NOTE: I wrote this months ago. I have no memory of any incident that would trigger for this line of thinking. I don't remember why I didn't hit the Publish button. So, what the heck, why leave this in draft format when it might just save the world. (ha ha - just kidding - I know that Mom is the only one that reads this anymore and she already knows how to be kind. Sorry to bore you Mom, this lesson is not for you, but for me.)
If you were to judge my life by this blog you would suppose that I have been on a long vacation, in a coma, or quite possibly dead. None of which are true. I'm here, alive and kicking. Just a little busy and uninspired or disinclined to be creative.
Today I am irritated. I'm tired, my sleep was interrupted and cut short last night, and my head hurts. It's probably not the best day to sit down and finally express myself, but oh well. Here it is -
I believe there is real power in our thoughts. It is important to remain in control and keep things positive. It does not improve relationships when our priority is to always be right. Our priority should be to be kind. The feelings between the parties involved are more important than who is correct, who is or isn't at fault, etc. There are no winners in the blame game.
I try really hard to do things right. I am diligent about being organized. I communicate important, and not so important (just ask my husband), information freely. I do not like to make mistakes, or forget to do something important. Even with all this effort, still, things go wrong, miscommunications happen, I forget and I screw up. I seriously hate it when that happens. But, do you know what I hate even more? I really, really hate it when I do it all right, and someone THINKS that I screwed up, when I didn't. It bugs me to no end when I am not at fault, yet another person thinks I am. Oh, the injustice of it all!
I imagine it all started in childhood, as most things do. I remember an instance from 3rd grade. I was a bit of teacher's pet, kiss up, book nerd in school. I was lots smaller than all my classmates, wore glasses and had absolutely no athletic ability. I had to use what I had to my best advantage. Anyway, one day we were taking a test, and some of the big, athletic popular kids that sat near me were trying to cheat off my test. I was being a bossy little jerk and wouldn't let them. The teacher hears the ruckus and comes over. We all get in trouble for cheating. The teacher starts calling parents. I run to the bathroom crying. I was so ANGRY that I would be in trouble. How could I be in trouble with the rest of those losers? I was the victim. I was the smart kid, the good kid, and they were the cheaters. I just couldn't stand the injustice of it all! The worst part was that no adults would listen to me. They wouldn't let me tell my story. They just lumped me in with the losers and assumed I was a party to their cheating scheme.
Finally, I worked up enough courage to speak up. I got LOUD! I got out of control! I was ANGRY and for possibly the first time in my life I was actually HEARD! The teacher did not call my parents. I think I scared the teachers a bit. I was pretty worked up over it all. I did not receive any punishment like those cheaters did. Justice was served!
I had justice for that day, but I didn't make any friends. I was still on the outside looking in. The teachers now thought of me as slightly unhinged. I did not make my situation any better, in fact, I made it worse.
Even now, when these situations arise it is super hard for me to not jump into defense mode. I am going to PROVE to you that I did it all right! The only problem with that is that the relationship gets damaged. Does it really matter if they didn't read the memo you so carefully wrote or listened to your detailed plan? No, what matters is if they feel understood, heard, and loved. Pointing out my innocence and their guilt does not create any warm fuzzies. It shuts down productive communication and throws up walls. If I push it I might succeed in proving my rightness, but I'll be alone in that rightness, my relationship will be damaged. It's not worth it. The cost is too high.
So, why this obsession with being right? My goodness, it is a powerful internal force! When we are in the right we demand justice. When we are in the wrong we beg for mercy. What we really long for is acceptance and love, even when we are wrong. Wouldn't it be great to be surrounded by people that we felt safe enough with to let our guard down and be ok with being wrong? That being right didn't matter? It's safe to take a risk and fail with an audience of true friends. Being flawed working towards better in an environment of acceptance and love sounds pretty awesome.
The only way to get there is to be that loving and accepting person to those around us. We have to let go of our personal need to be right, our defensiveness, our judgement of others and ourselves. We can create that type of environment, one attitude at a time. Don't get worked up, let it go and remember it is more important to be kind than it is to be correct.
