Life has been a little too exciting for me lately. A week ago Friday we had a horrific storm in the early morning hours. The wind was crazy - ripped up large trees by the roof, and knocked down countless power poles with their attached power lines. Our power went out about 3am and was back on about 7am. We were the fortunate ones. Most of Ewa Beach was out of power for the weekend. At 3:30pm Friday our local electric workers union employees went on strike, and walked off the job, leaving hundreds of families without power.
It is a miracle that no one was injured or killed when all those poles and live power lines when down. The big hot mess was strewn all across the road. Private companies came to the rescue and by Sunday evening all of the power was restored. They have been cleaning up the mess and installing new poles all week. Traffic down Ft. Weaver has been atrocious all week.
Thursday evening, while at a dinner party at church, the tragic earthquake hit Japan. Hawaii immediately went under a tsunami watch. All the adults were talking about the pending natural disaster, discussing ways to be prepared, like filling our gas tanks on the way home, etc. It seems like with any natural disaster here in Hawaii, the first thing to go is the power, and all gas pumps are powered by electricity. Thankfully I had just filled up that afternoon, at a whopping $3.89/gallon - $50 - the most it has ever cost me to fill the tank in my little car. My friend's daughter, in all her 5 year old wisdom, was most distressed. As her mother tried to soothe her, she exclaimed, "but the SALAMI is coming!" Oh, if only it were a giant salami - salami makes a great sandwich.
Around 10pm the warning sirens began to blow to warn those in the flood zone to evacuate. The one closest to us was knocked down and rendered mute by the storm the week previous. Mother nature has brought her wrath upon us in too quick of a succession for a full recovery. Those sirens sound exactly like the tornado sirens from my youth. From elementary school, I have a vague idea of what to do when a tornado siren blows. For tsunami safety you just need to get to the top of the hill, and wait ...
Thankfully the waves came and went with no damage to Oahu. The worst I was inconvenienced was the lack of cell phone service Friday night, and several hours of much needed sleep. Many families in the low lying areas evacuated to higher ground and spent the night much less comfortable than I. The roads were blocked, and they were kept from their homes until we heard the "all clear" around 9am or so.
This morning I saw our little one legged bird friend out front this morning. Amazingly, and thankfully, we are all safe and sound.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Our One-Legged Kolea Friend
A few months ago I noticed a one-legged bird hoping around the front yard. He doesn't seem hindered in anyway by the missing limb. I was curious, so I did a little research to find out what kind of bird he is,etc. He is a Kolea, or Golden Plover.
I snapped some pics of him the other day. He's pretty tame, and I managed to get kind of close before he flew across the street and landed on Mary's roof.
I see him in the yard most days. I guess we are his winter home. Apparently they breed in Alaska during the summer and migrate to Hawaii for the winter. It seems like a good plan, but man, what a flight! and all with only one leg - I'm impressed!
Wikipedia Link - Pacific Golden Plover
I snapped some pics of him the other day. He's pretty tame, and I managed to get kind of close before he flew across the street and landed on Mary's roof.
I see him in the yard most days. I guess we are his winter home. Apparently they breed in Alaska during the summer and migrate to Hawaii for the winter. It seems like a good plan, but man, what a flight! and all with only one leg - I'm impressed!
Wikipedia Link - Pacific Golden Plover
Thursday, March 3, 2011
My house is silent, and that is strange. Ryker's in China, Quincie and Carl are at church, and the dogs are asleep. The only sounds are my fingers on the keyboard, and the faint rustle of wind and rain outside. No music, no TV, no conversation, no dishwasher, no washing machine, no anything to disturb my peace.
The really strange thing is that I'm not asleep. Normally if I get this quiet and still, I'm out in seconds flat. Not tonight, here I sitting, musing in the silence.
It seems like life goes in cycles, or waves, and things never stay the same for very long. This can be good or bad, depending on your perspective, but it is an unavoidable fact. Everything is always in a state of change. Sometimes life moves like a roller coaster - changing so fast that we can hardly keep up with it. Our body is racing forward and our heart and stomach lag behind, leaving panic and terror in the gap. When life is like this, each new challenge comes at us faster than we can process, and we lurch and retch as we struggle to keep up.
Right now it feels more like hiking an unknown trail. I am setting the pace, but I have no idea what is around the next corner, or up the next hill, or even if there will be a corner or a hill. I'm not lurching or flying along in panic, but rather straining forward, to see what is waiting for me. The lack of a map is frustrating, and the fleeting glimpses I occasionally catch of the path ahead are not enough to satisfy my curiosity. I can see the mountain top, the ultimate goal, but the path is obscured, and at times that is maddening. I long to meet someone coming back down the path that can tell me all about it, or find someone that has been up there before that wants to go again, and lead me. But, no, I mostly get to climb the mountain alone. My fellow travelers are few, and just as uninformed.
The challenge is to have patience, and enjoy the journey. There is joy in every step, and too much focus on what is to come, limits the ability to see what is here now.
The really strange thing is that I'm not asleep. Normally if I get this quiet and still, I'm out in seconds flat. Not tonight, here I sitting, musing in the silence.
It seems like life goes in cycles, or waves, and things never stay the same for very long. This can be good or bad, depending on your perspective, but it is an unavoidable fact. Everything is always in a state of change. Sometimes life moves like a roller coaster - changing so fast that we can hardly keep up with it. Our body is racing forward and our heart and stomach lag behind, leaving panic and terror in the gap. When life is like this, each new challenge comes at us faster than we can process, and we lurch and retch as we struggle to keep up.
Right now it feels more like hiking an unknown trail. I am setting the pace, but I have no idea what is around the next corner, or up the next hill, or even if there will be a corner or a hill. I'm not lurching or flying along in panic, but rather straining forward, to see what is waiting for me. The lack of a map is frustrating, and the fleeting glimpses I occasionally catch of the path ahead are not enough to satisfy my curiosity. I can see the mountain top, the ultimate goal, but the path is obscured, and at times that is maddening. I long to meet someone coming back down the path that can tell me all about it, or find someone that has been up there before that wants to go again, and lead me. But, no, I mostly get to climb the mountain alone. My fellow travelers are few, and just as uninformed.
Ryker ate a Chicken Foot
Ryker is in China. He is 19, although in China he is 20, since they start you out at one when you are born. He left about 10 days ago for WuHu in the An Hui province. It is a city of about 2.5 million people, all but 30 of which are Chinese. He is there as an intern teaching English for the next 4 months. There are 7 interns, and he is the only American. The others are from Europe, mostly the UK. He lives in an apartment with 2 other guys, and has his own room and bathroom. He teaches English to kids from 9-17 at a school, and receives Mandarin instructions from a private tutor.
It costs 2 bucks a minute to talk via his iphone, and a dollar a mega bit for data. He used up his 50 texts/month while traveling, and Facebook is blocked in China, soooo .... Skype is how he communicates with those of us here at home. There is a crazy time difference of 18 hours between Hawaii and China. While I write this at 8pm Thursday, he is already experiencing Friday afternoon.
I am waiting for him to email me photos. He only has internet access when he plugs his comp into a data cable in his apartment. The technology disconnect would give me a panic attack.
Here are some of the highlights -
Food is super cheap. He can eat out and have a huge plate of food and a drink for about .50. At one of these meals he ate a chicken foot. I admire his adventurous nature, especially with food. I don't think I could stick a chicken foot in my mouth, let alone chew and swallow it. Shopping and cooking for yourself is even cheaper. He went to WalMart the other day - yes, they have WalMart in China, weird I know - I wonder if all the stuff they sell in China, is made in China, like it is here? Anyway, China in WuHu is in a 7 story high rise, no escalators, just moving ramps, which according to Ryker are skkkeeeeeetchy. The meat department was a couple of guys with saws cutting up cows and pigs - ewww! But, hey, at least you can see where your meat is coming from, and maybe that's better than a massive plant infected with ecoli. If I keep thinking about gross meat I'll never eat meat again. He bought some duck eggs, which he said were delicious.
Crossing the street is dangerous, trucks and buses especially disregard pedestrians, and a taxi ride is cheap. Tons of people are on bikes, rik shaws, and mopeds. Traffic on Oahu can be bad, but is apparently nothing compared to WuHu.
It is late winter there, and has been in the 40's and rainy. He's cold. He took what warm clothes had, which wasn't much, and wishes he had more. WalMart there doesn't carry his size - in anything, so, he'll just have to make due until Spring.
Being one of 30 foreigners in a city of 2.5 million, he gets stared at a lot, especially by children. I wonder what they think when they see him? Last week he went to a kindergarten and taught English a few times. I wonder if when they went home and told their parents that a giant with big curly hair told him how to say "frog" and "duck" they thought they were making it up?
He says the people he works with are super nice, and that he is enjoying the work. I think it's awesome that he has this opportunity to go see one of the far flung places of this world. Ever since he was a small boy he has decorated his walls with maps of the world and made a study of them. Now those maps are going to start getting pins in them, to mark the places he has been.
It costs 2 bucks a minute to talk via his iphone, and a dollar a mega bit for data. He used up his 50 texts/month while traveling, and Facebook is blocked in China, soooo .... Skype is how he communicates with those of us here at home. There is a crazy time difference of 18 hours between Hawaii and China. While I write this at 8pm Thursday, he is already experiencing Friday afternoon.
I am waiting for him to email me photos. He only has internet access when he plugs his comp into a data cable in his apartment. The technology disconnect would give me a panic attack.
Here are some of the highlights -
Food is super cheap. He can eat out and have a huge plate of food and a drink for about .50. At one of these meals he ate a chicken foot. I admire his adventurous nature, especially with food. I don't think I could stick a chicken foot in my mouth, let alone chew and swallow it. Shopping and cooking for yourself is even cheaper. He went to WalMart the other day - yes, they have WalMart in China, weird I know - I wonder if all the stuff they sell in China, is made in China, like it is here? Anyway, China in WuHu is in a 7 story high rise, no escalators, just moving ramps, which according to Ryker are skkkeeeeeetchy. The meat department was a couple of guys with saws cutting up cows and pigs - ewww! But, hey, at least you can see where your meat is coming from, and maybe that's better than a massive plant infected with ecoli. If I keep thinking about gross meat I'll never eat meat again. He bought some duck eggs, which he said were delicious.
Crossing the street is dangerous, trucks and buses especially disregard pedestrians, and a taxi ride is cheap. Tons of people are on bikes, rik shaws, and mopeds. Traffic on Oahu can be bad, but is apparently nothing compared to WuHu.
It is late winter there, and has been in the 40's and rainy. He's cold. He took what warm clothes had, which wasn't much, and wishes he had more. WalMart there doesn't carry his size - in anything, so, he'll just have to make due until Spring.
Being one of 30 foreigners in a city of 2.5 million, he gets stared at a lot, especially by children. I wonder what they think when they see him? Last week he went to a kindergarten and taught English a few times. I wonder if when they went home and told their parents that a giant with big curly hair told him how to say "frog" and "duck" they thought they were making it up?
He says the people he works with are super nice, and that he is enjoying the work. I think it's awesome that he has this opportunity to go see one of the far flung places of this world. Ever since he was a small boy he has decorated his walls with maps of the world and made a study of them. Now those maps are going to start getting pins in them, to mark the places he has been.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Yoga
For years I have been curious about yoga, and admittedly, a little afraid of it. From the casual observer's point of view it looks so serious, strenuous, and a little bit sadistic. I tried a yoga video once in a group setting. I just laid there and giggled. I just couldn't take the on screen instructor, a tiny little guy with a super long, thin, braid of hair down the middle of his back, seriously. The poses seemed silly, and embarrassing. I had a nice time that night - giggling is fun, but it didn't do much to boost my desire to become a yoga devotee.
Over the last few years I have enthusiastically studied the concept of energy medicine. I have read dozens of books, and taken days of classroom instruction. Every modality, every author, every method, without fail, has an element of mediation. They require a quieting of the mind, usually by controlling or focusing on the breath.
For reasons too complex, and personal, that has been extremely hard for me. Especially the breathing part. When I would try to focus, and pay attention to my breath I would nearly pass out from either holding my breath or hyperventilating. What a freak! I can't breath right?? For a while I was trying to run, or jog, or whatever, on a regular basis. My legs could go and go, but it was the breathing that messed me up. I would go for about half a block and then realize I was holding my breath and then frantically, like a drowning man, gasp for air. I read books, articles, and talked with avid runners. I tried all the different suggestions, with limited success. Eventually I just gave up on the running thing. I listen to audio books while I walk my dogs. I don't think about my breathing, and it works out ok.
When I would come to the meditation exercises in the books I read, I might try it, or I might just skip that chapter. Usually I would read it, but not actually do it. If it wasn't the breathing, or lack there of, that frustrated me it was the constant noise in my brain. As soon as I think the words, "quiet your mind", my mind starts racing with all the crazy thoughts imaginable. At moments like that I think I understand what it feels like to be a 5th grader with ADHD trying to take a math test. So, again, I would read through the chapter, try and fail at the exercises, and move on. Give me something to DO towards reaching a goal, or learning a skill please! How about something to memorize? I can handle that. But just sit there, consciously breathing, in and out, through my nose in a steady pattern thinking, "My Mind Is Quiet"? Nope - not gonna work. At least not for longer than about 15 seconds at a shot.
So, a few weeks ago Quincie and I decided to join the YMCA. It is close to our house, and extremely affordable. She wanted to get ready for track season, and I wanted to find a way to move my body in more interesting ways than just walking the dogs. They have a great weight room with all the machines, an excellent outdoor pool, and group exercise classes - all included in the low, monthly fee. So, we took a tour one Saturday, and signed up.
My first week I took a Tai Chi class. I have a Tai Chi video that I have done and really liked it, but doing the same routine got boring for me, and I felt silly doing all those "magic karate" moves by myself in the middle of my living room. Ok, so I go to this Tai Chi class on a Thursday morning at the Y. I am given a name tag to wear, and introduce myself to the instructor. As I am standing there, rotating my ankles, I begin to feel the strangest sensation. I feel so TALL, so long and lean, and YOUNG! At 5 foot 4 inches, I am decidedly average in height, and 42 is only young if you are a sea turtle or a giant redwood. So, what was the deal? I was surrounded on all sides, by tiny, elderly, Asian women, most of them with hunched backs, and bowed knees. Turns out that the full title of the class was Tai Chi for Arthritis - co sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation. In that group I was TALL, and lean, and Young! Besides that odd little ego boast, I really enjoyed the class. The most amazing thing happened only a few minutes in - my mind was quiet! I was actually focusing on my breathing, and I was still breathing, and my mind went quiet. It was amazing and wonderful. I have never felt peace on such a deep, and whole body level before.
I thought if Tai Chi, even Tai Chi for Arthritis, can be that good, maybe yoga deserves a chance. I absolutely LOVE yoga!! I haven't sweat so much, or pushed my body like that in decades. It makes me feel like I did when I was taking several dance classes a day back in high school. It's hard, but I can do it. Well, most of it anyway. Some of my muscles are super flexible, and others are not so much. Just like in tai chi, my mind actually goes quiet in yoga. I can find my breath, and just be there, in the moment. Moving my body in challenging ways helps my mind to calm down. It's quite interesting to me. I am sure I should have learned this a long time ago from all the books I've read, and classes I have taken, but I didn't. Who would have thought that learning to breath, and quiet my mind would be one of the most challenging lessons of my life?
The yoga instructor is great. She never does the same routine, each class is unique. It is not boring, and it is not embarrassing. Today she had us doing a lot of moves to open up our heart. I was a few minutes late, so I missed that explanation. All I know is that I was having a hard time with would should be very simple moves. It was like my neck couldn't hold up the weight of my enormous head. I felt like my neck was going to snap and my bowling ball head would just roll down my back and across the floor. Towards the end of class I took a minute to stop and focus and say to myself, "Whatever this is that I can't hold up on my own, please, just take it. Take all my anger, all my fear, all my negative thoughts of any kind. Take them and leave my mind and my heart quiet." In that moment I felt a huge weight lifted, and tears sprang to me eyes. Tears of joy and gratitude. My mind was quiet and my heart was full of joy and gratitude as class ended.
Over the last few years I have enthusiastically studied the concept of energy medicine. I have read dozens of books, and taken days of classroom instruction. Every modality, every author, every method, without fail, has an element of mediation. They require a quieting of the mind, usually by controlling or focusing on the breath.
For reasons too complex, and personal, that has been extremely hard for me. Especially the breathing part. When I would try to focus, and pay attention to my breath I would nearly pass out from either holding my breath or hyperventilating. What a freak! I can't breath right?? For a while I was trying to run, or jog, or whatever, on a regular basis. My legs could go and go, but it was the breathing that messed me up. I would go for about half a block and then realize I was holding my breath and then frantically, like a drowning man, gasp for air. I read books, articles, and talked with avid runners. I tried all the different suggestions, with limited success. Eventually I just gave up on the running thing. I listen to audio books while I walk my dogs. I don't think about my breathing, and it works out ok.
When I would come to the meditation exercises in the books I read, I might try it, or I might just skip that chapter. Usually I would read it, but not actually do it. If it wasn't the breathing, or lack there of, that frustrated me it was the constant noise in my brain. As soon as I think the words, "quiet your mind", my mind starts racing with all the crazy thoughts imaginable. At moments like that I think I understand what it feels like to be a 5th grader with ADHD trying to take a math test. So, again, I would read through the chapter, try and fail at the exercises, and move on. Give me something to DO towards reaching a goal, or learning a skill please! How about something to memorize? I can handle that. But just sit there, consciously breathing, in and out, through my nose in a steady pattern thinking, "My Mind Is Quiet"? Nope - not gonna work. At least not for longer than about 15 seconds at a shot.
So, a few weeks ago Quincie and I decided to join the YMCA. It is close to our house, and extremely affordable. She wanted to get ready for track season, and I wanted to find a way to move my body in more interesting ways than just walking the dogs. They have a great weight room with all the machines, an excellent outdoor pool, and group exercise classes - all included in the low, monthly fee. So, we took a tour one Saturday, and signed up.
My first week I took a Tai Chi class. I have a Tai Chi video that I have done and really liked it, but doing the same routine got boring for me, and I felt silly doing all those "magic karate" moves by myself in the middle of my living room. Ok, so I go to this Tai Chi class on a Thursday morning at the Y. I am given a name tag to wear, and introduce myself to the instructor. As I am standing there, rotating my ankles, I begin to feel the strangest sensation. I feel so TALL, so long and lean, and YOUNG! At 5 foot 4 inches, I am decidedly average in height, and 42 is only young if you are a sea turtle or a giant redwood. So, what was the deal? I was surrounded on all sides, by tiny, elderly, Asian women, most of them with hunched backs, and bowed knees. Turns out that the full title of the class was Tai Chi for Arthritis - co sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation. In that group I was TALL, and lean, and Young! Besides that odd little ego boast, I really enjoyed the class. The most amazing thing happened only a few minutes in - my mind was quiet! I was actually focusing on my breathing, and I was still breathing, and my mind went quiet. It was amazing and wonderful. I have never felt peace on such a deep, and whole body level before.
I thought if Tai Chi, even Tai Chi for Arthritis, can be that good, maybe yoga deserves a chance. I absolutely LOVE yoga!! I haven't sweat so much, or pushed my body like that in decades. It makes me feel like I did when I was taking several dance classes a day back in high school. It's hard, but I can do it. Well, most of it anyway. Some of my muscles are super flexible, and others are not so much. Just like in tai chi, my mind actually goes quiet in yoga. I can find my breath, and just be there, in the moment. Moving my body in challenging ways helps my mind to calm down. It's quite interesting to me. I am sure I should have learned this a long time ago from all the books I've read, and classes I have taken, but I didn't. Who would have thought that learning to breath, and quiet my mind would be one of the most challenging lessons of my life?
The yoga instructor is great. She never does the same routine, each class is unique. It is not boring, and it is not embarrassing. Today she had us doing a lot of moves to open up our heart. I was a few minutes late, so I missed that explanation. All I know is that I was having a hard time with would should be very simple moves. It was like my neck couldn't hold up the weight of my enormous head. I felt like my neck was going to snap and my bowling ball head would just roll down my back and across the floor. Towards the end of class I took a minute to stop and focus and say to myself, "Whatever this is that I can't hold up on my own, please, just take it. Take all my anger, all my fear, all my negative thoughts of any kind. Take them and leave my mind and my heart quiet." In that moment I felt a huge weight lifted, and tears sprang to me eyes. Tears of joy and gratitude. My mind was quiet and my heart was full of joy and gratitude as class ended.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The Best is Yet to Come
As the song goes, "time keeps on slippin' into the future". 2010 has come and gone, another Christmas, another New Year's Eve, another January 1st have all slipped quietly into the past. What was once anticipated, is now a memory. My theme for 2010 was "white space". I wanted to find more white space on the pages of my life, less clutter, both physically and mentally. For me 2010 was a year of cleaning out the old and leaving the empty space. It was a challenge not to immediately fill each empty spot I created with some new thing. No way am I perfect at this yet, and the project continues.
Just a few days ago I finally gave up my 10 pound wallet and replaced it with a chic new slim model. I had to throw away, or put away, 3/4 of what I had been carrying around with me everywhere. My wallet is a good metaphor of my life. I was carrying around all sorts of unnecessary things. Each of them were small, the heaviest thing in there was a quarter, but together they added up to a significant burden. Each small burden I was unwilling to let go caused me daily pain and aggravation. My wallet was so large that when I placed it in the stylish new purse Quincie gave me for Christmas there wasn't much room for anything else. That's how it is with all of our emotional baggage we carry around. When we try to fit into a stylish new life, there isn't much room for anything else we need if we bring all our old junk with us.
Switching to that new, shiny pink wallet was a process. First I took everything out of my old, stretched out, beat up black leather wallet. As I emptied the contents of each pocket I immediately sorted it for obvious trash. I am all for saving receipts, but when the ink has faded and all you have is a plain white piece of paper, what is the point?? With all the pockets empty and the trash removed, I began to sort.
The obvious first pile was for money. That's the main point of a wallet, right?? Then came the debit and credit cards, tossing the expired ones into the trash pile, both business and personal. The other piles were business cards, receipts, store loyalty cards, membership cards, photos, notes from loved ones, notes to self, punch cards for free sodas, free shave ice, free bread, stamps, checkbooks, and finally, loose change.
There was no way all that stuff was going to fit in my new wallet. Each pile had to be sorted for the less obvious trash, things to keep, but not in my wallet, leaving just the essentials to carry around everyday. I ditched all the pennies. They take up too much space and weigh too much for what they are worth. I should probably do the same with the nickels, but I'm just not there yet. I got rid of the store cards that I rarely visit. If I'm not a frequent shopper, why do I need a loyalty card? I threw away all the expired coupons, then I thought better of it, and threw them all out. They would all be expired before I looked at them again. I copied the info from the notes to self into my iphone and threw them away. The piles were shrinking!
If I examine my life like I did the contents of my wallet, I think in 2010 I managed to clear out the obvious trash, and started making piles. I am still walking around with a lot of stuff I don't need on a daily basis.
It's hard to let go of those things that have been with me for a long time. My fears, my doubts, my favorite mistakes that I make over and over again. I own them, they are mine. They are each small and simple things, but together they weigh me down and keep me from moving forward. Each little fear added with all the others becomes a huge wall of fear that blocks my path. Each tiny drop of doubt combined with all it's friends becomes a huge storm cloud raining on my parade. Each small step backward is only one step, but combined with all the others has me miles behind in no time.
Each small thing I stuck in my wallet added to the outrageous weight of the whole. By placing trash, and unimportant things in there I gave them the same importance as my money, or my driver's license. I gave value and place to things I should not, and in the process diminished the value of the items deserving it. In life we do the same thing. By holding our false beliefs as near and dear to our hearts as the truth we elevate the one and debase the other. Fear and love can not occupied the same place. The fear always taints the love. The fear has to go. Faith and doubt do not coexist. The doubt always smothers the faith. The doubt must go.
I love my new wallet. My purse feels so light on my arm, like its' practically empty. I am sure my chiropractor will notice the difference in my back and neck on my next visit. It's easy and quick to find what I need. I'm not embarrassed to open that wallet in public. There is no danger of it's contents spilling on the floor as I search for my Costco card. It feels great to travel light!
I am optimistic about 2011. I am still working on specific goals, but my theme is, "The Best is Yet to Come". There is much to look forward to. Ryker leaves for China next month for an internship teaching English. In May Quincie graduates from high school and by July both kids will be legal adults. The nest just might be empty come Fall, and that leaves a lot of white space. I'm not sure exactly what I will do, but I am certain that the best is yet to come!
Just a few days ago I finally gave up my 10 pound wallet and replaced it with a chic new slim model. I had to throw away, or put away, 3/4 of what I had been carrying around with me everywhere. My wallet is a good metaphor of my life. I was carrying around all sorts of unnecessary things. Each of them were small, the heaviest thing in there was a quarter, but together they added up to a significant burden. Each small burden I was unwilling to let go caused me daily pain and aggravation. My wallet was so large that when I placed it in the stylish new purse Quincie gave me for Christmas there wasn't much room for anything else. That's how it is with all of our emotional baggage we carry around. When we try to fit into a stylish new life, there isn't much room for anything else we need if we bring all our old junk with us.
Switching to that new, shiny pink wallet was a process. First I took everything out of my old, stretched out, beat up black leather wallet. As I emptied the contents of each pocket I immediately sorted it for obvious trash. I am all for saving receipts, but when the ink has faded and all you have is a plain white piece of paper, what is the point?? With all the pockets empty and the trash removed, I began to sort.
The obvious first pile was for money. That's the main point of a wallet, right?? Then came the debit and credit cards, tossing the expired ones into the trash pile, both business and personal. The other piles were business cards, receipts, store loyalty cards, membership cards, photos, notes from loved ones, notes to self, punch cards for free sodas, free shave ice, free bread, stamps, checkbooks, and finally, loose change.
There was no way all that stuff was going to fit in my new wallet. Each pile had to be sorted for the less obvious trash, things to keep, but not in my wallet, leaving just the essentials to carry around everyday. I ditched all the pennies. They take up too much space and weigh too much for what they are worth. I should probably do the same with the nickels, but I'm just not there yet. I got rid of the store cards that I rarely visit. If I'm not a frequent shopper, why do I need a loyalty card? I threw away all the expired coupons, then I thought better of it, and threw them all out. They would all be expired before I looked at them again. I copied the info from the notes to self into my iphone and threw them away. The piles were shrinking!
If I examine my life like I did the contents of my wallet, I think in 2010 I managed to clear out the obvious trash, and started making piles. I am still walking around with a lot of stuff I don't need on a daily basis.
It's hard to let go of those things that have been with me for a long time. My fears, my doubts, my favorite mistakes that I make over and over again. I own them, they are mine. They are each small and simple things, but together they weigh me down and keep me from moving forward. Each little fear added with all the others becomes a huge wall of fear that blocks my path. Each tiny drop of doubt combined with all it's friends becomes a huge storm cloud raining on my parade. Each small step backward is only one step, but combined with all the others has me miles behind in no time.
Each small thing I stuck in my wallet added to the outrageous weight of the whole. By placing trash, and unimportant things in there I gave them the same importance as my money, or my driver's license. I gave value and place to things I should not, and in the process diminished the value of the items deserving it. In life we do the same thing. By holding our false beliefs as near and dear to our hearts as the truth we elevate the one and debase the other. Fear and love can not occupied the same place. The fear always taints the love. The fear has to go. Faith and doubt do not coexist. The doubt always smothers the faith. The doubt must go.
I love my new wallet. My purse feels so light on my arm, like its' practically empty. I am sure my chiropractor will notice the difference in my back and neck on my next visit. It's easy and quick to find what I need. I'm not embarrassed to open that wallet in public. There is no danger of it's contents spilling on the floor as I search for my Costco card. It feels great to travel light!
I am optimistic about 2011. I am still working on specific goals, but my theme is, "The Best is Yet to Come". There is much to look forward to. Ryker leaves for China next month for an internship teaching English. In May Quincie graduates from high school and by July both kids will be legal adults. The nest just might be empty come Fall, and that leaves a lot of white space. I'm not sure exactly what I will do, but I am certain that the best is yet to come!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Additional Thoughts on Christmas
Last night's post might have come off a little harsh. I am in actuality feeling rather in the Christmas spirit. I've been listening to Christmas music, and singing along, in the car for a couple weeks. The choir was awesome in church last week and I was glad that we got to sing along to a couple of my favorites.
Our Relief Society Christmas party is tonight and I'm really looking forward to it. Quincie and I (Quincie's are prettier) made a TON of really awesome snowflakes for the table decorations. I think they look amazing!
I am not grumpy about Christmas. I just don't enjoy all the superficial hype. The attitude of scarcity that starts on Black Friday is the opposite of the true spirit of Christmas. The message of Christ is good news, it is love and hope for everyone, not just the first 5 in line. His love extends to all and so in our celebration of his birth we should extend our love to all. It's not about stuff - it's about love.
Our Relief Society Christmas party is tonight and I'm really looking forward to it. Quincie and I (Quincie's are prettier) made a TON of really awesome snowflakes for the table decorations. I think they look amazing!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Thoughts on Christmas
I'm feeling a little disgusted with the general atmosphere out there in the world right now. I just want to stay home, or go run away into the wilderness. I just don't understand all the hype about "stuff". I have been out of drinking water and milk for 3 days now. I don't want to go to the store. All the insanity about rushing to buy the latest, or hurry and buy this or that before they are sold out is making me crazy and wanting to be a hermit. I don't care if they are giving away the thing for FREE, there is no way you are getting me out of bed in the middle of the night to go stand in line to pick it up. There is nothing I want that bad.
I finally broke down and went to the grocery store tonight. I was half way into making dinner and realized I was out of tomato sauce. Stuffed peppers NEED tomato sauce, so off I went. While I was there I refilled my drinking water jug and bought some milk, and then I was out of there! Thankfully the real Christmas trees just sold out. That means that the parking lot can return to some sort of normal. It's not like there are tons of parking spaces available on a normal day. For the last 2 weeks a fourth of the parking lot has been taken up by the massive tent selling trees. Dead trees that smell wonderful, but are nonetheless dead.
Anyway, I'm irritated. Irritated that the stores are full of pushy, aggressive people competing with each other for parking spots, and then Christmas deals. I'm irritated that the stores are pushing people to buy things they just don't need, and won't want in a month. I'm irritated with the general selfishness and shallowness of the whole ball of wax.
I don't have any Christmas decorations up at home yet. It's not that I'm anti Christmas, we are just undecided about real vs. fake and I'm not dragging out the boxes until we know what the heck we are doing with that stuff. I don't want to be tripping over it for the next 3 weeks. That will only get me more irritated.
All this might make me sound like a Hum Bug, a regular old Scrooge, but I'm not, promise. I LOVE Christmas, but I DON'T love all this superficial crap. I'm not big on decorations period - either for my house or for myself, and Christmas is the only holiday that gets any decorating around here.. My walls have a few things on them, but mostly they are pretty bare. I like empty space. I like simplicity. I like things to look clean and uncluttered. I don't wear a lot of jewelry or make up. I'm just not into all the glitz. I kind of think trees look really great in the forest, not necessarily in my living room. And then there is the work factor to consider.
What comes up, must come down. If I'm not excited about the task of putting it up, can you imagine how I will feel about taking it down? With my current attitude what decorations do go up could be there till Easter. When I think of the cost of buying, and shipping presents, a real tree, the stand, and all the ju ju that goes with it, the cards, stamps, blah, blah, blah, I get a little grumpy. I'd rather take that cash and do something meaningful with it, or at least really fun - like a party! or a trip! or at the very least some really yummy food. The time savings, well, I can think of a MILLION other things I'd rather do than shop and decorate! Taking a nap is at the top of my list of better things to do.
I love parties, and I like presents. I will go to all the parties I am invited too and open any presents that come my way with a big smile on my face. I will sing, and I will dance (if I get the chance). But, I won't go fight the crowds and waste my time and money on useless endeavors that just become next month's trash..
I finally broke down and went to the grocery store tonight. I was half way into making dinner and realized I was out of tomato sauce. Stuffed peppers NEED tomato sauce, so off I went. While I was there I refilled my drinking water jug and bought some milk, and then I was out of there! Thankfully the real Christmas trees just sold out. That means that the parking lot can return to some sort of normal. It's not like there are tons of parking spaces available on a normal day. For the last 2 weeks a fourth of the parking lot has been taken up by the massive tent selling trees. Dead trees that smell wonderful, but are nonetheless dead.
Anyway, I'm irritated. Irritated that the stores are full of pushy, aggressive people competing with each other for parking spots, and then Christmas deals. I'm irritated that the stores are pushing people to buy things they just don't need, and won't want in a month. I'm irritated with the general selfishness and shallowness of the whole ball of wax.
I don't have any Christmas decorations up at home yet. It's not that I'm anti Christmas, we are just undecided about real vs. fake and I'm not dragging out the boxes until we know what the heck we are doing with that stuff. I don't want to be tripping over it for the next 3 weeks. That will only get me more irritated.
All this might make me sound like a Hum Bug, a regular old Scrooge, but I'm not, promise. I LOVE Christmas, but I DON'T love all this superficial crap. I'm not big on decorations period - either for my house or for myself, and Christmas is the only holiday that gets any decorating around here.. My walls have a few things on them, but mostly they are pretty bare. I like empty space. I like simplicity. I like things to look clean and uncluttered. I don't wear a lot of jewelry or make up. I'm just not into all the glitz. I kind of think trees look really great in the forest, not necessarily in my living room. And then there is the work factor to consider.
What comes up, must come down. If I'm not excited about the task of putting it up, can you imagine how I will feel about taking it down? With my current attitude what decorations do go up could be there till Easter. When I think of the cost of buying, and shipping presents, a real tree, the stand, and all the ju ju that goes with it, the cards, stamps, blah, blah, blah, I get a little grumpy. I'd rather take that cash and do something meaningful with it, or at least really fun - like a party! or a trip! or at the very least some really yummy food. The time savings, well, I can think of a MILLION other things I'd rather do than shop and decorate! Taking a nap is at the top of my list of better things to do.
I love parties, and I like presents. I will go to all the parties I am invited too and open any presents that come my way with a big smile on my face. I will sing, and I will dance (if I get the chance). But, I won't go fight the crowds and waste my time and money on useless endeavors that just become next month's trash..
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