For example, you have a crappy day at work. The boss is a jerk, he makes you do stupid tasks, and stay late. Your bad day is all his fault, you had no choice in the matter, you had to do what he said, he's the boss. You feel totally justified in your anger and grumpiness. On the way home you are an impatient driver - honking, yelling, maybe throwing a few hand gestures. While driving, you call a co-worker and rehash the whole scenario, complete with all the things you wanted to tell the boss, if only you could! At home you are greeted by noisy children, and a disinterested spouse. You try to tell them about your bad day, but they can't hear you because they are telling you about all their drama. Dinner is your least favorite meal, you would NEVER choose that, and it's cold, because you worked late. Stupid boss, crazy family, yucky dinner - life just sucks!
It's really easy, so easy, to think like that. It's the normal reaction. Don't beat yourself up for thinking like that - everyone does.
But everyone is wrong.
You ALWAYS have a choice. There are so many more opportunities to choose than we think.
In the bad day scenario above, let's work backward and list all the choices along the way:
- You don't have to retell that story. When we retell a story, a part of us experiences it over again. Each new person who hears that sad tale also experiences a bit of the suffering. How many times do you want to have that bad day? I think once should be enough. Do you really want to share that with your loved ones? It was bad enough the first time, there is no reason to multiply the pain.
- It is your choice to be miserable. Just because you have to work late, does not mean you have to be grumpy about it. It is not required to respond to anger with anger. You can always choose your reaction to any situation. Bad news, angry people, less than ideal physical situations, maybe out of your control, but your reaction to them is not. Your mind is your own. Stop, and choose a different way. Don't give in to the negative all around you. Focus on what is going well, how this is a means to a good end, the weekend plans you are looking forward to, whatever. Just don't succumb to the misery.
- You decided to work there. You could have said no to that job offer. You could have quit as soon as it became less than ideal. You could have stayed home in bed this morning and avoid it all. Of course there are consequences to any of these choices, but they are available to you. Even if it is a family business, and you feel like you have no choice in the matter, you do. If you quit, your family might be angry, or disappointed, but you could quit. Life would go on. They would find a way to survive without you. There is ALWAYS an alternative. If you look at all the options and decide that where you are is the best, then be grateful for it, realize it is your choice, and be happy with it. If it's not, then move on!
- You selected your own spouse. Your marriage was not arranged. In fact, you didn't even have to get married if you didn't want to. Those out of control kids, yep, you chose them too. You might have felt pressured into those decisions, and went down the road of least resistance, but you did choose. No one put a gun to your head and said, "Marry this person and have 6 kids. NOW!" That was you, you decided to bring these people into your life. If it's really bad, why are you still there? If you made a mistake, undo it. I'm not suggesting it is easy, or simple, or even ideal, to break up a marriage or a family. But, if it is really as bad as all that, do something to change it. If you can't change it, then get out. You are not stuck. You always have a choice. The consequences of those choices might not be pretty, but are they better than what you are complaining about now? In any case, stop blaming your spouse for your unhappiness. You chose them, just as much as they chose you. Take responsibility for your own happiness.
- You made ALL the choices that led you to this point. Once upon a time you decided to do your homework or not, to go to college, or not. You chose your major. You selected your friends, your first job, your hobbies, the books you read, or didn't read. You took all the baby steps that lead you to this point. Unless you live in a communist country, your future was of your own choosing. No one assigned you a career path, you picked it, even if you picked it by default. No one assigned you a circle of friends. You picked them yourself. No one dropped you in to a family, you created it. You might not have given these matters the careful attention you should have, but in the words of the band, Rush, "When you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." Choices, your life is made up of YOUR choices.
