Last night I dreamed that I died. It wasn't violent, scary, or even full of anxiety. I was calm as my car went off the side of the road and into the water. I was thinking how I couldn't reverse this, or fix it, it would be really bad for the car, and my cell phone was about to be useless. If I wanted to contact anyone I needed to do it quickly, then I thought, maybe it would be damaging to me too. I was then wandering around the large building full of people, either a mall or a hospital, not sure which, and also not sure how my mind could think of the two as interchangeable, but nonetheless, there it is. I was dead, but didn't realize it. I was confused. I could see other dead people, and the living. Some would talk to me and others didn't even see me. I was so confused. I wasn't sure where I belonged, or what to do next. I wandered, in and out of doors, through windows and walls, asking lots of questions and getting no answers. When I awoke I thought it might make a cool story, but now with a fully awake brain, probably not.
Dreams are usually not literal, unless you are dreaming that you need to pee .... You should take that one seriously and get up!! Dreams are usually symbolic. So, what might this mean? Does it mean that a phase of my life has come to an end? A calm, peaceful, and irreversible end? It's nothing tragic, its just time to move on. Am I now wandering around confused looking for answers from sources who have none? Do I have the ability to move through the next door, window, or even wall, without hindrance? I don't need to wait for someone to open the door, I can just walk right on through? What is the symbolism of the hospital/mall? Maybe that one is just a bit of undigested beef :) (Hey, it is Christmas, and Dickens is awesome!)
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
My House Smells Like Memories
Thanksgiving dinner is so much more than the food on the plate, but it is important. Who is sitting around the table is more important, but even that isn't all of it. To me, the meaning of a Thanksgiving day celebration is the cumulative total of it all. It is all the years and all the combinations. The overlapping layers of sensory experiences. Some things are core - like the turkey, and going around saying what you are most thankful for, but I suppose if you had enough of the other pieces, you could have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner even without these.
As I was preparing the big, bald bird last night, I thought about how I used to watch my Grandmother do exactly what I was doing. I was fascinated and disgusted by her reaching her hand in and pulling out the neck and that bag of grossness. As I stuck my hand in to that carcass, it could have been her hand, or my mother's hand. All of us, over the years, over the decades and the generations, doing the same things, creating the same meal, the same celebration for our families. I like feeling that connection to the past, the connection to where I came from.
I woke up early today and baked a pumpkin pie, then got the stuffing going, and eventually the turkey in the oven. The combination of those smells, brought up memories of Thanksgivings of the past. It was almost like the ghost of Thanksgiving past was there, taking me on a tour. Those times when I was a kid, and all I had to do was watch, wait and eat, my first Thanksgiving on my own, when I had to work at the theater, the Thanksgiving at my grandparents right before we got married, those years when we were in St. Louis, then Colorado, and Utah, and now here in Hawaii. Thanksgivings as a child, then with small children, and now the children grown and half way across the world in different directions, all of them rolling together. All those locations, and the rotation of people at the table, yet they were somehow, fundamentally the same. They have a common thread - gratitude for the wonderful blessing of family, and freedom, the ability to pursue our individual dreams of happiness with a good chance of success. Thanksgiving in my world has always been about love and gratitude for God, family and freedom. My commitment to those ideals is strengthened by the cumulative memories carried on the traditional scents of the day.
Traditions are important, it's how we pass along our values, culture and faith to the next generation. We keep doing things the way we always have so that those core values are strengthened, and the meaningful things of life are not lost.
As I was preparing the big, bald bird last night, I thought about how I used to watch my Grandmother do exactly what I was doing. I was fascinated and disgusted by her reaching her hand in and pulling out the neck and that bag of grossness. As I stuck my hand in to that carcass, it could have been her hand, or my mother's hand. All of us, over the years, over the decades and the generations, doing the same things, creating the same meal, the same celebration for our families. I like feeling that connection to the past, the connection to where I came from.
I woke up early today and baked a pumpkin pie, then got the stuffing going, and eventually the turkey in the oven. The combination of those smells, brought up memories of Thanksgivings of the past. It was almost like the ghost of Thanksgiving past was there, taking me on a tour. Those times when I was a kid, and all I had to do was watch, wait and eat, my first Thanksgiving on my own, when I had to work at the theater, the Thanksgiving at my grandparents right before we got married, those years when we were in St. Louis, then Colorado, and Utah, and now here in Hawaii. Thanksgivings as a child, then with small children, and now the children grown and half way across the world in different directions, all of them rolling together. All those locations, and the rotation of people at the table, yet they were somehow, fundamentally the same. They have a common thread - gratitude for the wonderful blessing of family, and freedom, the ability to pursue our individual dreams of happiness with a good chance of success. Thanksgiving in my world has always been about love and gratitude for God, family and freedom. My commitment to those ideals is strengthened by the cumulative memories carried on the traditional scents of the day.
Traditions are important, it's how we pass along our values, culture and faith to the next generation. We keep doing things the way we always have so that those core values are strengthened, and the meaningful things of life are not lost.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
I Really Should Be Sleeping
I have an early morning ahead of me, and I really should be asleep. It is true that we make time to do what we really want to do. Even when our days are long and full, if we really want it, we can squeeze out a few minutes for those things we are most passionate about. Apparently I am passionate about Words with Friends. I find time to play WWF everyday ☺!
Back in January I had some high hopes and opened my big mouth and boldly declared that I would have a rough draft of a book ready by my birthday - HA! September seemed like a l o o o o o n g way off. It was not. I was wrong. It was an incredibly short span of time, and I was totally ridiculous, and overly optimistic to think that I could produce anything remotely like a manuscript in less than 9 months. Crazy talk.
My birthday came and went. It was a great day, I felt loved, but no book was written. No outline, no draft, no nothing, zip ....
I have decided that, yes, I want to write a book, and no, I did not want to bad enough to actually do it in the last 9 months. I have also decided that it is difficult, if not impossible, for me to schedule creativity. I can't put, "be creative", on a to do list like, say, "go to the bank". It just doesn't work. I think what may work for me is to put things on my to do list that inspire creativity. Rather than the actual task of creating, I need to schedule time to ponder, observe, experience new things, read, relax. My daily lists need to include things like - hike, walk, watch the sunrise, watch the sunset, go to the beach, go to lunch with friends, read a book, take a class, study a subject. When I do these things, my mind becomes more active and creativity flows. When my creative mind is working, you can't stop me from writing.
Back in January I had some high hopes and opened my big mouth and boldly declared that I would have a rough draft of a book ready by my birthday - HA! September seemed like a l o o o o o n g way off. It was not. I was wrong. It was an incredibly short span of time, and I was totally ridiculous, and overly optimistic to think that I could produce anything remotely like a manuscript in less than 9 months. Crazy talk.
My birthday came and went. It was a great day, I felt loved, but no book was written. No outline, no draft, no nothing, zip ....
I have decided that, yes, I want to write a book, and no, I did not want to bad enough to actually do it in the last 9 months. I have also decided that it is difficult, if not impossible, for me to schedule creativity. I can't put, "be creative", on a to do list like, say, "go to the bank". It just doesn't work. I think what may work for me is to put things on my to do list that inspire creativity. Rather than the actual task of creating, I need to schedule time to ponder, observe, experience new things, read, relax. My daily lists need to include things like - hike, walk, watch the sunrise, watch the sunset, go to the beach, go to lunch with friends, read a book, take a class, study a subject. When I do these things, my mind becomes more active and creativity flows. When my creative mind is working, you can't stop me from writing.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Hiking List
You can find out anything and everything about anyone on Facebook, except for yourself, apparently .... When I hike I always post pics, including location, date and who was with me. The other day I was trying to remember which hikes I have done, and where I want to hike next. (As you can see from the list below, it's not really that many, you'd think I could keep it straight.) I went to FB and started to search - even tried their new "grid search", whatever the heck that is. Useless. Compiling this short list took me WAY longer than I thought, so to prevent this from happening again, I decided to make a permanent list here, on my blog, where I know I can find it again. The photos might disappear, if Google does something goofy again, but at least the text will be here.
Aiea Loop Trail (12/24/2013)
Diamond Head (7/27/2013 & 2/24/14)
245 stairs (I counted)
Kealia Hiking Trail @ Mokuleia (7/4/2013, 3/16/2013)
Lanikai Pill Box Trail (6/22/2013)
Wiliwilinui Ridge. (5/27/2013)
Laie Falls Trail.(12/15/2012)
MaƱana Trail (12/8/2012)
Manoa Falls Trail (5/26/2012)
Kaena Point (1/24/2012 w/Cathy & Q to the point and back from Waianae side, 1/25/2014 w/ Jen from Waianae to North Shore and back 11.3 miles)
Makapu'u Point Lighthouse Trail(2010 w/Angela, Mallory and Quincie & 2/17/20114 w/Ryker & Taylor)
Manawili Falls Trail (2007 ??)
I took pics on this hike, on my crummy flip phone camera. Upon returning home I dropped my muddy pants into the washing machine, with said phone in the pocket. The phone survived, but alas, the photos did not. I am sure they were blurry, and rather unimpressive anyway, considering the quality of phone cameras back in the day :)
1. Diamond Head (Hiked 7/27/2013 & 2/24/14)
2. Koko Head
3. Aiea Loop (Hiked 12/31/2013)
4. Tantalus
5. Crouching Lion
6. Makua Cave (7/4/16 w/Cathy & M P, Q, Ryker & Tay)
7. Mount Ka'ala
Completed Hikes -
Manana Falls/Pools (1/19/2014 w/Cathy)Likeke Falls (1/1/2014 w/Jen & 1/11/2014 w/YW)
Aiea Loop Trail (12/24/2013)
Diamond Head (7/27/2013 & 2/24/14)
245 stairs (I counted)
2/24/14 
Kealia Hiking Trail @ Mokuleia (7/4/2013, 3/16/2013)
Lanikai Pill Box Trail (6/22/2013)
Wiliwilinui Ridge. (5/27/2013)
Laie Falls Trail.(12/15/2012)
MaƱana Trail (12/8/2012)
Manoa Falls Trail (5/26/2012)
Kaena Point (1/24/2012 w/Cathy & Q to the point and back from Waianae side, 1/25/2014 w/ Jen from Waianae to North Shore and back 11.3 miles)
Makapu'u Point Lighthouse Trail(2010 w/Angela, Mallory and Quincie & 2/17/20114 w/Ryker & Taylor)
Manawili Falls Trail (2007 ??)
I took pics on this hike, on my crummy flip phone camera. Upon returning home I dropped my muddy pants into the washing machine, with said phone in the pocket. The phone survived, but alas, the photos did not. I am sure they were blurry, and rather unimpressive anyway, considering the quality of phone cameras back in the day :)
Future Hikes on Oahu -
2. Koko Head
4. Tantalus
5. Crouching Lion
6. Makua Cave (7/4/16 w/Cathy & M P, Q, Ryker & Tay)
7. Mount Ka'ala
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
It's a Whirlwind in Here!
There are so many thoughts rolling around in my head of things I want to do and need to do - work, church, personal - big things, things with deadlines, things without deadlines that are more important than the things with deadlines, but because they don't have deadlines they might never get done, and that would be a terrible shame because they really are important, and could change the world, well MY world anyway. Whew .... THAT was a run on sentence! And just how it sounds in my head right now.
Have you ever had so many things swirling around you, and in your head that the only safe thing to do is to stay perfectly still, close your eyes, and maybe fall asleep? That's where I am right now. Hang on, I'll be back after a quick nap .......
Have you ever had so many things swirling around you, and in your head that the only safe thing to do is to stay perfectly still, close your eyes, and maybe fall asleep? That's where I am right now. Hang on, I'll be back after a quick nap .......
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Seeker After the Divine Adventure
I stumbled upon this phrase the other day and it struck a chord. It resonated deep inside me. The sound it made was a resounding, "yes". Yes, that is who I am, that describes what drives me. I am a seeker after the divine adventure. It's why I climb mountains, and hike muddy trails. I'm seeking the divine that is all around me. It's why I read. It's why I study. It's why I keep striving for something better. I am seeking after the divine. The divine within, and the divine that surrounds me.
For years I have said, mostly to my children, "We are not lost, we are on an adventure.". If you hang around with me long enough, you are bound to end up on an adventure. It happens almost daily. The world is full of interesting things, and you never know where and when they will turn up. Some of the very best moments have occurred while on an "adventure" (aka driving around sort of lost).
Just last week we were at the Criminal Justice Center (I thought maybe we would run into the Super Friends. Isn't that where they hung out???), housed in the Territorial Office building, getting Quincie fingerprinted. She needs FBI clearance for her visa application to Paraguay, and so, thus, the need for fingerprinting. Anyway, we are in a government building, on a busy city street with crazy traffic and all that entails. It has all the makings of a boring, or maybe even frustrating experience. But, we had a wonderful day!
The building where this office is located was very old, 1900 is old for a structure by Hawaii standards. Right inside the front door was a beautiful glass dome skylight. The State Moto is "Ua mau ke ea o ka Ź» Äina I ka pono" - The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness. What a beautiful statement! It makes me ponder how much life this land has left with the way our society is today ....
After conducting her business, we wandered around a bit, checking out the architecture of the building. The beautiful details were obscured a bit by haphazard modernizing. Some plywood there, sheet rock here, and some cheap laminate counter tops slapped up over there could not hide all majesty of the former home of the territorial government. Oh, the stories that transpired within those walls!
Right next door is the King Kamehameha V - Judiciary History Center. Since we still had about 20 minutes on the parking meter, we took a quick tour of the museum on the first floor. This is the building on King Street with the King Kamehameha statue out front. In the ceiling of the main entrance is this beautiful glass skylight. I love glass art - stained glass, blown glass, glass sculpture, sea glass - it's all beautiful to me. As we left that building, the day's best treasure was about to be discovered!
A middle aged blond woman hand makes, real fruit popsicles, and rides her bicycle powered cart to sell them on the street. We were lucky enough to meet her on the path to our car that afternoon. They were delicious! Heavenly! Divine in fact .... We tried a pineapple and a lilikoi. I've been thinking about them ever since. My tongue craves more! We devoured them as we walked to our car in the rain.
I love to walk in the rain. I have always loved the rain, especially a warm, summer rain. I have the best memories of walking through the streets barefoot in a summer rain with my brother Rik. It's always a summer rain here in Hawaii, it's one of my favorite things about living here. There is something truly magical about standing there with the rain coming down and the sun warming your skin at the same time. It's like standing in a rainbow. Someday I will find the right words to describe it.
Yesterday was a semi planned adventure. We had planned to do the Pillboxes (Ka 'iwa Ridge Trail)
early in the morning, then chill at Lanikai beach the rest of the day. Responsibilities and obligations got in the way, and we didn't hit the road until about 1pm. First stop (Ok, not the first stop. We wandered around a while looking for a good place to eat, stopped and then changed our minds, you know, it was a quest, and a quest never follows a straight line.) - Buzz's in Lanikai for some delicious food - especially the dessert of vanilla bean ice cream with toasted coconut mixed in as well as on top, drizzled with fresh lime juice - in a PIE CRUST! Yep - divine!
With ridiculously too full stomachs, we climbed a mountain. The first step on the trail was crazy steep and it got more challenging as we went along. In many places the path was not clearly defined and it was more like free climbing a mountain that hiking a trail. It was short, but steep. We gained over 500 feet in elevation in less than 1 mile. The views were SPECTACULAR from up there. The wind was pretty fierce and Q threw a few boomerang raisins. (That is the best use for the raisins in trail mix BTW.).
The WWII bunkers along the ridge look like old-fashioned pill boxes, hence the name. The bunkers are heavily painted with graffiti now, but they are still cool. I imagined soldiers hiking up there with all their equipment, and standing guard at those posts. The view would have been different then, without all those homes between the mountain and the beach. Oh, the stories contained within those walls! We all 3 managed to climb up on the roof of one of these bunkers. It was not the easiest thing to do and we felt quite accomplished.
As we trekked down, the rain clouds were rolling in. We walked the last few minutes in the rain. I love ending a hike in the rain. It's the best. 
Without moving our car, we walked a few yards to one of the best beaches on the island. The sand is brown sugar soft and the water is crystal clear. We had this stretch of beach all to ourselves while we swam and played. When the fishermen showed up in force we decided it was time to go. If they were planning on catching something that needed THAT big of a pole, I didn't want to be swimming with it!
We pulled up to the house at sunset. What a glorious end to another day of seeking the divine adventure! Life is Beautiful!
For years I have said, mostly to my children, "We are not lost, we are on an adventure.". If you hang around with me long enough, you are bound to end up on an adventure. It happens almost daily. The world is full of interesting things, and you never know where and when they will turn up. Some of the very best moments have occurred while on an "adventure" (aka driving around sort of lost).
Just last week we were at the Criminal Justice Center (I thought maybe we would run into the Super Friends. Isn't that where they hung out???), housed in the Territorial Office building, getting Quincie fingerprinted. She needs FBI clearance for her visa application to Paraguay, and so, thus, the need for fingerprinting. Anyway, we are in a government building, on a busy city street with crazy traffic and all that entails. It has all the makings of a boring, or maybe even frustrating experience. But, we had a wonderful day!
The building where this office is located was very old, 1900 is old for a structure by Hawaii standards. Right inside the front door was a beautiful glass dome skylight. The State Moto is "Ua mau ke ea o ka Ź» Äina I ka pono" - The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness. What a beautiful statement! It makes me ponder how much life this land has left with the way our society is today ....
After conducting her business, we wandered around a bit, checking out the architecture of the building. The beautiful details were obscured a bit by haphazard modernizing. Some plywood there, sheet rock here, and some cheap laminate counter tops slapped up over there could not hide all majesty of the former home of the territorial government. Oh, the stories that transpired within those walls!
Right next door is the King Kamehameha V - Judiciary History Center. Since we still had about 20 minutes on the parking meter, we took a quick tour of the museum on the first floor. This is the building on King Street with the King Kamehameha statue out front. In the ceiling of the main entrance is this beautiful glass skylight. I love glass art - stained glass, blown glass, glass sculpture, sea glass - it's all beautiful to me. As we left that building, the day's best treasure was about to be discovered! 
A middle aged blond woman hand makes, real fruit popsicles, and rides her bicycle powered cart to sell them on the street. We were lucky enough to meet her on the path to our car that afternoon. They were delicious! Heavenly! Divine in fact .... We tried a pineapple and a lilikoi. I've been thinking about them ever since. My tongue craves more! We devoured them as we walked to our car in the rain.I love to walk in the rain. I have always loved the rain, especially a warm, summer rain. I have the best memories of walking through the streets barefoot in a summer rain with my brother Rik. It's always a summer rain here in Hawaii, it's one of my favorite things about living here. There is something truly magical about standing there with the rain coming down and the sun warming your skin at the same time. It's like standing in a rainbow. Someday I will find the right words to describe it.
early in the morning, then chill at Lanikai beach the rest of the day. Responsibilities and obligations got in the way, and we didn't hit the road until about 1pm. First stop (Ok, not the first stop. We wandered around a while looking for a good place to eat, stopped and then changed our minds, you know, it was a quest, and a quest never follows a straight line.) - Buzz's in Lanikai for some delicious food - especially the dessert of vanilla bean ice cream with toasted coconut mixed in as well as on top, drizzled with fresh lime juice - in a PIE CRUST! Yep - divine!
With ridiculously too full stomachs, we climbed a mountain. The first step on the trail was crazy steep and it got more challenging as we went along. In many places the path was not clearly defined and it was more like free climbing a mountain that hiking a trail. It was short, but steep. We gained over 500 feet in elevation in less than 1 mile. The views were SPECTACULAR from up there. The wind was pretty fierce and Q threw a few boomerang raisins. (That is the best use for the raisins in trail mix BTW.). 
The WWII bunkers along the ridge look like old-fashioned pill boxes, hence the name. The bunkers are heavily painted with graffiti now, but they are still cool. I imagined soldiers hiking up there with all their equipment, and standing guard at those posts. The view would have been different then, without all those homes between the mountain and the beach. Oh, the stories contained within those walls! We all 3 managed to climb up on the roof of one of these bunkers. It was not the easiest thing to do and we felt quite accomplished.
Without moving our car, we walked a few yards to one of the best beaches on the island. The sand is brown sugar soft and the water is crystal clear. We had this stretch of beach all to ourselves while we swam and played. When the fishermen showed up in force we decided it was time to go. If they were planning on catching something that needed THAT big of a pole, I didn't want to be swimming with it!
We pulled up to the house at sunset. What a glorious end to another day of seeking the divine adventure! Life is Beautiful!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Common Ground
Our best friends are the best and our closest relationships are so close because we share a lot of common ground with those individuals. This common ground is often built upon shared experiences. We meet someone on the first day of school and we go through every day with them, side by side, we hear the same lectures, we do the same assignments, we interact with the same people, we share hours and hours of our life together. We are friends because our lives are entwined. Over time these experiences build a bond. Inside jokes develop, we know what each other is thinking by body language, and we feel like we really know each other. These types of shared experiences often develop at work, school, church, clubs, on sports teams, in our neighborhoods and families.
Deep and lasting bonds are built on more than just shared experiences. We share interests, values and passions. It's more than just experiencing the same thing, it is reacting to those events in a similar way. We are more likely to be close friends with someone that shares our sense of humor and laughs at the same things we do. We are drawn to people who laugh when we laugh, and cry when we cry - those who share our reaction to the world.
Our reactions to the world stem from our personality and our core beliefs. They define what is sacred, what is funny, what is important, what is meaningful, and what is abhorrent to each individual. These values are key to how we view and react to the world around us, most especially the people around us. What is funny to one may be obscene to another. What we value differs, and it differs by degree. No two are exactly the same. Most people have some things in common, some shared values, beliefs, interests, or desires. If you look hard enough, you can usually find some common ground between two individuals.
Deep thinkers want to have conversations with other deep thinkers. Born skeptics want to hash out theories with other skeptics. Sports fans want to play, watch and talk about sports with other sports fans. It's no fun to take someone to the hockey game that hates hockey. It is painful to have your enthusiastic response fall on deaf ears. In short, birds of a feather, flock together.
It's not an exclusionary mindset. It's not necessarily judgmental. It's just human nature, it's logical. It requires a lot of effort to build a relationship with someone who is vastly different from us. We have to dig deep to find the common ground. There may be great rewards for that effort, but it won't come easily, and most people don't have what it takes to work that hard on a relationship. It does not mean that we don't love, respect, or value people who are different than we are. It just means that life moves along more harmoniously when we are surrounded by people who see the world similarly to the way we see it.
We naturally gravitate to those that share the most sacred of our common ground. Friendships, marriages, and business partnerships that share a set of core beliefs have a better chance of success. This is not to say that we should find clones of ourselves, and only associate with them. We all need to share our strengths with each other. Finding team members who possess complimentary skills and talents is critical. What I am talking about are core values. When our core values are aligned with our team, then things flow more easily, and success is more easily attained. When we want the same things, and define success in the same way, we can move down that path more freely.
Relationships can erode when common ground is lost. If one or more of the parties radically depart from the status quo, it can be difficult. What was once shared is now in conflict. Resolving that conflict is a big challenge. It's difficult to adjust to a new way of relating with someone you have known for a long time. The points where you used to connect don't line up anymore, and the change is unsettling. This does not mean that the parties involved no longer love or care for
each other. It's not a matter of allowing or accepting that the other
person has changed, it's figuring out how to connect with this new set of differences. When individuals change, their relationships also change, as a
natural consequence. It's hard to know just where the relationship stands when the common ground erodes out from under you.
This can especially be true when someone changes their political affiliation or religious beliefs. What are the two subjects best avoided in polite society? Religion and politics? That's because the emotions attached to these points run deep. They pretty much set the stage for an individual's world view. These type of fundamental changes represent a major shift in how a person thinks and feels about life. It changes how they react to the events and people around them. It changes their relationships.
When someone close to use has a major shift in previously shared core beliefs it can feel like a personal rejection. For the person that has not made any shift, it can feel like the other party is rejecting them personally, along with their previously shared world view. If they no longer agree with how you think, they no longer agree with you. If they no longer value your ideals, they no longer value you. If they think your beliefs are wrong, they think you are wrong. It's a pretty logical conclusion to make. Logical maybe, but not necessarily helpful. If the particular core belief that changed was what the relationship was built upon, it might be insurmountable. How can two hunting buddies remain close friends when one of them becomes a vegan and a PETA activist?
The person who converts to a different religion, moves to a new country, or swaps political parties is a brave soul. Breaking with the pack can leave a person alone and without any deep connections. The old connections are weakened, even if the individuals involved are loving and accepting of the change, they no longer have the strength of unity, and opportunities for shared experiences diminish. New connections are just that, new. They don't have the benefit of years of shared experiences and so they are weaker. Often people revert back to their traditional religion, country, or ideology. It's hard to go it alone. Making new close connections takes time and life doesn't stop throwing challenges at you so you can get your new support system in place.
In most cases, if both parties really try, common ground can be found. It might be a small little plot, but it would be somewhere to start. When there is no longer any common ground, cherish the memories and respectfully part ways. When you come upon someone newly landed in your circle, extend a hand of friendship and help them build the strong connections they need. Love, patience, and understanding go along way toward finding common ground.
Deep and lasting bonds are built on more than just shared experiences. We share interests, values and passions. It's more than just experiencing the same thing, it is reacting to those events in a similar way. We are more likely to be close friends with someone that shares our sense of humor and laughs at the same things we do. We are drawn to people who laugh when we laugh, and cry when we cry - those who share our reaction to the world.
Our reactions to the world stem from our personality and our core beliefs. They define what is sacred, what is funny, what is important, what is meaningful, and what is abhorrent to each individual. These values are key to how we view and react to the world around us, most especially the people around us. What is funny to one may be obscene to another. What we value differs, and it differs by degree. No two are exactly the same. Most people have some things in common, some shared values, beliefs, interests, or desires. If you look hard enough, you can usually find some common ground between two individuals.
Deep thinkers want to have conversations with other deep thinkers. Born skeptics want to hash out theories with other skeptics. Sports fans want to play, watch and talk about sports with other sports fans. It's no fun to take someone to the hockey game that hates hockey. It is painful to have your enthusiastic response fall on deaf ears. In short, birds of a feather, flock together.
It's not an exclusionary mindset. It's not necessarily judgmental. It's just human nature, it's logical. It requires a lot of effort to build a relationship with someone who is vastly different from us. We have to dig deep to find the common ground. There may be great rewards for that effort, but it won't come easily, and most people don't have what it takes to work that hard on a relationship. It does not mean that we don't love, respect, or value people who are different than we are. It just means that life moves along more harmoniously when we are surrounded by people who see the world similarly to the way we see it.
We naturally gravitate to those that share the most sacred of our common ground. Friendships, marriages, and business partnerships that share a set of core beliefs have a better chance of success. This is not to say that we should find clones of ourselves, and only associate with them. We all need to share our strengths with each other. Finding team members who possess complimentary skills and talents is critical. What I am talking about are core values. When our core values are aligned with our team, then things flow more easily, and success is more easily attained. When we want the same things, and define success in the same way, we can move down that path more freely.
Relationships can erode when common ground is lost. If one or more of the parties radically depart from the status quo, it can be difficult. What was once shared is now in conflict. Resolving that conflict is a big challenge. It's difficult to adjust to a new way of relating with someone you have known for a long time. The points where you used to connect don't line up anymore, and the change is unsettling. This does not mean that the parties involved no longer love or care for
each other. It's not a matter of allowing or accepting that the other
person has changed, it's figuring out how to connect with this new set of differences. When individuals change, their relationships also change, as a
natural consequence. It's hard to know just where the relationship stands when the common ground erodes out from under you.This can especially be true when someone changes their political affiliation or religious beliefs. What are the two subjects best avoided in polite society? Religion and politics? That's because the emotions attached to these points run deep. They pretty much set the stage for an individual's world view. These type of fundamental changes represent a major shift in how a person thinks and feels about life. It changes how they react to the events and people around them. It changes their relationships.
When someone close to use has a major shift in previously shared core beliefs it can feel like a personal rejection. For the person that has not made any shift, it can feel like the other party is rejecting them personally, along with their previously shared world view. If they no longer agree with how you think, they no longer agree with you. If they no longer value your ideals, they no longer value you. If they think your beliefs are wrong, they think you are wrong. It's a pretty logical conclusion to make. Logical maybe, but not necessarily helpful. If the particular core belief that changed was what the relationship was built upon, it might be insurmountable. How can two hunting buddies remain close friends when one of them becomes a vegan and a PETA activist?
The person who converts to a different religion, moves to a new country, or swaps political parties is a brave soul. Breaking with the pack can leave a person alone and without any deep connections. The old connections are weakened, even if the individuals involved are loving and accepting of the change, they no longer have the strength of unity, and opportunities for shared experiences diminish. New connections are just that, new. They don't have the benefit of years of shared experiences and so they are weaker. Often people revert back to their traditional religion, country, or ideology. It's hard to go it alone. Making new close connections takes time and life doesn't stop throwing challenges at you so you can get your new support system in place.
In most cases, if both parties really try, common ground can be found. It might be a small little plot, but it would be somewhere to start. When there is no longer any common ground, cherish the memories and respectfully part ways. When you come upon someone newly landed in your circle, extend a hand of friendship and help them build the strong connections they need. Love, patience, and understanding go along way toward finding common ground.
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