Common Ground

Our best friends are the best and our closest relationships are so close because we share a lot of common ground with those individuals. This common ground is often built upon shared experiences.  We meet someone on the first day of school and we go through every day with them, side by side, we hear the same lectures, we do the same assignments, we interact with the same people, we share hours and hours of our life together.  We are friends because our lives are entwined.  Over time these experiences build a bond.  Inside jokes develop, we know what each other is thinking by body language, and we feel like we really know each other.  These types of shared experiences often develop at work, school, church, clubs, on sports teams, in our neighborhoods and families. 

Deep and lasting bonds are built on more than just shared experiences. We share interests, values and passions. It's more than just experiencing the same thing, it is reacting to those events in a similar way.  We are more likely to be close friends with someone that shares our sense of humor and laughs at the same things we do.  We are drawn to people who laugh when we laugh, and cry when we cry - those who share our reaction to the world.

Our reactions to the world stem from our personality and our core beliefs.  They define what is sacred, what is funny, what is important, what is meaningful, and what is abhorrent to each individual.  These values are key to how we view and react to the world around us, most especially the people around us. What is funny to one may be obscene to another.  What we value differs, and it differs by degree.   No two are exactly the same.  Most people have some things in common, some shared values, beliefs, interests, or desires.  If you look hard enough, you can usually find some common ground between two individuals. 

Deep thinkers want to have conversations with other deep thinkers.  Born skeptics want to hash out theories with other skeptics. Sports fans want to play, watch and talk about sports with other sports fans.  It's no fun to take someone to the hockey game that hates hockey.  It is painful to have your enthusiastic response fall on deaf ears.   In short, birds of a feather, flock together. 

It's not an exclusionary mindset.  It's not necessarily judgmental.  It's just human nature, it's logical.  It requires a lot of effort to build a relationship with someone who is vastly different from us.  We have to dig deep to find the common ground.  There may be great rewards for that effort, but it won't come easily, and most people don't have what it takes to work that hard on a relationship. It does not mean that we don't love, respect, or value people who are different than we are.  It just means that life moves along more harmoniously when we are surrounded by people who see the world similarly to the way we see it. 

We naturally gravitate to those that share the most sacred of our common ground.  Friendships, marriages, and business partnerships that share a set of core beliefs have a better chance of success.  This is not to say that we should find clones of ourselves, and only associate with them.  We all need to share our strengths with each other.  Finding team members who possess complimentary skills and talents is critical.  What I am talking about are core values.  When our core values are aligned with our team, then things flow more easily, and success is more easily attained. When we want the same things, and define success in the same way, we can move down that path more freely.   

Relationships can erode when common ground is lost.  If one or more of the parties radically depart from the status quo, it can be difficult.  What was once shared is now in conflict.  Resolving that conflict is a big challenge.  It's  difficult to adjust to a new way of relating with someone you have known for a long time.  The points where you used to connect don't line up anymore, and the change is unsettling.  This does not mean that the parties involved no longer love or care for each other.  It's not a matter of allowing or accepting that the other person has changed, it's figuring out how to connect with this new set of differences.  When individuals change, their relationships also change, as a natural consequence.  It's hard to know just where the relationship stands when the common ground erodes out from under you.

This can especially be true when someone changes their political affiliation or religious beliefs.  What are the two subjects best avoided in polite society?  Religion and politics?  That's because the emotions attached to these points run deep.  They pretty much set the stage for an individual's world view.  These type of fundamental changes represent a major shift in how a person thinks and feels about life.  It changes how they react to the events and people around them.  It changes their relationships. 

When someone close to use has a major shift in previously shared core beliefs it can feel like a personal rejection.  For the person that has not made any shift, it can feel like the other party is rejecting them personally, along with their previously shared world view.  If they no longer agree with how you think, they no longer agree with you.  If they no longer value your ideals, they no longer value you.  If they think your beliefs are wrong, they think you are wrong.  It's a pretty logical conclusion to make.  Logical maybe, but not necessarily helpful. If the particular core belief that changed was what the relationship was built upon, it might be insurmountable.  How can two hunting buddies remain close friends when one of them becomes a vegan and a PETA activist?  

The person who converts to a different religion, moves to a new country, or swaps political parties is a brave soul. Breaking with the pack can leave a person alone and without any deep connections.  The old connections are weakened, even if the individuals involved are loving and accepting of the change, they no longer have the strength of unity, and opportunities for shared experiences diminish.  New connections are just that, new.  They don't have the benefit of years of shared experiences and so they are weaker.  Often people revert back to their traditional religion, country, or ideology.  It's hard to go it alone.  Making new close connections takes time and life doesn't stop throwing challenges at you so you can get your new support system in place. 

In most cases, if both parties really try, common ground can be found.  It might be a small little plot, but it would be somewhere to start.  When there is no longer any common ground, cherish the memories and respectfully part ways.  When you come upon someone newly landed in your circle, extend a hand of friendship and help them build the strong connections they need.  Love, patience, and understanding go along way toward finding common ground.
 

Time is a Thief

Time is a thief.  It steals our babies. While we are busy mopping floors, and making a buck, time sneaks in and steals our tiny ones.  But time is also kind. With just as much stealth, our stolen babies are replaced with cherished friends.  From where I sit, those events happened in the blink of an eye.

We sat at the dinner table tonight, just the four of us, feasting on chicken enchiladas. (Ryker says the best place for Mexican food in Hawaii, is his Mama's kitchen.  That boy has a way with words.) It is probably the last time we will have a Sunday dinner like that in a while.  Ryker is leaving for Utah on Wednesday.  His ticket is one-way.  That doesn't mean he will never be back, just that the return is not yet defined.  He has a place to live, a job, and a pretty good plan for the next year or so.  His future awaits!

As we sat around the table tonight, we started talking about the old days.  It's funny how big changes like this make you think about the past.  Milestones in life cause our minds to look back at the path we took to get here.  When they were small they did funny things and even today they made us laugh.  Those are the unexpected joys of parenting.  The little gems you treasure for a life-time.

When your tiny boy (Ok, so he was never really tiny. He was tiny only in contrast to how he is today.) shows you his amazing new skill, and the most amazing thing about it is the words he uses to describe his accomplishment, it is unforgettable.  Words beyond his years, words perfectly strung together, words that convey more than their dictionary meaning.  Words.  His words have always been amazing, his super power of sorts. (What did he say about my cooking??)  His love of language began early, and continually astounded us.  When he was a newborn I remember staring into his face and wishing he could tell me what he was thinking.  I just knew he had interesting things to say. 

I will miss my interesting, funny boy popping in and brightening my day.  My favorite is when he plays guitar and sings.  There is a depth of soul in his music, that makes me happy to my core.  I love it when the house is full of his music.  He hasn't really lived at home for the last few years, but he has been in and out, except for that 4 month stint in China.  I am grateful he is only going to Utah this time, not China.  My worry level is way more manageable.  I'm not really worried at all.  After China, Utah is nothing :).

Ryker asked what we used to think Quincie would be when she grew up.  That was easy -  a Mommy and an Artist.  She has always had a tender, nurturing spirit.  Her super power is infinite patience with the small and helpless.  She is calm under pressure, never rattled by a crying child, or naughty puppy.  She is patient.  She is calm.  She is selfless and caring.  She loves with all her heart and is the kindest person I know.  If she calls you friend, you are one lucky person.

If Quincie wasn't mothering something or someone, she was doing an art project.  Not much has really changed over the years.  In her free time she is still either making something beautiful, or making someone happy.  The sculpture from her 1st college art class is sitting proudly in my living room.  It's beautiful, and my daughter is amazing.

I love my two wonderful, unique, amazing, talented, awesome kids.  They are very different, but perfectly fit together as brother and sister, son and daughter, in our family.  I wouldn't wish for anything different.  I can't wait to see what their futures hold.  I know it's going to be wonderful!

I am a Nomad

I don't remember the details of the moves my family made before I was the age of 4.  I was born in Yankton, SD and I have been told that sometime during my first year we moved to California for a very short stint in the San Fransisco area.  I have no memory of any of that.  I do remember living in Columbus, Nebraska when I was 2 and my younger brother Rik was born. I don't know how old I was when we moved there, but we stayed in Columbus until I was in 2nd grade, so 7?  I lived in Madison, Nebraska from 2nd grade until 5th grade, then it was back to Yankton for 3 years.

By those calculations, I lived in South Dakota for 1-2 years, a few months in California, then 5 years in Columbus, NE, 3 years in Madison, NE, (a grand total of 8 in Nebraska, does that make me a Cornhusker??)  and another 3 years in South Dakota.  Somewhere in all of this, we spent a winter in Fargo, ND (I know, who winters in Fargo????) and I think we had a small detour into Iowa, but I can't be 100% sure on that one.  At the end of 8th grade it was on to El Paso.

I spent all of high school and 2 years of college in El Paso, for a total of 6 years.  I spent the summer after my Sophomore year in college in Saugus, CA - well not the entire summer, just from the time school was out the end of May until The first of July.  July to September of 1988 I was in Provo, UT.  Sometime during September I drove to St. Louis, MO.  Carl and I were married in December 1988 and we lived there until July of 1992.

El Paso was 6 years, California again for a couple months, Utah for a couple months, and Missouri for 4 years.

In July of 1992 we moved to Colorado.  We lived in Colorado Springs until 1994, then we moved to the Denver area.  We left Colorado for Utah in 1999.

Colorado Springs was 2 years, and the Denver area was 5.  That makes a total of 7 years in Colorado.

We lived in Utah from 1999 to 2005.  Another 6 year stint.  We were in Provo for 1 year, and Eagle Mountain for the remaining 3.

In June 2005 we moved to Hawaii.  Ewa Beach, Hawaii to be exact.  We have been here ever since.  (Oh, well, except for that bit where I was going back and forth to Utah every few weeks for work, and the kids started school in Utah in 2006.  That didn't last long, and by October we were all back in HI again.) That is six years in one state, in the same town.  That is a tie with El Paso.  Unless I move in the next few months, this will be my personal life-time record.


This recollection only hits the highlights - the big moves.  I'm not sure if my memory holds the details of all the individual addresses I have had over the years.  The most time I have ever lived in anyone house is - I HAVE NO IDEA!  I am trying to remember, and figure out which house we lived in the longest, and I think... but I am not sure .. it was the 3 years we lived in the house we built in Eagle Mountain, UT.  I think.... I could be wrong.  I think we were in the house my parents built in Nebraska for 3 year too, maybe .... I might be missing something.

I am a nomad.  I pull up stakes so often, a tent might be practical. 

So where is home? Is it onlne? I have had the same email address MUCH longer than I have had the same physical address.  Is it where I started, or where I have lived the longest, where I am now, or where I was when the most memorable events of life occurred? Yes, yes to all of these, and no.

When I think of home, I think of all of these places, and it all sort of blends into one.  Home is where I am, where the people I love are.  Home can be anywhere.  Home is my heart.  If you live in my heart, you live in my home.  Home knows no boundaries, has no zip code, and transcends time and space.  Home is Christmas at Grandma's when I was 7 and home is today sitting at the dinner table with family and friends.

Home is a state of mind, and not a location.  Home is where I belong, and that is with the people I love, no matter where they are. Home is the Gospel if Jesus Christ, that is the same wherever my travels have taken me.  Home is my heart.

As much as I long for roots, I think the pull of the next adventure is stronger.  I dread the actual process of moving, while I anxiously await the opportunity to explore.  There is no eminent move looming in the near future.  I don't know what the future holds.  With each move I have been happy and I have been sad.  I love exploring the unknown, unpacking and setting up in a new place.  I love finding the new library, meeting new people, and learning new things.  I dread the packing and getting rid of unnecessary things.  My heart breaks to say good bye to friends and family, and leave a chapter of my life behind.  The bitter and the sweet, every time, time and time again, over and over.  It never gets easy, and it never gets boring.  I am a nomad, but I am not disconnected , rather I string a line, that follows me from place to place, connecting them all together.  Each new move adds a room to my home, the home I keep in my heart.

Choices

 There are certain seasons of life that require more decision making and change than others. Graduating from high school, going to college or not, getting married, moving, starting a business, are all times of intense decision making.  The bulk of the years just roll along in between those pivot points, working through the details created from those big decisions.When life doesn't seem to go as planned it is easy to look for someone, or something to blame - your parents, your spouse, your boss, your kids, the bad drivers on the road, the economy, the politicians, etc.  The list of bad guys is infinite, if that is what you are looking for. Blaming shoves the responsibility for the negative outcome off your shoulders and on to someone else, most of the time anyone will do. Just get that blame off of me!  The priority is to find a target to shoot back at, to express all your frustration and rage, and remove it from your own soul.  It doesn't really work though.  The blaming, the ranting, it doesn't alleviate the pain, it increases it.
For example, you have a crappy day at work.  The boss is a jerk, he makes you do stupid tasks, and stay late.  Your bad day is all his fault, you had no choice in the matter, you had to do what he said, he's the boss.  You feel totally justified in your anger and grumpiness.  On the way home you are an impatient driver - honking, yelling, maybe throwing a few hand gestures.  While driving, you call a co-worker and rehash the whole scenario, complete with all the things you wanted to tell the boss, if only you could!   At home you are greeted by noisy children, and a disinterested spouse.  You try to tell them about your bad day, but they can't hear you because they are telling you about all their drama.  Dinner is your least favorite meal, you would NEVER choose that, and it's cold, because you worked late.  Stupid boss, crazy family, yucky dinner - life just sucks! 
It's really easy, so easy, to think like that.  It's the normal reaction.  Don't beat yourself up for thinking like that - everyone does.

But everyone is wrong.

You ALWAYS have a choice.  There are so many more opportunities to choose than we think.
In the bad day scenario above, let's work backward and list all the choices along the way:

1. You don't have to retell that story.  When we retell a story, a part of us experiences it over again.  Each new person who hears that sad tale also experiences a bit of the suffering.  How many times do you want to have that bad day?  I think once should be enough.  Do you really want to share that with your loved ones?  It was bad enough the first time, there is no reason to multiply the pain.
2. It is your choice to be miserable.  Just because you have to work late, does not mean you have to be grumpy about it.  It is not required to respond to anger with anger.  You can always choose your reaction to any situation.  Bad news, angry people, less than ideal physical situations, maybe out of your control, but your reaction to them is not. Your mind is your own.  Stop, and choose a different way.  Don't give in to the negative all around you.  Focus on what is going well, how this is a means to a good end, the weekend plans you are looking forward to, whatever.  Just don't succumb to the misery.
3. You decided to work there.  You could have said no to that job offer.  You could have quit as soon as it became less than ideal.  You could have stayed home in bed this morning and avoid it all.  Of course there are consequences to any of these choices, but they are available to you.  Even if it is a family business, and you feel like you have no choice in the matter, you do.  If you quit, your family might be angry, or disappointed, but you could quit. Life would go on.  They would find a way to survive without you. There is ALWAYS an alternative.  If you look at all the options and decide that where you are is the best, then be grateful for it, realize it is your choice, and be happy with it. If it's not, then move on!
4. You selected your own spouse.  Your marriage was not arranged.  In fact, you didn't even have to get married if you didn't want to. Those out of control kids, yep, you chose them too.  You might have felt pressured into those decisions, and went down the road of least resistance, but you did choose.  No one put a gun to your head and said, "Marry this person and have 6 kids. NOW!"  That was you, you decided to bring these people into your life.  If it's really bad, why are you still there?  If you made a mistake, undo it.  I'm not suggesting it is easy, or simple, or even ideal, to break up a marriage or a family.  But, if it is really as bad as all that, do something to change it.  If you can't change it, then get out.  You are not stuck.  You always have a choice.  The consequences of those choices might not be pretty, but are they better than what you are complaining about now?  In any case, stop blaming your spouse for your unhappiness.  You chose them, just as much as they chose you.  Take responsibility for your own happiness. 
5. You made ALL the choices that led you to this point.  Once upon a time you decided to do your homework or not, to go to college, or not.  You chose your major.  You selected your friends, your first job, your hobbies, the books you read, or didn't read.  You took all the baby steps that lead you to this point.  Unless you live in a communist country, your future was of your own choosing.   No one assigned you a career path, you picked it, even if you picked it by default.  No one assigned you a circle of friends.  You picked them yourself.  No one dropped you in to a family, you created it.  You might not have given these matters the careful attention you should have, but in the words of the band, Rush, "When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." Choices, your life is made up of YOUR choices.

Each and every day is brimming full of choices that mostly go unnoticed.  Many times we react to life by following patterns of behavior that were established long ago.  Some of them even generations ago.  What worked then may not serve you now.  Becoming more aware of the daily choices that are before you opens the door to meaningful change.  Taking personal responsibility for these choices releases frustration, and brings peace.

I Just Don't Want To

I feel obligated to post an update on  the last two weeks, and what life is like sans kids.  Well, I just don't want to, so I'm not going to.  Instead, please enjoy this fine musical selection.

The Eye of the Storm

Yesterday I was on vacation with my family.  Tomorrow I will be taking both of my kids to college.  Today, by all accounts is a normal Sunday.  I woke up early, went to church.  I came home, ate the first thing I saw in the refrigerator, and promptly took a nap.  I woke up disoriented, not sure if it was Monday morning, or if I had over slept for church.  Now, I'm hungry for dinner and wishing that the kitchen fairy would show up and make me something fabulous.

It feels like I am sitting here in the eye of the storm, the calm moment sandwiched in between two big events.   The past two days were a whirlwind of fun and excitement.  We explored the island of Kauai with great enthusiasm, hardly coming up for air.  It was pretty much non-stop action.  We saw beautiful sites, played in the pool, and swam in the ocean.  We ate fabulous food, and had a great time.

This was the first family trip we have taken in a long time.  The last time we left the island together was 6 years ago, for my mother's wedding.   A trip, just for fun, was long over due.  It's easy to live in the moment during a trip.  I guess that's the point of going on vacation, to leave your cares behind and enjoy just what you are doing right then and there.  No wonder the family vacation is such a part of our culture.  We should have tried it sooner :).

 I had no idea, but there is this amazing, Grand Canyon like site on Kauai.  It is Waimea Canyon, on the west side.  The drive up there was long, and winding, and did I mention long? and winding?  After hearing protests from the back seat of motion sickness, and my own rising sense of panic and queasiness, I cried, "uncle", about 2 minutes before we reached the top.  Thankfully the driver didn't listen to me!  That was a good lesson for me about not giving up too soon, etc, etc.  Anyway ... see for yourself, the view was breathtaking!! 

It's kind of hard to believe that all of these photos were taken on one island, only 33 miles wide and 25 miles long.  It was cold and wet at the top of the Canyon, warm and sunny at the beach.  When the river boat stopped at the Fern Grotto, it was down right hot.

... and today is, well, just plain old, normal.  Which is good.  Normal can be a very good thing.

Tomorrow both of my kids are packing up, and heading off to college.  Not unlike the vacation, it will be a day full of excitement and activity.  There will also be a couple of long drives, and maybe even a stop at the beach :).

And after tomorrow ...  normal will be reset.

Diving into Life

Life is like the ocean.  Sometimes it is calm and peaceful, and sometimes it is a raging storm.  Even during the peaceful times, there are waves and currents.  The tides roll in, the tides roll out, day after day, without fail.  The ocean is always teaming with life and activity.  It is never still.  It is always changing.  Life is exactly like this.

 If you attempt to sit still in the ocean, you are carried one way or another by waves and currents.  It takes some action on your part to direct your path, or to even stay in one place.  You have to swim, tread water, kick, paddle, drop an anchor, do something, or you are going to be moved.  If you pause, for even a moment, the current can move you great distances. The ocean is a powerful force, even when peaceful. 

Have you ever stood at the beach and let the waves rush over you?  Not ready to jump right in to all the chaos, you timidly walk down to where water meets sand and inch your way in. As you stand there enjoying the cool flood over your hot feet, WHAM!  a huge wave comes and knocks you on your butt.  As you try to stand, the sand under you rushes away, pulled back into the water with the receding wave, you lose your footing, and down you go again.  As you struggle, another wave comes along, and you are rolled.  That second wave doesn't need to be very big to knock you over, since you haven't fully recovered from the first one.  You are only sort of standing, and very unsteady.  As wave after wave continues to hit, you tumble, and roll, struggle, and gasp.  Eventually, you back up, and retreat to higher ground, or dive on in and try to get all the sand out of your pants.

Inching towards a big change in life can be frightening.  We approach with caution, and inch our way in.  Standing there, hesitating, we can get hit with a big wave, a devastating set back, like a major illness, job loss, death of a loved one, etc.  Then when we are down, and still struggling to stand, even the smallest waves can knock us back down, and keep us down, tumbling us over and over, as we struggle to breathe and stand.  Sometimes it seems like those waves keep on coming, and that we are going to drown, that the ocean will win, and drag us out to sea.  We might even need a friend to rescue us and pull us one way or another, out of the line of fire.

The best way to go for a swim in the ocean, is to run and dive right on in.  Dive over the wave, into the wave, or under it.  When you are swimming, you cannot be knocked down.  The wave loses its power when you stop resisting, and go with the flow.  What is a powerful force at the shore, capable of knocking you flat, is a gentle rocking motion when you are bobbing along in the middle of it.  If you are swimming under the surface, it feels like nothing at all.  While standing, or treading water, if a large wave approaches, and you aren't paying attention, you can still get walloped good.  A face full of salt water that leaves you sputtering, but still upright.  If you see it coming, all it takes is a little hop just at the right moment, and you float along, with your head safely above the surface. Resisting is what causes all the trouble.

In life, it's just the same.  It's the resistance to life's changes,and challenges that bring all the destruction and pain.  When we fight against the inevitable, when we hesitate to take the next step, that's when life really knocks us down.  We have to pay attention, see what is coming our way, and then jump on board, and ride the wave.  When we resist, we go under, we sputter, and gasp.  Life is never going to be like a reflection pool - still and perfectly clear.  It keeps moving, and changing.  Every day we have new things come our way.  Life changes.  If we don't figure out how to adapt and change with it, we suffer, and life is harder than it needs to be.

Learning to anticipate the waves, and jump into them, rather than resist, helps smooth out the ride.  If you see a future challenge coming, do what you can to prepare for it, and when it hits - jump up to great it, rather then try to out run it, you will float along with only a minor disruption.  You can't out run, or out swim, the waves of change that life brings.  Babies grow up, kids get married, people get sick, we have to move, jobs are lost, cars break down, we grow old, and everyone of us will eventually die.  You can't avoid these normal life events.  You can prepare, you can be watchful, and you can embrace each new wave as it comes your way.  You can jump in and live life, rather than stand on the shore and let the waves beat you down.  You must keep moving, if you wish to have any peace.  There is no such thing as standing still.

My house is silent, and that is strange.  Ryker's in China, Quincie and Carl are at church, and the dogs are asleep.  The only sounds are my fingers on the keyboard, and the faint rustle of wind and rain outside.  No music, no TV, no conversation, no dishwasher, no washing machine, no anything to disturb my peace.

The really strange thing is that I'm not asleep.  Normally if I get this quiet and still, I'm out in seconds flat.  Not tonight, here I sitting, musing in the silence.

It seems like life goes in cycles, or waves, and things never stay the same for very long.  This can be good or bad, depending on your perspective, but it is an unavoidable fact.  Everything is always in a state of change.  Sometimes life moves like a roller coaster - changing so fast that we can hardly keep up with it.  Our body is racing forward and our heart and stomach lag behind, leaving panic and terror in the gap.  When life is like this, each new challenge comes at us faster than we can process, and we lurch and retch as we struggle to keep up.

Right now it feels more like hiking an unknown trail.  I am setting the pace, but I have no idea what is around the next corner, or up the next hill, or even if there will be a corner or a hill.  I'm not lurching or flying along in panic, but rather straining forward, to see what is waiting for me.  The lack of a map is frustrating, and the fleeting glimpses I occasionally catch of the path ahead are not enough to satisfy my curiosity.  I can see the mountain top, the ultimate goal, but the path is obscured, and at times that is maddening.  I long to meet someone coming back down the path that can tell me all about it, or find someone that has been up there before that wants to go again, and lead me.  But, no, I mostly get to climb the mountain alone.  My fellow travelers are few, and just as uninformed. 

The challenge is to have patience, and enjoy the journey.  There is joy in every step, and too much focus on what is to come, limits the ability to see what is here now.

Spring in the Land of Eternal Summer

After finally crossing the dreaded word "taxes" off my to-do list this morning, it's time to get happy!  I beat my usual midnight on the 15th deadline by a full 36 hours or so this year.  Man, am I on it or what?  Other than the tax thing, Spring is awesome!

 I really love all the traditional Spring flowers; tulips, daffodils, hyacinths, lilacs, and the like.  Bulb flowers, especially tulips, have such clean lines.  They are no fuss flowers.  They are hardy and strong.  Their colors are bold.  From the cold, snow covered earth they boldly burst forth and declare their presence.  They stand tall and straight and demand notice.  The intoxicating smell of a lilac bush can draw me from blocks away.  It's distinct, unmistakable, and fleeting.  No other flower smells anything like a lilac.  It stands alone as Queen of the olfactory realm for a few weeks each year. It's been years, but thanks to my memory I can replay the sensory treats of a Midwest Spring.

Spring in the land of eternal Summer isn't quite as outwardly expressive as it is nearly everywhere else. Since nothing dies over the winter there is no sweeping, drama of rebirth.  The temperature goes up a few degrees, the rain of winter continues, and things get a little greener. The scantily clad plumeria trees of winter put on a full dress of blooms and fill the air with the rich heady scent that was softly teasing all winter long. The trees on the green mountainsides are now dotted with bright splashes of purple, red and orange.  Rather than awakening from a deep sleep, Spring in Hawaii is more like going from a waltz to a samba.  The dance never stops, it just changes tempo..

Regardless of the temperature outside, Spring is a season of change for me.  It's a time of renewal in energy and spirit.  It's time to get up and move!  Get outside and do something!  Stand up and make things happen!  Be like the tulip and boldly strike out against all opposition!  Or turn up the intensity and fill life with beauty and sweetness to overflowing like the plumeria, bougainvillea, and hibiscus of the tropics.  This Spring is no different, and I am excited about the future and all the fun that lies ahead.

The Emotions of Change

The end of one year and the start of a new is often a time of reflection and goal setting. Typically goals are set in January with high hopes and enthusiasm. By the time December rolls around we are discouraged by our lack of progress. Setting New Year's Resolutions is common, but accomplishing them is not. Why is that?

Every successful person will tell you that they consistently set goals for themselves. Most have a format that they follow that includes writing them down, and tracking progress, frequently evaluating and making changes in the plan as necessary. Yet even these successful people often struggle with one or more goals that they just can't seem to conquer. For example, a successful business man that is continually on a diet to loose weight, and yo-yo's back and forth year after year. His business goals are met each quarter without fail, yet this personal challenge continues to plague him. What is the difference? Why is money easy and weight hard for the same person? Why is one change a challenge and the other a stumbling block?

Emotions. Our personal emotions are the determining factor. How we FEEL about the changes we have set out for ourselves makes all the difference between success and failure. The business man feels confident setting and achieving sales and profitability goals. He is sure of his abilities and acts accordingly. Set backs are not personal, they are a challenge. He expects success and achieves it. When it comes to his weight, he feels very different. He is emotional about his body image. He over eats to fill an emotional need. When he diets that need goes unmet, and he eventually gives up and eats, to meet that deeply emotional need. He is probably only vaguely aware of that emotional hole that he tries to fill with food. It is not a conscious thought. When he looks in the mirror or steps on a scale, he feels badly about himself. He thinks of all the failed diets, and the voice in his head calls him a failure. He wants to be fit and healthy, but right now he sees himself as fat, ugly, unhealthy and a loser. He sees himself as he is, rather than as he could be. Until he resolves the underlying emotional need, he will always struggle with his weight.

In another person the situation may be reversed. They have a healthy body and healthy lifestyle. Fitness goals are easily achieved. Their body has always responded well to exercise and they enjoy a balanced diet. Any injuries and illnesses are easily overcome. On the other hand, money has always been a struggle. She has held many jobs, but nothing seems to work out for very long. It always feels like the world is conspiring against her. When money gets tight, she panics, pulls in the reigns and tries to control spending. When things seems to be going well, she is plagued with the nagging fear that it won't last. The panic and fear create a feeling of scarcity, even when none exists. Scarcity always reoccurs and the bouts of prosperity are short lived. Just like the man with a weight problem, she is stuck in this cycle by her own negative emotions. Her view of herself is limiting her ability to change.

When we decide to make a change how we feel about it is the most important factor. If we get that wrong, no goal achieving strategy will work. If we get it right, then just about any strategy we choose will bring success. It's not the method, so much as it is the motivation, that determines success.

Of the millions of smokers, most of them have tried to quit at least once, without success. There are countless methods, programs, and products available to help someone quit smoking. There is a physical addiction to contend with, but the emotional reasons people smoke are normally ignored. Reformed smokers will tell you that they tried to quit many times, and were only successful when finally some switch was flipped inside of them. When they were finally quitting for their own "right reason" they did it. The difference was internal and emotional, not the method or the program. The rest are tools that help, but the determining factor came from within.

Choosing something different for yourself is a common, everyday experience. We change what we wear, how we do our hair, the music we listen to, and the types of food we eat frequently and without any emotion attached. Sometimes these small changes are hard for us, but mostly, we just wake up one day and decide that we want to be a red head who eats Thai food, and do it. We hear of a new toothpaste, so we switch, no heartache required. If the new brand of toothpaste tastes bad, we throw it away, and try another. These no emotion changes are easy and we make them often.

Accomplishing bigger, or more meaningful, change requires more of us, but can be just as free of emotional baggage. Because you make the choice to do something different today, does not mean that what you did yesterday was bad or wrong. It only means it was different. Just like switching toothpaste brands, switching jobs, or careers, or homes, is totally your choice. You can choose to live here today and live somewhere else tomorrow. It does not mean that where you were was bad. It only means that you want to live somewhere new tomorrow. Having a feeling of gratitude for what you have, and who you are, will enable you to make choices that lead to more successful changes. Desiring change because you loath yourself or your present circumstance will not lead to success. You will be like the overweight businessman who only sticks to his diet for a short while, before giving in to those emotional needs.

Desiring to loose weight and improve health might be achieved if he began with an honest appreciation for his current self. He might say to himself things like, "I have a strong and capable body." "My body has served me well for my entire life so far." "My sound and capable mind is part of my body and is capable of governing it well." "My body has overcome many illnesses and injuries in my lifetime and is excellent at healing itself." "My body was created in the image of God." "My body is dynamic and capable of great things." "My body needs food and exercise and I provide them in the right proportions." "This extra weight has served to fill my emotional needs. My needs are met by other means now and I no longer need it. I give my body permission to burn it off." "I am safe without all of the extra weight." Starting the process with positive feelings about himself, with an attitude of thankfulness for his body, is a step towards achieving his goals. Having his emotions in line with his intentions, and physical actions will lead to greater success.

After spending 20 years as a doctor, a person retires to write books. They are not a failure. They are a successful person that decided to do something different. They did not fail as a doctor because they now want to write. The same is true for all of us. If after spending most of your life as a (insert profession, habit, hobby, or any other label) you decide you would like to become (insert a profession, habit, hobby or any other label), send your old self off with gratitude and love, and face the new with hope and patience.

Often times, we are hard on ourselves for our seeming failures. We expect a lot, and beat ourselves up when we don't perform. This is counterproductive. We should be kind and gentle with ourselves, especially when we are making major life changes. We did not get to where we are in a day, and it will likely take more than a day to get somewhere new. Patience with self is important. When set backs occur, they are not a reason to give up in defeat. Forgive yourself, and try again. We learn by making mistakes. Watch a baby learn to walk. They fall down all the time. They make more wrong steps than right ones. Each wrong step, each fall, sends information to the babies brain about how to do it different next time. Eventually they get it right. The same is true with anything you want to accomplish. Make the best plans you know how, but when things go wrong, learn, adjust, and take another step.

Upon learning of a new, or better way of living, don't spend any energy wishing you would have made this change sooner. You are making it as soon as you are able. You were not prepared until just this moment, to make that change. The thing you want may not have existed, or even been possible, until now. Don't waste energy regretting the past, be thankful for it, and spend your energy moving forward. All the experiences of our past prepare us to be the person we are today. Be grateful for the job that you have out grown as you start looking for your next position. Leave it behind with gratitude for all the learning and growth you experienced while there. Someone else is waiting for just that job to open up to fill a desire in their life. Send it on to them with blessings. The same with a new home, or car. Let the past go with gratitude for how well it served you and step graciously into your future.

It's Limbo Week Again

Limbo Week

After delivering presents to children around the globe, Santa takes a much deserved break. He parks the magic sleigh in the garage, kisses Mrs. Claus good night, and takes a nap for the next week. It is the only 7 days of the year that he is not watching, and making those naughty and nice lists. This phenomena was first brought to my attention by my then five year old niece. On Christmas evening, after all the presents were opened, and the food devoured, she was up to
some minor childhood antics. One of the adults scolded her, and reminded her to, "watch out", she wouldn't want to be on the naughty list. Her reply was, "Why? Santa has already come." She was absolutely right. Santa had already brought her so many presents, she had clearly made it on the nice list for the year that was about to end. Santa's lists are for each calendar year. Santa's record keeping takes a break for that week between Christmas and New Years while he catches up on his rest, and starts fresh on January 1st. What do you do with your Limbo Week, the one and only 7-day free pass for the year?

Most of us follow Santa's lead and do as little as possible. We sleep in, watch TV, put away the Christmas decorations, or at least think about it. Some of us go on vacation, maybe skiing, or somewhere tropical. Why don't we all make the most of our limited time and have a whole week of Carnival-like sin and excitement?? Why not just try some new things, before we have to give them a name, like "New Year's resolution"? Take a test drive before we make any sort of official
commitment to feel guilty about when we break?



Here are a few ideas:

Give up a bad habit. Just try for the week. Don't tell anyone. Most of us are off work or school, so it is a good time to be cranky. They kids will be so in to their new toys they might not even notice. Try to give up caffeine or sugar or something. In virtual seclusion you can be as mean and as surly as you want and it won't effect your job or your grades. Your family might wonder what is going on and banish you to the attic, which is the perfect place to try out yoga with no one watching.

Try a new hobby, like yoga. No one will notice if you stink at it if it is over by January 1. If you discover you have some hidden talent for oil painting, or ballet, you can start the new year with a week already under your belt.

Color your hair. I don't mean something subtle to hide the gray (yes, you have gray hairs). I am talking radical. Go bleach blond, or flaming red. I actually did this once on New Year's Eve. It was
over so fast there isn't even a photo to record that I once had strawberry blond hair. It was chocolate brown again by January 1st. If the new do suits you, you can start of the new year looking great!

Enjoy some guilty pleasures. Go ahead, indulge - eat that chocolate cake. It won't last another week, and by Jan 2nd you will be on to your new diet. Plus the next time someone bakes you a cake that good will be your birthday, months away. Finish the carton of egg nog. The store won't even sell it for another 11 months.

Go to the movies during the day. No one is really working this week anyway. Those of you at your desk are just surfing the net spending your holiday gift cards, or looking at youtube for something to entertain you.Take a long lunch, at the theater. Nothing beats movie popcorn for lunch.

Take a nap. When is the last time you took a nap? Kindergarten? Nothing feels quite as indulgent as a mid-day nap. Go ahead, grab your favorite blankie and snooze while the sun shines.

Read a book. If you can't take a real vacation, take a mental one. Pick up one of the new best sellers,an old favorite, or even a trashy magazine. It doesn't really matter what you select, as long as it takes you away. Warning, reading may leading to napping, so be prepared.

Play, after all, this is the wisdom of a 5 year old and play is what they do best. The kids are home from school and there are all those new toys to checkout. Make the most of that white Christmas - build a snowman and make snow angels. Go to the beach and make a sand castle.

Go ahead - live a little - its Limbo Week.

NOTE: I wrote this a couple of years ago. I thought I would post it again. Maybe if you tried yoga last year, you are up for a new hair color this year :-). My own Limbo Week experiment was giving up caffeine. I did that in December 2007. I haven't had any since! Happy New Year!

Evaluation & Review

Who gives you your yearly review and accompanying raise, if said evaluation goes well? The boss of course! Being my own boss, I am then in the position to review and evaluate my own performance. There have been years that the boss was rather harsh, and the whole process did not go so well. Lucky for me, I am a reformed perfectionist. Rather than my previous "type A" personality, I am now more like a B+, sometimes even a good solid C.

Let's take a look at where I was a year ago, and see how things have changed.

1. I was driving a mechanically challenged car. I wrote about in "Small Miracles". I did a good job keeping a positive attitude through all the troubles, but that hunk of junk was really getting to me. In October Carl turned my daily battle into a daily pleasure by purchasing me a 2004 PT Cruiser. It is a bright shiny blue (my favorite color), and runs just like it should. It is so nice to drive a reliable vehicle. Still no car payment, so no downside, definitely a step in the right direction.

2. As predicted, and vehemently protested, last year's Christmas Present sits unused. Didn't we look happy? How could Carl have been so right, and the rest of us so wrong? Boy, the grass looks good in those pics. That's one thing that did not improve in the last 12 months, the yard. Anyone interested in a used (well, not so much used) trampoline? It was so much fun, I don't really understand why we have ignored it for so long. Maybe we are all just growing up, even me.

3. It's now been TWO years!!! Two years without caffeine! I never saw it lasting this long when I started back in December of 2007. I think I deserve an A+ for this one. Last year at this time I was still struggling with the occasional headache in the migraine realm of intensity. I am happy to report than I have been headache free for most of 2009. In fact, I can't remember the last one. How's that for an improvement? In addition to sticking with my no caffeine commitment, I have started exercising daily, and eating better in general. I think that these two steps have helped finish off my tendency towards headaches.

4. Christmas in Paradise, again ... Twelve months later, same problem. Living in Hawaii is a lot like living in that movie Ground Hog Day, except that they had a nice white Christmas sort of back drop to the whole thing, and we have 80 degrees and sunshine. Don't get me wrong, it is truly AWESOME not having to ever, ever, ever scrap a windshield, or worry about your hair freezing if you don't want to spend an hour with the blow dryer in the morning. BUT .... it is hard to feel all Chrstimasy when your 5 senses tell you it should be the 4th of July. Is it wrong to serve BBQ and corn on the cob for Christmas dinner? I've made no improvement here, and might actually have back slid a bit this year. I'm not feelin' the Christmas Spirit at all and I've got less than 24 hours to get it or forget it.

5. Last December I had a rotten cold and was struggling with my Mental Filing. I am happy to report that I think that was the last time I was really sick with a bad cold or flu. I have had a very healthy 2009. I attribute the good health to the improved diet, daily exercise, and lack of caffeine. I also think that stress reduction has contributed in a big way. I have not found some magical way to live a stress free life, I have just gotten better at managing it. Letting go of my perfectionist ideals was a good place to start.

6. I have given up on the to do list ap on my iphone and gone back to my notebook. There is something about the physical act of pen to paper that really resonates for me. The tactile touch of the pen and paper, the permanent placement of the words on the page, the act of making that check mark when something is complete - it all really works well for my brain. Honestly, I love my notebooks, and I am excited to start 2010 with a really pretty new one I bought just for that occasion.

We have now been married 21 years, I still miss my family, my kids have grown up even more and I am still still just as unprepared for a tropic storm as I was a year ago. I'm still not excited about eating lamb, and I never did write that story about the missing shoes.

Give Said the Little Stream

Since sitting down to my computer this morning I have started this post at least 5 times. After writing a few lines I read it and then backspace it all. I just can't get the words to convey my thoughts this morning. My head is full of deep and conflicting thoughts. There are the thoughts on the surface of how long my list is for today, and all the other things I would like to put on that list, but don't dare. If my list gets longer than a page I tend to freak out and spend the day spinning my wheels. There are the carnal thoughts of food and how nice it would feel to climb back into bed and sleep another hour or two. Then there are the calm and quiet thoughts, the steady current of ideas flowing underneath all the swirling chaos. Those are the thoughts I want to nurture and cultivate. Those are the thoughts I want to share.

Imagine your life is a river. It starts high on a mountain top as a small but powerful stream. As time goes on you grow, and pick up speed. with the momentum of flowing forward you pick up a lot of debris. Dirt, rocks, leaves, branches, all kinds of stuff that muddy up your crystal clean water and slow down the flow. Occasionally you come to something so large, so steady that you have no choice but to go around it. You have to completely change course. Sometimes your life might even feel like white water rapids, tossing violently and crashing into immovable obstacles.

Alternately, the river of life can gently flow bringing new experiences and new views, at a comfortable pace. Picking up what's needful, and leaving behind evidence of your life in the sediment. Eventually flowing into the ocean or a lake to joining with others for a larger purpose.

This gentle flow is what I am after. I wish to gently flow through each new experience taking life as it comes without struggle. I love the Primary song, "Give Said the Little Stream". Where ever I go I want to leave the grass greener. I want to sing all through the days and give away all the good things I pick up along my journey.

In a Heartbeat

Yesterday Ryker turned 18 and I am in a contemplative mood. I'm thinking about all kinds of things, some happy, some sad, the past, and the future yet to unfold. I start to write about how I feel, and then I erase it, because it seems dumb, trivial, and trite. Kids grow up, kids go to college, kids move away, and that is the way of it. Why should my feelings on the subject be anything noteworthy? How is my experience any more or any less than any other mother's?

At some moments I feel so full of joy and great wonder at how my baby boy grew into this amazing, capable young man. In other moments I feel such loss and despair. Like I am mourning the end of an era, the end of being the mother of children. I will always be a mother, but not the mother of children. Right now I am the mother of teenagers. Far too soon I will be the mother of adults. I don't know what to think of that and I certainly don't know how to do that.

I still have Quincie for a couple more years. That helps, for now. I don't even want to think about 2 years from now. Today and next week are quite enough thank you. She started school today. She is 16 and a Junior. I remember being 16 and a Junior. Was it really that long ago? The fashion is looking pretty similar. The skinny jeans, (we called them straight leg) the bright neon colors, and Converse - If only I had saved them!

Quincie wears my clothes, and sometimes, I wear hers. Shoes, we always share. Sometimes I watch her sleep and the same feelings of awe and love overwhelm me as they did that first night when she slept next to me in the hospital bed. She is my sweet, little, blue-eyed, angel baby.

A friend asked me the other day if my kids were always this good. I said, "No, they were horrid babies." They were cute and wonderful, and really, really horrid. Ryker had colic, in the extreme. He ate at least every 2 hours and threw up constantly. He was always hungry, and always needed attention. He grew fast, and was mobile really early. He walked at 10 months. We put a lock on the fridge. He liked to help himself to the jug of milk. He broke those baby proofing cabinet locks, and got into everything. He had no fear, and was intensely curious. He loved people and would eat just about anything. He was happy most of the time, but you had to watch him constantly.

Quincie was different. She just cried... and cried... for no apparent reason... for days. She wanted no one but me, and would have rather starved than drink from a bottle. Her nick name was Fussalina. We held family prayers begging God to make her stop crying. I worked with her on my lap a lot that first year. She was in no hurry to walk and I never baby proofed the house for her. She was content to sit next to me and watch Ryker run around and do crazy things to entertain her.

It was hard to get much done with Fussalina and Destructo Boy, but somehow we managed. Carl worked nights and I worked days, and neither of us slept much. Those days went by so quickly and every year, the kids got easier and easier.

The two of them have always been great friends. They have never had a physical fight, not so much as a push or a hit. The craziest trouble has always been a team effort. Whereever they went, he has always looked out for her. This year is the first year he won't be on campus with her. It makes me a little nervous. I like them together, especially when they are not with me. I can't remember the last time either of them got in trouble and had to be punished. It's been a long, long time. They are awesome kids and I am a lucky mom!

There were so many good times, so many funny things, and so much love. I really like being the mom of Ryker and Quincie. They are super awesome kids. If I could go back and do it all again, I would. I wouldn't want to change a thing, except to enjoy each moment more. The good, the bad, the crazy, the hard, the fun, the silly, the messy and the painful. I would do it all again. In a heartbeat.