Common Ground

Our best friends are the best and our closest relationships are so close because we share a lot of common ground with those individuals. This common ground is often built upon shared experiences.  We meet someone on the first day of school and we go through every day with them, side by side, we hear the same lectures, we do the same assignments, we interact with the same people, we share hours and hours of our life together.  We are friends because our lives are entwined.  Over time these experiences build a bond.  Inside jokes develop, we know what each other is thinking by body language, and we feel like we really know each other.  These types of shared experiences often develop at work, school, church, clubs, on sports teams, in our neighborhoods and families. 

Deep and lasting bonds are built on more than just shared experiences. We share interests, values and passions. It's more than just experiencing the same thing, it is reacting to those events in a similar way.  We are more likely to be close friends with someone that shares our sense of humor and laughs at the same things we do.  We are drawn to people who laugh when we laugh, and cry when we cry - those who share our reaction to the world.

Our reactions to the world stem from our personality and our core beliefs.  They define what is sacred, what is funny, what is important, what is meaningful, and what is abhorrent to each individual.  These values are key to how we view and react to the world around us, most especially the people around us. What is funny to one may be obscene to another.  What we value differs, and it differs by degree.   No two are exactly the same.  Most people have some things in common, some shared values, beliefs, interests, or desires.  If you look hard enough, you can usually find some common ground between two individuals. 

Deep thinkers want to have conversations with other deep thinkers.  Born skeptics want to hash out theories with other skeptics. Sports fans want to play, watch and talk about sports with other sports fans.  It's no fun to take someone to the hockey game that hates hockey.  It is painful to have your enthusiastic response fall on deaf ears.   In short, birds of a feather, flock together. 

It's not an exclusionary mindset.  It's not necessarily judgmental.  It's just human nature, it's logical.  It requires a lot of effort to build a relationship with someone who is vastly different from us.  We have to dig deep to find the common ground.  There may be great rewards for that effort, but it won't come easily, and most people don't have what it takes to work that hard on a relationship. It does not mean that we don't love, respect, or value people who are different than we are.  It just means that life moves along more harmoniously when we are surrounded by people who see the world similarly to the way we see it. 

We naturally gravitate to those that share the most sacred of our common ground.  Friendships, marriages, and business partnerships that share a set of core beliefs have a better chance of success.  This is not to say that we should find clones of ourselves, and only associate with them.  We all need to share our strengths with each other.  Finding team members who possess complimentary skills and talents is critical.  What I am talking about are core values.  When our core values are aligned with our team, then things flow more easily, and success is more easily attained. When we want the same things, and define success in the same way, we can move down that path more freely.   

Relationships can erode when common ground is lost.  If one or more of the parties radically depart from the status quo, it can be difficult.  What was once shared is now in conflict.  Resolving that conflict is a big challenge.  It's  difficult to adjust to a new way of relating with someone you have known for a long time.  The points where you used to connect don't line up anymore, and the change is unsettling.  This does not mean that the parties involved no longer love or care for each other.  It's not a matter of allowing or accepting that the other person has changed, it's figuring out how to connect with this new set of differences.  When individuals change, their relationships also change, as a natural consequence.  It's hard to know just where the relationship stands when the common ground erodes out from under you.

This can especially be true when someone changes their political affiliation or religious beliefs.  What are the two subjects best avoided in polite society?  Religion and politics?  That's because the emotions attached to these points run deep.  They pretty much set the stage for an individual's world view.  These type of fundamental changes represent a major shift in how a person thinks and feels about life.  It changes how they react to the events and people around them.  It changes their relationships. 

When someone close to use has a major shift in previously shared core beliefs it can feel like a personal rejection.  For the person that has not made any shift, it can feel like the other party is rejecting them personally, along with their previously shared world view.  If they no longer agree with how you think, they no longer agree with you.  If they no longer value your ideals, they no longer value you.  If they think your beliefs are wrong, they think you are wrong.  It's a pretty logical conclusion to make.  Logical maybe, but not necessarily helpful. If the particular core belief that changed was what the relationship was built upon, it might be insurmountable.  How can two hunting buddies remain close friends when one of them becomes a vegan and a PETA activist?  

The person who converts to a different religion, moves to a new country, or swaps political parties is a brave soul. Breaking with the pack can leave a person alone and without any deep connections.  The old connections are weakened, even if the individuals involved are loving and accepting of the change, they no longer have the strength of unity, and opportunities for shared experiences diminish.  New connections are just that, new.  They don't have the benefit of years of shared experiences and so they are weaker.  Often people revert back to their traditional religion, country, or ideology.  It's hard to go it alone.  Making new close connections takes time and life doesn't stop throwing challenges at you so you can get your new support system in place. 

In most cases, if both parties really try, common ground can be found.  It might be a small little plot, but it would be somewhere to start.  When there is no longer any common ground, cherish the memories and respectfully part ways.  When you come upon someone newly landed in your circle, extend a hand of friendship and help them build the strong connections they need.  Love, patience, and understanding go along way toward finding common ground.
 

On Top of the World

 

I love the feeling at the top.  With my world brought into focus on a tight spot of land, everything else falls away, step by step.  I am focused.  I am in one place.  I am not scattered.   I am whole.  

 The sun, the wind and the rain fall on me unfiltered by the world.  I am closer to God, the source of it all.  The light is pure, and my skin tingles with the warmth.  The clouds float by and I could reach out and feel their cool dampness.  The wind brings with it bird song, and the voice of Heaven. And when it rains, it is wonderful, the best. I am clean, my soul is refreshed.  New energy lovingly bestowed from above.

The world looks so different from the top of a mountain.  The worries of everyday life have shrunk out of sight.  The only details that remain are the beauty of the land, and anything I've brought along.  The world below is vast and beautiful.  The how and why of minute details are irrelevant.  The world is orderly.  The plan is evident.  It teaches me to trust.  

 

It's worth it, the effort of the climb.  Each step, each moment of the struggle, is worth the reward.  


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(These photos are from our hike to Wiliwilinui Ridge on Monday, 5/27/2013.  We had a group of 7 - The Putegnats, Michael, RJ, Q and I.  It was an awesome hike of around 5-6 miles, with an elevation change of around 1,700 ft from base to summit.  We started about 10am, had lunch at the top, and finished about 2pm.  And then it rained, and it was perfect!)

MIssing Photos

I don't delete photos.  I have photos of everything - my kids, my friend's kids, my dogs, my friend's dogs, rainbows, blurry rainbows, delicious food, fireworks, and many failed attempts at the full moon.  In many cases, I have duplicates of said photo treasures.  But somehow, I have lost many of the photos from my blog.  The ones I thought were actually important, interesting, and in focus enough to share are gone?  It has something to do with Google+ (I knew it was a bad idea, but got suckered in anyway).  Ok, so the online version is gone, but how in the world are all my multiple copies taking up space on my hard drive also missing?  I'm not happy.

I can't find the photo from March 2009 of a cake we frosted with my Grandmother's fluffy white frosting recipe.  I have other pictures from March 2009 - dogs, the beach, dogs at the beach - but no pics of frosting a cake.

Where have all my photos gone????

On a positive note, in the process of all this searching I did find some videos that my daughter thought were lost. 

The photos on my computer are in such disarray.  I really need to get them organized.  I have 2 Picasa accounts, don't ask why, it doesn't make any sense, even to me. I have countless folders of photos sitting on my hard drive, some labeled, some not, some dated, some not.  It's a mess.  I am feeling the pull to get it all sorted out.  Is this some latent OCD surfacing, or is it just my brain trying to help me avoid doing the taxes this week? 

Boat Dreams

Today we drove all the way down the West side of the island.  The West coast of Oahu is a gorgeous drive.  The road runs close to the shore for miles and miles.   With the windows down and my eyes closed I could almost believe that I was on a boat.  I love feeling the salty mist blow across my face.  It was a lovely daydream that was over way too quickly.

My boat dreams are not limited to my waking hours.  My nights are been full of nautical adventures as well.  The other night the whole fam was on a house boat.  It was pretty dang awesome floating around in comfort with everyone.  

There really is nothing quite like being out on the ocean. There is no cord, no tether to the land, to jobs and responsibility,  you are cut loose from the binding ties and are free.  There are no roads to follow, no restraints, or conventions.  Movement is not limited to straight lines.  On the water there are no lemmings, no lines, no traffic jams.  You go your own way, at your own pace and you get there by any path you choose.  Wander about, go in circles, or just float with the current.  There are no posted speed limit signs. 

I love the ocean because it makes me feel free in a world where freedom is disappearing.  The reality of freedom might be fading into memory, but on the water, it's still real.

Phone Call Before Dawn

 It's never good news when the phone rings before your alarm.  Last Sunday morning I woke  up to one of those calls.  I knew when I had a voice mail from my dad and a text from my brother, both before 5am, that something was terribly wrong.  Something irreversible had happened, and life was forever altered.  I really don't like giving bad news.  I hate having to make those sort of phone calls.  It seems like no matter how you say it, which words you choose, it is never right.  It doesn't convey the right feeling, it's always jarring, a jolt to the system.  Some words are better left unsaid, or at least delayed, so the illusion of peace can continue for a moment more.  I don't really even want to type out the facts of what happened.  I started writing this post last Sunday.  I couldn't publish it.  I don't really want to now.  You see, my dear step sister Cherie passed away.  How do you say those words lightly?  They carry so much weight.

She was young, only 48.  A vibrant, active woman, with a family, a husband, 2 grown sons, and grandkids.  She was ever a hero for those that needed rescuing.  She worked, she played, she served, she loved.  And last week she died.  We don't know what happened yet.  She went to bed Saturday night, and did not wake up Sunday morning.  No answers, only questions.

In the midst of all the unknown, here is what gives me great comfort.

• The last conversation we had was loving and kind.
• I can hear her laugh in my memory anytime I wish. 
• We last parted with a hug.
• Cherie is not gone.  Who she is lives on and I will see her again.
• Families are forever.

 I have been thinking of all the ways she touched my life and want her to know just how thankful I am that she became my sister.  Over the last week I have replayed so many memories.  I have laughed through my tears, and smiled in the sadness. 

Dearest Cherie,

When we met I was at such an awkward stage of life.  I was in Junior High and wanted so much to be cool and pretty and grown up like you.  I was too skinny, to dorky, too shy.  I had no idea how to dress or do my hair and make up or any of those girly things.  You made me pretty.  You did my hair and showed me how to put on eye liner.  I remember how you did my hair that fist time.  You curled it and pulled the front back in a blue ribbon.  It felt like magic, like you were my fairy godmother and now I got to go to the ball and be beautiful just like the other girls.  We cruised Main in your Corvette with the tops off, blasting Lover Boy.  I really thought I was cool when I was with you.  You never acted like I was a dorky kid.  You treated me like I was cool, even though I am sure I was not.  You were the cool one.

You taught me about boys.  What it meant to have a boyfriend, how to write a love letter, how to break up when they were a jerk, and how to flirt.  I am not sure I ever really mastered those lessons, but you tried.  You helped me feel ok about being a girl and growing up.

The first time I ever ate "fancy" ice cream I was with you - cookies and cream at a dairy in Norfolk.  You always were drawn to excellent food!  Your homemade pear butter is some of the best stuff to ever hit my tongue.  I wish I had it right now.

 I love your laugh.  It's the best laugh ever.  When you laugh, it's all out, from the gut.  That's how you are, every emotion is all out and from the gut.  You don't hold back - love, or anger, joy or sadness.  You are the genuine article, nothing phoney baloney about you.

Being part of a fractured, blending, crazy mixed up family, you are always the peacemaker.  You are everyone's "sister".  You are not limited by the bonds of blood, or marriage - you love us all!  When our parents were marrying, and things were stressful, you made it better for me.  I suspect, you made it better for a lot of people.  

When your own life got rough and scary, I saw how you handled it.  You took responsibility for your own situation, and went to work.   You showed me how to be a grown up., even if you weren't quite ready for it.  

When I was graduating from high school, and our shared parents weren't going to make it, you called me.  You knew I needed to know the bad news, and you had the strength and maturity to let me know.  You let me cry, and told me it would be ok.  You told me you loved me, and that you were proud of me for graduating.  You did what big sisters do, you took care of me, and tried to make it better.   You have always made me feel included, and wanted.  

I don't think I have every laughed or screamed more than on that skiing trip we all took that one Christmas.  Oh my goodness.... PO fessionals ..... I am sure only you and I get that joke!   More than once I thought we were going over the mountain cliff in that motor home!!!  Your scream is as unique as your laugh!    It was on that trip you taught me the important skill of how to take of your bra without taking of your shirt.  I use this skill nearly everyday.  I can't imagine life without knowing this!

My life is better because you were in it.  Thank you for being my big sis when I needed one.  Thank you for loving me, and teaching me.  Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your talents with me.  Thank you for being you.  I love you Cherie, and I miss you. 

Wendy

From the Mountain to the Sea

 

On Thursday Quincie and I ran away for the afternoon.  We found this awesome beach, and had it pretty much to ourselves. A few people came and went, but just look at all that  gorgeous, empty sand!.  The only footprints were from our feet.

Quinice found all kinds of tiny shells, sea glass and other beautiful things.  Her back got a little sunburned from spending most of the time like she is in the photo above.

The waves were fierce!  Standing in the shore break letting wave after wave slam into me was awesome!  There is something magnificent about the power of the ocean.  I love it!

Sometimes I crave the way it feels to have my feet in the wet sand.

The mountains come right up to the beach.  There were incredible views in all directions.  That mountain was calling our name, so on Saturday we came back and hiked it.  It is Kealia Trail, and the trail head is at the 3rd gate of Dillingham Airfield in Waialua. You can see the airfield in some of the photos.  They do skydiving, gliders, and small airplanes.  We saw several gliders and planes in the air as we hiked. 

We saw a bird eating these berries.  I am pretty sure it was a female pheasant.  Later we heard it's call.  I had no idea there were pheasant on Oahu. I tried to snap some pics, but it quickly went into the foliage.

There were a LOT of rocks on this trail, from GIANT to pebbles and everything in between.

It was so lush and green!  There were vines everywhere!  Truly hiking in the jungle.

You could see the ocean pretty much every step of the way.  We had to keep reminding ourselves to keep walking and not just top and stare at the beauty that was before us.

Q on top of one of the larger rocks.

Lots of lava rock to climb over at one of the many switchback turns.

Oh, the upness!!!  It went up and up and up, with so many switchbacks!

On the way down we sat under that giant rock and had our snack.  It actually got a little cold and Quincie was shivering.

We made it to the top right at an hour.  We did a LOT of lolly gagging.  We were trying to get a good pic of us and the awesome view behind us.  Where are the other hikers when you need them?

If you look closely, you can see the trail below.  Did I mention there were a lot of switchbacks?

That is the beach we were at on Thursday.  Looks like the waves are still fierce.  Pretty awesome view!

Yes, moss on a rock.  I wish I had brought my macro lens so I could have an even closer view of the stuff.

We are not exactly sure what this is - some sort of shrimp farm, or aquaculture farm.

Look at all that green farmland.

Yes, more moss on a rock.

I love hiking and exploring this amazing world we live in!  I'm so grateful to have shared this adventure with Quincie.  She's the best!   I want to see everything beautiful. I don't want to miss a thing.