I've got something to say, something to share,
but life is too busy now, and I've no time to spare.
I'll write it out tomorrow, or maybe next week,
I've got somewhere to be, and and I'm sure this will keep.
Let me do just one more thing before I rush out the door,
I've been working all day, it's night now, but still there is more.
Someday I'll write down these thoughts, the stories in my head,
they linger in the chaos, persistent, I think they must be said.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Mystery Solved
I have these neighbors, you know, the ones that sing the bad karaoke at bizarre hours, have crazy parties on week day evenings that last until late, and take up every possible parking space on our parking restrictive cul de sac. They also play basketball, sometimes drunken basketball, at bizarre hours. How do I know it's drunken? Well, you tell me what you think. Would 15+ adults, (middle aged adults, not young adults, no 20 somethings here, these people are well past 30, and most are probably 40+,) play a game of H-O-R-S-E with lots of cheering and shouting at 2am on a Thursday night if they were sober? I wouldn't notice, or care about these activities, except their driveway is about 15 feet from my back door, and bedroom windows. Can you say loud? How about obnoxious? Irritating?
Recently I noticed several of the potted plants outside my rear windows were knocked over, broken, and otherwise dinked with during the night. At first I suspected a cat, or maybe an adventurous mongoose. Nope, it's not the limited "wild" animals of Ewa Beach messing with my attempts to grow my own food. It's my NEIGHBORS and their FREAKIN' BASKETBALL!!!! Not only do I have to listen to the bounce, bounce, bounce, T W AAAAA N G at all hours of the day and night, but now they are killing my plants? When they miss their shot, the ball heads straight for the back of my house, where my lovely plants are. In the last 2 weeks they knocked over my largest and loveliest tomato plant several times, knocking off the first green tomato, smashed some seedling pepper plants, uprooted my fledgling tomatillos, and broke off half of my largest bell pepper plant. The lavender has also taken a direct hit and is alive, but no longer quite so lovely.
So, when I find their balls in my yard, I'm gonna let my dogs play with them. They are not going back through the bushes to be hurled at my defenseless garden again.
Recently I noticed several of the potted plants outside my rear windows were knocked over, broken, and otherwise dinked with during the night. At first I suspected a cat, or maybe an adventurous mongoose. Nope, it's not the limited "wild" animals of Ewa Beach messing with my attempts to grow my own food. It's my NEIGHBORS and their FREAKIN' BASKETBALL!!!! Not only do I have to listen to the bounce, bounce, bounce, T W AAAAA N G at all hours of the day and night, but now they are killing my plants? When they miss their shot, the ball heads straight for the back of my house, where my lovely plants are. In the last 2 weeks they knocked over my largest and loveliest tomato plant several times, knocking off the first green tomato, smashed some seedling pepper plants, uprooted my fledgling tomatillos, and broke off half of my largest bell pepper plant. The lavender has also taken a direct hit and is alive, but no longer quite so lovely.
So, when I find their balls in my yard, I'm gonna let my dogs play with them. They are not going back through the bushes to be hurled at my defenseless garden again.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
44 on the 4th
That's a LOT of 4's! It's been a good day, lots of fun, good food, well wishes, and some cool presents. I even got to have bacon twice today. That makes it a stellar day for sure! Bacon does have magic powers ...
Along with all the good birthday jazz from my awesome family and friends have come some deep thoughts. Things I have been thinking about for several days. To everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn .... right?
So, I'm probably not going to be a neuroscientist, or a doctor, or an astronaut (gave that one up a long time ago), or a gymnast, or a great dancer, or a host of many other such things. I"m not going to have any more babies (I suppose you never know, but really, I think that ship has sailed). Grandparenthood is pretty much staring me in the face, coming right on down that track. That 's not bad, not bad at all, just well, new. It's an adjustment. For somethings, the time has come and gone. I'm not totally comfortable with that, but I don't suppose that makes any difference in the matter, it's here, like it or not.
What I am not fine with is settling for mediocrity. I want to accomplish great things in my life. I want to make a difference. I want to DO something. I want to achieve something big, finish something difficult, take something to a level of excellence, really reach the top. I don't want to be a CEO, I don't need to run the world, but I DO need to step out of the middle of the road and get to something great. I feel dissatisfied, like I have wasted a lot of time just getting by, and not really doing much with what God has given me. I work hard, always have, but looking back it all seems sort of aimless, a lot of wandering from thing to thing. I am fairly competent at a lot of things. I'd really like to be the best at something, something that matters. That sounds like I'm looking for recognition from the world. Maybe I am a little bit, but not really, not at the core. The praise of others is not the driving force. It's the voice inside my head, the one that says, "You are more than all this. You are destined for greatness, why do you sit and wallow in your mediocrity? Why are you content with good enough? Get up, try harder, you can do better. " It's that voice that won't shut up. It's that voice that wakes me up at night with thoughts of, "Go back to school, you need to finish it."
I don't want to spend any more of my life just getting by, doing just enough, feeling like middle of the road is all I can do. It's not true. I know it's not. I've always felt like there was more out there, that I had some spark of greatness, something that I was meant to do, that only I can do, that I MUST do. There are choices I can no longer make, the time has passed. There are options no longer open. But this does not mean that I am stuck, or that there aren't many, many, many choices left to make, chances left to take, dreams to dream, and goals to achieve.
I guess I'm just feeling a little disappointed in myself right now. I know who I am, and what I am capable of, and I have not been living up to that level. I got tired, and I let things slide. I kind of gave up on somethings, and settled in. I let the hard knocks of life knock me out a bit. Shrink the pond, rather than be a bigger fish. Run in the middle of the herd instead of blaze the trail. Float along instead of row and steer the boat.
I see it, and I feel it, but doing it, well, that's a whole other ball of wax..... I still feel so tired. So tired from all the work, all the effort to just keep it all going. The never ending struggle to make ends meet, do what has to be done, by the skin of my teeth, just in the nick of time. winging it, flying along by the seat of my pants.. At some point I just want to do things right, all of them, once and for all. Do it, for real.
Along with all the good birthday jazz from my awesome family and friends have come some deep thoughts. Things I have been thinking about for several days. To everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn .... right?
So, I'm probably not going to be a neuroscientist, or a doctor, or an astronaut (gave that one up a long time ago), or a gymnast, or a great dancer, or a host of many other such things. I"m not going to have any more babies (I suppose you never know, but really, I think that ship has sailed). Grandparenthood is pretty much staring me in the face, coming right on down that track. That 's not bad, not bad at all, just well, new. It's an adjustment. For somethings, the time has come and gone. I'm not totally comfortable with that, but I don't suppose that makes any difference in the matter, it's here, like it or not.
What I am not fine with is settling for mediocrity. I want to accomplish great things in my life. I want to make a difference. I want to DO something. I want to achieve something big, finish something difficult, take something to a level of excellence, really reach the top. I don't want to be a CEO, I don't need to run the world, but I DO need to step out of the middle of the road and get to something great. I feel dissatisfied, like I have wasted a lot of time just getting by, and not really doing much with what God has given me. I work hard, always have, but looking back it all seems sort of aimless, a lot of wandering from thing to thing. I am fairly competent at a lot of things. I'd really like to be the best at something, something that matters. That sounds like I'm looking for recognition from the world. Maybe I am a little bit, but not really, not at the core. The praise of others is not the driving force. It's the voice inside my head, the one that says, "You are more than all this. You are destined for greatness, why do you sit and wallow in your mediocrity? Why are you content with good enough? Get up, try harder, you can do better. " It's that voice that won't shut up. It's that voice that wakes me up at night with thoughts of, "Go back to school, you need to finish it."
I don't want to spend any more of my life just getting by, doing just enough, feeling like middle of the road is all I can do. It's not true. I know it's not. I've always felt like there was more out there, that I had some spark of greatness, something that I was meant to do, that only I can do, that I MUST do. There are choices I can no longer make, the time has passed. There are options no longer open. But this does not mean that I am stuck, or that there aren't many, many, many choices left to make, chances left to take, dreams to dream, and goals to achieve.
I guess I'm just feeling a little disappointed in myself right now. I know who I am, and what I am capable of, and I have not been living up to that level. I got tired, and I let things slide. I kind of gave up on somethings, and settled in. I let the hard knocks of life knock me out a bit. Shrink the pond, rather than be a bigger fish. Run in the middle of the herd instead of blaze the trail. Float along instead of row and steer the boat.
I see it, and I feel it, but doing it, well, that's a whole other ball of wax..... I still feel so tired. So tired from all the work, all the effort to just keep it all going. The never ending struggle to make ends meet, do what has to be done, by the skin of my teeth, just in the nick of time. winging it, flying along by the seat of my pants.. At some point I just want to do things right, all of them, once and for all. Do it, for real.
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