The Emotions of Change

The end of one year and the start of a new is often a time of reflection and goal setting. Typically goals are set in January with high hopes and enthusiasm. By the time December rolls around we are discouraged by our lack of progress. Setting New Year's Resolutions is common, but accomplishing them is not. Why is that?

Every successful person will tell you that they consistently set goals for themselves. Most have a format that they follow that includes writing them down, and tracking progress, frequently evaluating and making changes in the plan as necessary. Yet even these successful people often struggle with one or more goals that they just can't seem to conquer. For example, a successful business man that is continually on a diet to loose weight, and yo-yo's back and forth year after year. His business goals are met each quarter without fail, yet this personal challenge continues to plague him. What is the difference? Why is money easy and weight hard for the same person? Why is one change a challenge and the other a stumbling block?

Emotions. Our personal emotions are the determining factor. How we FEEL about the changes we have set out for ourselves makes all the difference between success and failure. The business man feels confident setting and achieving sales and profitability goals. He is sure of his abilities and acts accordingly. Set backs are not personal, they are a challenge. He expects success and achieves it. When it comes to his weight, he feels very different. He is emotional about his body image. He over eats to fill an emotional need. When he diets that need goes unmet, and he eventually gives up and eats, to meet that deeply emotional need. He is probably only vaguely aware of that emotional hole that he tries to fill with food. It is not a conscious thought. When he looks in the mirror or steps on a scale, he feels badly about himself. He thinks of all the failed diets, and the voice in his head calls him a failure. He wants to be fit and healthy, but right now he sees himself as fat, ugly, unhealthy and a loser. He sees himself as he is, rather than as he could be. Until he resolves the underlying emotional need, he will always struggle with his weight.

In another person the situation may be reversed. They have a healthy body and healthy lifestyle. Fitness goals are easily achieved. Their body has always responded well to exercise and they enjoy a balanced diet. Any injuries and illnesses are easily overcome. On the other hand, money has always been a struggle. She has held many jobs, but nothing seems to work out for very long. It always feels like the world is conspiring against her. When money gets tight, she panics, pulls in the reigns and tries to control spending. When things seems to be going well, she is plagued with the nagging fear that it won't last. The panic and fear create a feeling of scarcity, even when none exists. Scarcity always reoccurs and the bouts of prosperity are short lived. Just like the man with a weight problem, she is stuck in this cycle by her own negative emotions. Her view of herself is limiting her ability to change.

When we decide to make a change how we feel about it is the most important factor. If we get that wrong, no goal achieving strategy will work. If we get it right, then just about any strategy we choose will bring success. It's not the method, so much as it is the motivation, that determines success.

Of the millions of smokers, most of them have tried to quit at least once, without success. There are countless methods, programs, and products available to help someone quit smoking. There is a physical addiction to contend with, but the emotional reasons people smoke are normally ignored. Reformed smokers will tell you that they tried to quit many times, and were only successful when finally some switch was flipped inside of them. When they were finally quitting for their own "right reason" they did it. The difference was internal and emotional, not the method or the program. The rest are tools that help, but the determining factor came from within.

Choosing something different for yourself is a common, everyday experience. We change what we wear, how we do our hair, the music we listen to, and the types of food we eat frequently and without any emotion attached. Sometimes these small changes are hard for us, but mostly, we just wake up one day and decide that we want to be a red head who eats Thai food, and do it. We hear of a new toothpaste, so we switch, no heartache required. If the new brand of toothpaste tastes bad, we throw it away, and try another. These no emotion changes are easy and we make them often.

Accomplishing bigger, or more meaningful, change requires more of us, but can be just as free of emotional baggage. Because you make the choice to do something different today, does not mean that what you did yesterday was bad or wrong. It only means it was different. Just like switching toothpaste brands, switching jobs, or careers, or homes, is totally your choice. You can choose to live here today and live somewhere else tomorrow. It does not mean that where you were was bad. It only means that you want to live somewhere new tomorrow. Having a feeling of gratitude for what you have, and who you are, will enable you to make choices that lead to more successful changes. Desiring change because you loath yourself or your present circumstance will not lead to success. You will be like the overweight businessman who only sticks to his diet for a short while, before giving in to those emotional needs.

Desiring to loose weight and improve health might be achieved if he began with an honest appreciation for his current self. He might say to himself things like, "I have a strong and capable body." "My body has served me well for my entire life so far." "My sound and capable mind is part of my body and is capable of governing it well." "My body has overcome many illnesses and injuries in my lifetime and is excellent at healing itself." "My body was created in the image of God." "My body is dynamic and capable of great things." "My body needs food and exercise and I provide them in the right proportions." "This extra weight has served to fill my emotional needs. My needs are met by other means now and I no longer need it. I give my body permission to burn it off." "I am safe without all of the extra weight." Starting the process with positive feelings about himself, with an attitude of thankfulness for his body, is a step towards achieving his goals. Having his emotions in line with his intentions, and physical actions will lead to greater success.

After spending 20 years as a doctor, a person retires to write books. They are not a failure. They are a successful person that decided to do something different. They did not fail as a doctor because they now want to write. The same is true for all of us. If after spending most of your life as a (insert profession, habit, hobby, or any other label) you decide you would like to become (insert a profession, habit, hobby or any other label), send your old self off with gratitude and love, and face the new with hope and patience.

Often times, we are hard on ourselves for our seeming failures. We expect a lot, and beat ourselves up when we don't perform. This is counterproductive. We should be kind and gentle with ourselves, especially when we are making major life changes. We did not get to where we are in a day, and it will likely take more than a day to get somewhere new. Patience with self is important. When set backs occur, they are not a reason to give up in defeat. Forgive yourself, and try again. We learn by making mistakes. Watch a baby learn to walk. They fall down all the time. They make more wrong steps than right ones. Each wrong step, each fall, sends information to the babies brain about how to do it different next time. Eventually they get it right. The same is true with anything you want to accomplish. Make the best plans you know how, but when things go wrong, learn, adjust, and take another step.

Upon learning of a new, or better way of living, don't spend any energy wishing you would have made this change sooner. You are making it as soon as you are able. You were not prepared until just this moment, to make that change. The thing you want may not have existed, or even been possible, until now. Don't waste energy regretting the past, be thankful for it, and spend your energy moving forward. All the experiences of our past prepare us to be the person we are today. Be grateful for the job that you have out grown as you start looking for your next position. Leave it behind with gratitude for all the learning and growth you experienced while there. Someone else is waiting for just that job to open up to fill a desire in their life. Send it on to them with blessings. The same with a new home, or car. Let the past go with gratitude for how well it served you and step graciously into your future.