Choices

 There are certain seasons of life that require more decision making and change than others. Graduating from high school, going to college or not, getting married, moving, starting a business, are all times of intense decision making.  The bulk of the years just roll along in between those pivot points, working through the details created from those big decisions.When life doesn't seem to go as planned it is easy to look for someone, or something to blame - your parents, your spouse, your boss, your kids, the bad drivers on the road, the economy, the politicians, etc.  The list of bad guys is infinite, if that is what you are looking for. Blaming shoves the responsibility for the negative outcome off your shoulders and on to someone else, most of the time anyone will do. Just get that blame off of me!  The priority is to find a target to shoot back at, to express all your frustration and rage, and remove it from your own soul.  It doesn't really work though.  The blaming, the ranting, it doesn't alleviate the pain, it increases it.
For example, you have a crappy day at work.  The boss is a jerk, he makes you do stupid tasks, and stay late.  Your bad day is all his fault, you had no choice in the matter, you had to do what he said, he's the boss.  You feel totally justified in your anger and grumpiness.  On the way home you are an impatient driver - honking, yelling, maybe throwing a few hand gestures.  While driving, you call a co-worker and rehash the whole scenario, complete with all the things you wanted to tell the boss, if only you could!   At home you are greeted by noisy children, and a disinterested spouse.  You try to tell them about your bad day, but they can't hear you because they are telling you about all their drama.  Dinner is your least favorite meal, you would NEVER choose that, and it's cold, because you worked late.  Stupid boss, crazy family, yucky dinner - life just sucks! 
It's really easy, so easy, to think like that.  It's the normal reaction.  Don't beat yourself up for thinking like that - everyone does.

But everyone is wrong.

You ALWAYS have a choice.  There are so many more opportunities to choose than we think.
In the bad day scenario above, let's work backward and list all the choices along the way:

1. You don't have to retell that story.  When we retell a story, a part of us experiences it over again.  Each new person who hears that sad tale also experiences a bit of the suffering.  How many times do you want to have that bad day?  I think once should be enough.  Do you really want to share that with your loved ones?  It was bad enough the first time, there is no reason to multiply the pain.
2. It is your choice to be miserable.  Just because you have to work late, does not mean you have to be grumpy about it.  It is not required to respond to anger with anger.  You can always choose your reaction to any situation.  Bad news, angry people, less than ideal physical situations, maybe out of your control, but your reaction to them is not. Your mind is your own.  Stop, and choose a different way.  Don't give in to the negative all around you.  Focus on what is going well, how this is a means to a good end, the weekend plans you are looking forward to, whatever.  Just don't succumb to the misery.
3. You decided to work there.  You could have said no to that job offer.  You could have quit as soon as it became less than ideal.  You could have stayed home in bed this morning and avoid it all.  Of course there are consequences to any of these choices, but they are available to you.  Even if it is a family business, and you feel like you have no choice in the matter, you do.  If you quit, your family might be angry, or disappointed, but you could quit. Life would go on.  They would find a way to survive without you. There is ALWAYS an alternative.  If you look at all the options and decide that where you are is the best, then be grateful for it, realize it is your choice, and be happy with it. If it's not, then move on!
4. You selected your own spouse.  Your marriage was not arranged.  In fact, you didn't even have to get married if you didn't want to. Those out of control kids, yep, you chose them too.  You might have felt pressured into those decisions, and went down the road of least resistance, but you did choose.  No one put a gun to your head and said, "Marry this person and have 6 kids. NOW!"  That was you, you decided to bring these people into your life.  If it's really bad, why are you still there?  If you made a mistake, undo it.  I'm not suggesting it is easy, or simple, or even ideal, to break up a marriage or a family.  But, if it is really as bad as all that, do something to change it.  If you can't change it, then get out.  You are not stuck.  You always have a choice.  The consequences of those choices might not be pretty, but are they better than what you are complaining about now?  In any case, stop blaming your spouse for your unhappiness.  You chose them, just as much as they chose you.  Take responsibility for your own happiness. 
5. You made ALL the choices that led you to this point.  Once upon a time you decided to do your homework or not, to go to college, or not.  You chose your major.  You selected your friends, your first job, your hobbies, the books you read, or didn't read.  You took all the baby steps that lead you to this point.  Unless you live in a communist country, your future was of your own choosing.   No one assigned you a career path, you picked it, even if you picked it by default.  No one assigned you a circle of friends.  You picked them yourself.  No one dropped you in to a family, you created it.  You might not have given these matters the careful attention you should have, but in the words of the band, Rush, "When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." Choices, your life is made up of YOUR choices.

Each and every day is brimming full of choices that mostly go unnoticed.  Many times we react to life by following patterns of behavior that were established long ago.  Some of them even generations ago.  What worked then may not serve you now.  Becoming more aware of the daily choices that are before you opens the door to meaningful change.  Taking personal responsibility for these choices releases frustration, and brings peace.

Our One-Legged Friend is Back

Our one-legged bird friend is back!  Last winter there was this one-legged kolea bird hoping around our front yard nearly every day. Kolea spend their summers in Alaska and their winters in Hawaii.  They have been gone for a few months.  I have spotted several of them in the park recently, and I wondered if our friend would be back.  Yesterday, our one-legged friend was there to great me in the front yard.  I'm so impressed he made it all the way to Alaska and back!

I Just Don't Want To

I feel obligated to post an update on  the last two weeks, and what life is like sans kids.  Well, I just don't want to, so I'm not going to.  Instead, please enjoy this fine musical selection.

The Eye of the Storm

Yesterday I was on vacation with my family.  Tomorrow I will be taking both of my kids to college.  Today, by all accounts is a normal Sunday.  I woke up early, went to church.  I came home, ate the first thing I saw in the refrigerator, and promptly took a nap.  I woke up disoriented, not sure if it was Monday morning, or if I had over slept for church.  Now, I'm hungry for dinner and wishing that the kitchen fairy would show up and make me something fabulous.

It feels like I am sitting here in the eye of the storm, the calm moment sandwiched in between two big events.   The past two days were a whirlwind of fun and excitement.  We explored the island of Kauai with great enthusiasm, hardly coming up for air.  It was pretty much non-stop action.  We saw beautiful sites, played in the pool, and swam in the ocean.  We ate fabulous food, and had a great time.

This was the first family trip we have taken in a long time.  The last time we left the island together was 6 years ago, for my mother's wedding.   A trip, just for fun, was long over due.  It's easy to live in the moment during a trip.  I guess that's the point of going on vacation, to leave your cares behind and enjoy just what you are doing right then and there.  No wonder the family vacation is such a part of our culture.  We should have tried it sooner :).

 I had no idea, but there is this amazing, Grand Canyon like site on Kauai.  It is Waimea Canyon, on the west side.  The drive up there was long, and winding, and did I mention long? and winding?  After hearing protests from the back seat of motion sickness, and my own rising sense of panic and queasiness, I cried, "uncle", about 2 minutes before we reached the top.  Thankfully the driver didn't listen to me!  That was a good lesson for me about not giving up too soon, etc, etc.  Anyway ... see for yourself, the view was breathtaking!! 

It's kind of hard to believe that all of these photos were taken on one island, only 33 miles wide and 25 miles long.  It was cold and wet at the top of the Canyon, warm and sunny at the beach.  When the river boat stopped at the Fern Grotto, it was down right hot.

... and today is, well, just plain old, normal.  Which is good.  Normal can be a very good thing.

Tomorrow both of my kids are packing up, and heading off to college.  Not unlike the vacation, it will be a day full of excitement and activity.  There will also be a couple of long drives, and maybe even a stop at the beach :).

And after tomorrow ...  normal will be reset.

Diving into Life

Life is like the ocean.  Sometimes it is calm and peaceful, and sometimes it is a raging storm.  Even during the peaceful times, there are waves and currents.  The tides roll in, the tides roll out, day after day, without fail.  The ocean is always teaming with life and activity.  It is never still.  It is always changing.  Life is exactly like this.

 If you attempt to sit still in the ocean, you are carried one way or another by waves and currents.  It takes some action on your part to direct your path, or to even stay in one place.  You have to swim, tread water, kick, paddle, drop an anchor, do something, or you are going to be moved.  If you pause, for even a moment, the current can move you great distances. The ocean is a powerful force, even when peaceful. 

Have you ever stood at the beach and let the waves rush over you?  Not ready to jump right in to all the chaos, you timidly walk down to where water meets sand and inch your way in. As you stand there enjoying the cool flood over your hot feet, WHAM!  a huge wave comes and knocks you on your butt.  As you try to stand, the sand under you rushes away, pulled back into the water with the receding wave, you lose your footing, and down you go again.  As you struggle, another wave comes along, and you are rolled.  That second wave doesn't need to be very big to knock you over, since you haven't fully recovered from the first one.  You are only sort of standing, and very unsteady.  As wave after wave continues to hit, you tumble, and roll, struggle, and gasp.  Eventually, you back up, and retreat to higher ground, or dive on in and try to get all the sand out of your pants.

Inching towards a big change in life can be frightening.  We approach with caution, and inch our way in.  Standing there, hesitating, we can get hit with a big wave, a devastating set back, like a major illness, job loss, death of a loved one, etc.  Then when we are down, and still struggling to stand, even the smallest waves can knock us back down, and keep us down, tumbling us over and over, as we struggle to breathe and stand.  Sometimes it seems like those waves keep on coming, and that we are going to drown, that the ocean will win, and drag us out to sea.  We might even need a friend to rescue us and pull us one way or another, out of the line of fire.

The best way to go for a swim in the ocean, is to run and dive right on in.  Dive over the wave, into the wave, or under it.  When you are swimming, you cannot be knocked down.  The wave loses its power when you stop resisting, and go with the flow.  What is a powerful force at the shore, capable of knocking you flat, is a gentle rocking motion when you are bobbing along in the middle of it.  If you are swimming under the surface, it feels like nothing at all.  While standing, or treading water, if a large wave approaches, and you aren't paying attention, you can still get walloped good.  A face full of salt water that leaves you sputtering, but still upright.  If you see it coming, all it takes is a little hop just at the right moment, and you float along, with your head safely above the surface. Resisting is what causes all the trouble.

In life, it's just the same.  It's the resistance to life's changes,and challenges that bring all the destruction and pain.  When we fight against the inevitable, when we hesitate to take the next step, that's when life really knocks us down.  We have to pay attention, see what is coming our way, and then jump on board, and ride the wave.  When we resist, we go under, we sputter, and gasp.  Life is never going to be like a reflection pool - still and perfectly clear.  It keeps moving, and changing.  Every day we have new things come our way.  Life changes.  If we don't figure out how to adapt and change with it, we suffer, and life is harder than it needs to be.

Learning to anticipate the waves, and jump into them, rather than resist, helps smooth out the ride.  If you see a future challenge coming, do what you can to prepare for it, and when it hits - jump up to great it, rather then try to out run it, you will float along with only a minor disruption.  You can't out run, or out swim, the waves of change that life brings.  Babies grow up, kids get married, people get sick, we have to move, jobs are lost, cars break down, we grow old, and everyone of us will eventually die.  You can't avoid these normal life events.  You can prepare, you can be watchful, and you can embrace each new wave as it comes your way.  You can jump in and live life, rather than stand on the shore and let the waves beat you down.  You must keep moving, if you wish to have any peace.  There is no such thing as standing still.

Taking My Own Advice

Blogger has made some pretty drastic changes since I last updated the look of my blog. Who knew that the day I decide to mess around with new templates and backgrounds would be the day that Blogger also introduced a totally new look to the user interface? So, I am finally updating the look of my blog and the editor I am using looks TOTALLY DIFFERENT than I am used to!!! It's a bit like riding a new bike, with a new pair of legs. Not as easy as I had imagined!!

 Anyway, I have been a big proponent of "white space" for years. Every client I work with on websites, or marketing materials, has heard my "white space" speech. It was even my personal theme for the entire year of 2010. Websites, and other media, can get too cluttered. Just because you can put in a custom background color AND photo AND texture, doesn't mean you should. There may be a hundred cool gadgets available, but that doesn't mean your page NEEDS them all. It's the whole "less is more" kind of idea. If you clutter up a page the reader doesn't know what they are supposed to pay attention to. If everything is bold, then in reality, nothing is bold. You know those friends that post everything on Facebook in all caps? After a while you just turn down the "shouting" and read it in your normal voice. White space is what you need to surround your important stuff, so it stands out. It's like the matting in a frame around a photo.

My blog was pretty much devoid of white space. It still needs more, but I'm working on it. Dealing with this new user interface is slowing me down just a bit, or a lot. I can't figure out how to get more than one post to show on the home page. The settings all say that it should show up to 5, but, alas, you are only seeing one .... I've about had it for the night. The rest is work for another day. Maybe by morning, Blogger will have fixed the glitch.

Circling the Base of the Mountain

I went to a church meeting this week, and something one of the speakers said really struck a chord with me.   He said that he lives near this mountain, that is rather steep, and has hiked it a few times.  Each time, before the hike, he has walked the path at the base of the mountain, which is a nice, easy path, contemplating how hard the hike is going to be.  He thinks about how unprepared he is, how old, out of shape, etc he is, as he circles the base of this mountain.

I have been circling the base of the mountain for a long time now.  I keep walking the familiar path, musing about how hard it would be to get to where I want to be.  I am unprepared, too old, too out of shape, to make that climb., so I continue to circle.  I circle and circle, looking up, and thinking how I'll never get there.  Thinking how amazing it must be up there, but not sure if I'm up to the climb.

This path at the base of the mountain is an easy one.  If it weren't for that looming mountain in the middle constantly reminding me that it's there to climb, I'd be quite content to circle forever.  Or would I?
It gets pretty boring, playing it small and safe, walking the flat, circular path of familiarity.  There are no surprises, no victories, no discoveries, no amazing views, just the same old thing, over and over again.  No risk, and no reward.

The only way to climb a mountain is to put one foot on the path pointing up, and let the other follow.  One step at a time, in the right direction.  The pace is not important, only the direction and that you keep moving.  If I'm not prepared, I need to get prepared.  If I'm not fit to climb, I better get fit.  All this circling and musing is wasting too much time.  If I think I am too old now, I'll only be that much older if I keep putting things off.

So, ok, I'm tired of circling.  It's getting boring down here looking at all the tree trunks.  I think it is time to start that climb and see the view from the clouds.