44 on the 4th

That's a LOT of 4's!  It's been a good day, lots of fun, good food, well wishes, and some cool presents.  I even got to have bacon twice today.  That makes it a stellar day for sure!  Bacon does have magic powers ...

Along with all the good birthday jazz from my awesome family and friends have come some deep thoughts.  Things I have been thinking about for several days.  To everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn .... right? 

So, I'm probably not going to be a neuroscientist, or a doctor, or an astronaut (gave that one up a long time ago), or a gymnast, or a great dancer, or a host of many other such things.  I"m  not going to have any more babies (I suppose you never know, but really, I think that ship has sailed).  Grandparenthood is pretty much staring me in the face, coming right on down that track.  That 's not bad, not bad at all, just well, new.  It's an adjustment.  For somethings, the time has come and gone.  I'm not totally comfortable with that, but I don't suppose that makes any difference in the matter, it's here, like it or not.

What I am not fine with is settling for mediocrity.  I want to accomplish great things in my life.  I want to make a difference.  I want to DO something.  I want to achieve something big, finish something difficult, take something to a level of excellence, really reach the top.  I don't want to be a CEO, I don't need to run the world, but I DO need to step out of the middle of the road and get to something great.  I feel dissatisfied, like I have wasted a lot of time just getting by, and not really doing much with what God has given me.  I work hard, always have, but looking back it all seems sort of aimless, a lot of wandering from thing to thing.  I am fairly competent at a lot of things.  I'd really like to be the best at something, something that matters.  That sounds like I'm looking for recognition from the world.  Maybe I am a little bit, but not really, not at the core.  The praise of others is not the driving force.  It's the voice inside my head, the one that says, "You are more than all this.  You are destined for greatness, why do you sit and wallow in your mediocrity?  Why are you content with good enough?  Get up, try harder, you can do better. "  It's that voice that won't shut up.  It's that voice that wakes me up at night with thoughts of, "Go back to school, you need to finish it." 

I don't want to spend any more of my life just getting by, doing just enough, feeling like middle of the road is all I can do.  It's not true.  I know it's not.  I've always felt like there was more out there, that I had some spark of greatness, something that I was meant to do, that only I can do, that I MUST do.  There are choices I can no longer make, the time has passed.  There are options no longer open.  But this does not mean that I am stuck, or that there aren't many, many, many choices left to make, chances left to take, dreams to dream, and goals to achieve. 

I guess I'm just feeling a little disappointed in myself right now.  I know who I am, and what I am capable of, and I have not been living up to that level.  I got tired, and I let things slide.  I kind of gave up on somethings, and settled in.  I let the hard knocks of life knock me out a bit.  Shrink the pond, rather than be a bigger fish.  Run in the middle of the herd instead of blaze the trail.  Float along instead of row and steer the boat. 

I see it, and I feel it, but doing it, well, that's a whole other ball of wax..... I still feel so tired.  So tired from all the work, all the effort to just keep it all going.  The never ending struggle to make ends meet, do what has to be done, by the skin of my teeth, just in the nick of time. winging it, flying along by the seat of my pants..  At some point I just want to do things right, all of them, once and for all.  Do it, for real.