds are capable of expanding and changing on a continual basis. A formal education may come at some expense, but learning is free. The world around us offers continual lessons, if we take the time to notice.

The gifts of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch are magnificent and together they fill our lives with rich experiences. Most people born on this earth have had the use of their 5 senses. Each morning when I walk I start out in the dark. The air is a little cool with the faintest hint of the sea mist in the breeze. The feel of it on my skin is invigorating. Watching as the night sky of moon and stars gives way to the sunrise never fails to impress me. The ocean sounds alive and the sight of it's vastness is humbling. Comfort to the soul arrives in the sweet scent of the plumeria trees.

Just remembering the taste of home made Christmas divinity candy transforms me into my 10 year old self and transports me to my Grandmother's kitchen. It has been decades since I have had that candy in my mouth, but my mind can recall it to perfection. Taste is a powerful gift. Imagine the joy that would be lost if our food had no flavor. Where would be the celebration in a Thanksgiving feast, or the excitement of a birthday cake without the gift of taste?

Our memories are a wonderful gift. All of the joys in life can be experienced over and over again in our memory. The lessons learned need not be forgotten. We can replay the voice of a loved one who is gone, or the giggle of a baby who is all grown up. Loved ones can live on in our memories, long after they are gone. Treasured memories make the past ever present and those joys continually experienced.

All of these gifts come from God, our Creator, our Heavenly Father. Life is wonderful and rich because of these, and many other gifts from Him. The greatest gift is that of His Son. The world celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ for a reason. Many people in the world today may not have a deep understanding of why Christmas is so important, yet they do celebrate. Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world. The ancient people understood the significance of His arrival and the traditions of celebrating this magnificent event have endured to this day. We give gifts because He gave us the greatest gift - Eternal Life.

The gift of Eternal Life is freely give to all. We will receive this gift even if we are unaware of it in this life. No qualification is necessary, it is a true Gift. Life is a gift and the lessons and experiences we have here prepare us to live eternally. We do not end, we are eternal. Our minds, our hearts, our bodies and our relationships are eternal. Because of the sacrifice of our Savior, we are able to experience this life complete with all the mistakes required for true learning, yet return and live with Him.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

All I want for Christmas ....

A couple of weeks ago Shuggie, our little female dog, went into heat. As a dog owner, this is probably the top of the list of annoying and unpleasant things you have to deal with. The whole dog menstrual cycle thing is just gross - eww, ick, yuck, nasty and disgusting. A dog's sense of personal hygiene does not meet my standards.

To compound the problem, our other 2 dogs are male. Charlie came to us neutered, and Chester did not. Somewhere around the 2nd week into dog hormone hell, the boys started to go really nuts. Chester was especially afflicted. He was really suffering. All I wanted for Christmas was 2 fixed dogs!

So, last week I took them both to the vet and scheduled them to be surgically neutered asap. Surgery was yesterday. No one is acting crazy anymore. The suffering is of a different sort today. They both did really well, and neither act like they are traumatized. Today it is obvious that they are both a bit sore. I was needlessly worried about the reaction of missing their morning walk. Neither one wants to walk any further than is absolutely necessary.

So, for now I am nurse to a couple of recovering dogs. I have to keep them from licking and scratching their incisions, and in general keep them calm. If she doesn't stop messing with it, I will have to go get her a cone. As long as Charlie stays outside, things are pretty calm. Only a week to go, then things should be better than normal. Dogs without the mess and drive of reproductive organs are a good, good thing.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Brisk Hawaii Morning

It is 66 degrees this morning. That is a fine temperature for
sleeping all curled up in your favorite quilt with a dog at your feet,
or for exercising, but not for sitting at your desk. I'm cold!

I am wearing socks, a jacket and drinking a cup of Stephen's Hazelnut
Hot Cocoa (thank you to my friend for sending it to me). I am happy
for the change in seasons. It is nice to feel cold 2 days in a row!

Happy Tuesday to ya!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Winter in Paradise

This is our fifth winter in paradise and my body is fully acclimated. At 10pm it is 70 degrees and I am cold. Crazy, but true. Here I sit in the warmest room in the house in long pj's, socks and two blankets. My arms are exposed while writing this and I am thinking seriously of putting on the jacket that is next to me.

Five years ago I remember seeing people wearing jackets while waiting to catch an early morning bus. I thought they were nuts! Coming from Utah, I could only feel warm and happy when it was 70 degrees at 6am in December.

Now, I am one of those jacket wearers. I was so 'cold' the other night I turned on the heater in my car. I totally understand how illogical it is to feel cold at 70 degrees, but I do feel cold. Maybe
my blood has thinned?

It is nice to feel a difference in the seasons, however subtle they may be. The first 4 years feel like one very long,monotonous summer. Noticing the change helps me feel like summer might be finally ending and Fall is in the air. I am doubtful that it will ever really feel like Christmas to me without at least a little snow.