Yoga

For years I have been curious about yoga, and admittedly, a little afraid of it.  From the casual observer's point of view it looks so serious, strenuous, and a little bit sadistic.  I tried a yoga video once in a group setting.  I just laid there and giggled.  I just couldn't take the on screen instructor, a tiny little guy with a super long, thin, braid of hair down the middle of his back, seriously.  The poses seemed silly, and embarrassing.  I had a nice time that night - giggling is fun, but it didn't do much to boost my desire to become a yoga devotee.

Over the last few years I have enthusiastically studied the concept of energy medicine.  I have read dozens of books, and taken days of classroom instruction.  Every modality, every author, every method, without fail, has an element of mediation.  They require a quieting of the mind, usually by controlling or focusing on the breath.

For reasons too complex, and personal, that has been extremely hard for me.  Especially the breathing part.  When I would try to focus, and pay attention to my breath I would nearly pass out from either holding my breath or hyperventilating.  What a freak!  I can't breath right??  For a while I was trying to run, or jog, or whatever, on a regular basis.  My legs could go and go, but it was the breathing that messed me up.  I would go for about half a block and then realize I was holding my breath and then frantically, like a drowning man, gasp for air.  I read books, articles, and talked with avid runners.  I tried all the different suggestions, with limited success.  Eventually I just gave up on the running thing.  I listen to audio books while I walk my dogs.  I don't think about my breathing, and it works out ok.

When I would come to the meditation exercises in the books I read, I might try it, or I might just skip that chapter.  Usually I would read it, but not actually do it.  If it wasn't the breathing, or lack there of, that frustrated me it was the constant noise in my brain.  As soon as I think the words, "quiet your mind", my mind starts racing with all the crazy thoughts imaginable.  At moments like that I think I understand what it feels like to be a 5th grader with ADHD trying to take a math test.  So, again, I would read through the chapter, try and fail at the exercises, and move on.  Give me something to DO towards reaching a goal, or learning a skill please!  How about something to memorize?  I can handle that.  But just sit there, consciously breathing, in and out, through my nose in a steady pattern thinking, "My Mind Is Quiet"?  Nope - not gonna work.  At least not for longer than about 15 seconds at a shot.

So, a few weeks ago Quincie and I decided to join the YMCA.  It is close to our house, and extremely affordable.  She wanted to get ready for track season, and I wanted to find a way to move my body in more interesting ways than just walking the dogs.  They have a great weight room with all the machines, an excellent outdoor pool, and group exercise classes - all included in the low, monthly fee.  So, we took a tour one Saturday, and signed up.

My first week I took a Tai Chi class.  I have a Tai Chi video that I have done and really liked it, but doing the same routine got boring for me, and I felt silly doing all those "magic karate" moves by  myself in the middle of my living room.  Ok, so I go to this Tai Chi class on a Thursday morning at the Y.  I am given a name tag to wear, and introduce myself to the instructor.  As I am standing there, rotating my ankles, I begin to feel the strangest sensation.  I feel so TALL, so long and lean, and YOUNG!  At 5 foot 4 inches, I am decidedly average in height, and 42 is only young if you are a sea turtle or a giant redwood.  So, what was the deal?  I was surrounded on all sides, by tiny, elderly, Asian women, most of them with hunched backs, and bowed knees.  Turns out that the full title of the class was Tai Chi for Arthritis - co sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation.  In that group I was TALL, and lean, and Young!  Besides that odd little ego boast, I really enjoyed the class.  The most amazing thing happened only a few minutes in - my mind was quiet!  I was actually focusing on my breathing, and I was still breathing, and my mind went quiet.  It was amazing and wonderful.  I have never felt peace on such a deep, and whole body level before.

I thought if Tai Chi, even Tai Chi for Arthritis, can be that good, maybe yoga deserves a chance.  I absolutely LOVE yoga!!  I haven't sweat so much, or pushed my body like that in decades.  It makes me feel like I did when I was taking several dance classes a day back in high school.  It's hard, but I can do it.  Well, most of it anyway.  Some of my muscles are super flexible, and others are not so much.  Just like in tai chi, my mind actually goes quiet in yoga.  I can find my breath, and just be there, in the moment.  Moving my body in challenging ways helps my mind to calm down.  It's quite interesting to me.  I am sure I should have learned this a long time ago from all the books I've read, and classes I have taken, but I didn't.  Who would have thought that learning to breath, and quiet my mind would be one of  the most challenging lessons of my life?

The yoga instructor is great.  She never does the same routine, each class is unique.  It is not boring, and it is not embarrassing.  Today she had us doing a lot of moves to open up our heart.  I was a few minutes late, so I missed that explanation.  All I know is that I was having a hard time with would should be very simple moves.  It was like my neck couldn't hold  up the weight of my enormous head.  I felt like my neck was going to snap and my bowling ball head would just roll down my back and across the floor.  Towards the end of class I took a minute to stop and focus and say to myself, "Whatever this is that I can't hold up on my own, please, just take it.  Take all my anger, all my fear, all my negative thoughts of any kind.  Take them and leave my mind and my heart quiet."    In that moment I felt a huge weight lifted, and tears sprang to me eyes.  Tears of joy and gratitude.  My mind was quiet and my heart was full of joy and gratitude as class ended.

The Best is Yet to Come

As the song goes, "time keeps on slippin' into the future".  2010 has come and gone, another Christmas, another New Year's Eve, another January 1st have all slipped quietly into the past.  What was once anticipated, is now a memory.  My theme for 2010 was "white space".  I wanted to find more white space on the pages of my life, less clutter, both physically and mentally.  For me 2010 was a year of cleaning out the old and leaving the empty space.  It was a challenge not to immediately fill each empty spot I created with some new thing.  No way am I perfect at this yet, and the project continues.

Just a few days ago I finally gave up my 10 pound wallet and replaced it with a chic new slim model.  I had to throw away, or put away, 3/4 of what I had been carrying around with me everywhere.  My wallet is a good metaphor of my life.  I was carrying around all sorts of unnecessary things.  Each of them were small, the heaviest thing in there was a quarter, but together they added up to a significant burden.  Each small burden I was unwilling to let go caused me daily pain and aggravation.  My wallet was so large that when I placed it in the stylish new purse Quincie gave me for Christmas there wasn't much room for anything else.  That's how it is with all of our emotional baggage we carry around.  When we try to fit into a stylish new life, there isn't much room for anything else we need if we bring all our old junk with us.

Switching to that new, shiny pink wallet was a process.  First I took everything out of my old, stretched out, beat up black leather wallet.  As I emptied the contents of each pocket I immediately sorted it for obvious trash.  I am all for saving receipts, but when the ink has faded and all you have is a plain white piece of paper, what is the point??  With all the pockets empty and the trash removed, I began to sort.

The obvious first pile was for money.  That's the main point of a wallet, right??  Then came the debit and credit cards, tossing the expired ones into the trash pile, both business and personal.  The other piles were business cards, receipts, store loyalty cards, membership cards, photos, notes from loved ones, notes to self, punch cards for free sodas, free shave ice, free bread, stamps, checkbooks, and finally, loose change.

There was no way all that stuff was going to fit in my new wallet.  Each pile had to be sorted for the less obvious trash, things to keep, but not in my wallet, leaving just the essentials to carry around everyday. I ditched all the pennies.  They take up too much space and weigh too much for what they are worth.  I should probably do the same with the nickels, but I'm just not there yet.  I got rid of the store cards that I rarely visit.  If I'm not a frequent shopper, why do I need a loyalty card?  I threw away all the expired coupons, then I thought better of it, and threw them all out.  They would all be expired before I looked at them again.  I copied the info from the notes to self into my iphone and threw them away.  The piles were shrinking!

If I examine my life like I did the contents of my wallet, I think in 2010 I managed to clear out the obvious trash, and started making piles.  I am still walking around with a lot of stuff I don't need on a daily basis.
It's hard to let go of those things that have been with me for a long time. My fears, my doubts, my favorite mistakes that I make over and over again.  I own them, they are mine. They are each small and simple things, but together they weigh me down and keep me from moving forward.  Each little fear added with all the others becomes a huge wall of fear that blocks my path.  Each tiny drop of doubt combined with all it's friends becomes a huge storm cloud raining on my parade.  Each small step backward is only one step, but combined with all the others has me miles behind in no time.

Each small thing I stuck in my wallet added to the outrageous weight of the whole.  By placing trash, and unimportant things in there I gave them the same importance as my money, or my driver's license.  I gave value and place to things I should not, and in the process diminished the value of the items deserving it.  In life we do the same thing.  By holding our false beliefs as near and dear to our hearts as the truth we elevate the one and debase the other. Fear and love can not occupied the same place.  The fear always taints the love.  The fear has to go.  Faith and doubt do not coexist.  The doubt always smothers the faith.  The doubt must go.

I love my new wallet. My purse feels so light on my arm, like its' practically empty. I am sure my chiropractor will notice the difference in my back and neck on my next visit. It's easy and quick to find what I need.  I'm not embarrassed to open that wallet in public.  There is no danger of it's contents spilling on the floor as I search for my Costco card. It feels great to travel light!

I am optimistic about 2011. I am still working on specific goals, but my theme is, "The Best is Yet to Come". There is much to look forward to.  Ryker leaves for China next month for an internship teaching English.  In May Quincie graduates from high school and by July both kids will be legal adults.  The nest just might be empty come Fall, and that leaves a lot of white space. I'm not sure exactly what I will do, but I am certain that the best is yet to come!

Additional Thoughts on Christmas

Last night's post might have come off a little harsh.  I am in actuality feeling rather in the Christmas spirit.  I've been listening to Christmas music, and singing along, in the car for a couple weeks.  The choir was awesome in church last week and I was glad that we got to sing along to a couple of my favorites.

Our Relief Society Christmas party is tonight and I'm really looking forward to it.  Quincie and I (Quincie's are prettier) made a TON of really awesome snowflakes for the table decorations.  I think they look amazing!

I am not grumpy about Christmas.  I just don't enjoy all the superficial hype.  The attitude of scarcity that starts on Black Friday is the opposite of the true spirit of Christmas.  The message of Christ is good news, it is love and hope for everyone, not just the first 5 in line.  His love extends to all and so in our celebration of his birth we should extend our love to all.  It's not about stuff - it's about love.

Thoughts on Christmas

I'm feeling a little disgusted with the general atmosphere out there in the world right now.  I just want to stay home, or go run away into the wilderness.  I just don't understand all the hype about "stuff".  I have been out of drinking water and milk for 3 days now.  I don't want to go to the store.  All the insanity about rushing to buy the latest, or hurry and buy this or that before they are sold out is making me crazy and wanting to be a hermit. I don't care if they are giving away the thing for FREE, there is no way you are getting me out of bed in the middle of the night to go stand in line to pick it up.  There is nothing I want that bad.

I finally broke down and went to the grocery store tonight.  I was half way into making dinner and realized I was out of tomato sauce.  Stuffed peppers NEED tomato sauce, so off I went.  While I was there I refilled my drinking water jug and bought some milk, and then I was out of there!  Thankfully the real Christmas trees just sold out.  That means that the parking lot can return to some sort of normal.  It's not like there are tons of parking spaces available on a normal day.  For  the last 2 weeks a fourth of the parking lot has been taken up by the massive tent selling trees.  Dead trees that smell wonderful, but are nonetheless dead. 

Anyway, I'm irritated.  Irritated that the stores are full of pushy, aggressive people competing with each other for parking spots, and then Christmas deals.  I'm irritated that the stores are pushing people to buy things they just don't need, and won't want in a month.  I'm irritated with the general selfishness and shallowness of the whole ball of wax.

I don't have any Christmas decorations up at home yet.  It's not that I'm anti Christmas, we are just undecided about real vs. fake and I'm not dragging out the boxes until we know what the heck we are doing with that stuff.  I don't want to be tripping over it for the next 3 weeks.  That will only get me more irritated.

All this might make me sound like a Hum Bug, a regular old Scrooge, but I'm not, promise.  I LOVE Christmas, but I DON'T love all this superficial crap.  I'm not big on decorations period - either for my house or for myself, and Christmas is the only holiday that gets any decorating around here..  My walls have a few things on them, but mostly they are pretty bare.  I like empty space.  I like simplicity.  I like things to look clean and uncluttered.  I don't wear a lot of jewelry or make up.  I'm just not into all the glitz.  I kind of think trees look really great in the forest, not necessarily in my living room.  And then there is the work factor to consider.

What comes up, must come down.  If I'm not excited about the task of putting it up, can you imagine how I will feel about taking it down?  With my current attitude what decorations do go up could be there till Easter.  When I think of the cost of buying, and shipping presents, a real tree, the stand, and all the ju ju that goes with it, the cards, stamps, blah, blah, blah, I get a little grumpy.  I'd rather take that cash and do something meaningful with it, or at least really fun - like a party!  or a trip! or at the very least some really yummy food.  The time savings, well, I can think of a MILLION other things I'd rather do than shop and decorate!  Taking a nap is at the top of my list of better things to do.

I love parties, and I like presents.  I will go to all the parties I am invited too and open any presents that come my way with a big smile on my face.  I will sing, and I will dance (if I get the chance).  But, I won't  go fight the crowds and waste my time and money on useless endeavors that just become next month's trash..

Life's a Party

Life's a party and today is one of those boring parties with bad food.  You know the kind, you don't want to go, but you feel obligated out of guilt or pity or some other dismal emotion.  You go, your one of a handful of guests, and you end up staying to the bitter end so the host doesn't have to clean up alone.  It's all obligation, and no joy.  What this party needs is some live music and cupcakes!

Well, today wasn't exactly like that for me, but it illustrates my point.  Sometimes the way I spend the hours in my day seem so boring and pointless, all obligation and no joy.  Why do I get myself obligated to dull, drudgery?  How is it that I am shut off from fun and excitement?  I really gotta step it up a bit and start living.  Shake this funk that's hanging around my head, step out of the clouds and into the sun.  

The Box

The box arrived in the usual fashion.  The delivery truck barreled down the street, the driver rushed out, rang the door bell, and dropped the box on the stoop with an unceremonious plop, then rushed off to repeat the process all over town at other doorsteps.  Some of those packages held birthday presents, books from Amazon, new clothes or replacement cell phones for those accidentally flushed.  Some were surprises, and others were expected, and a few, like the cell phones, were eagerly stalked and tracked every step of the way.

My box held none of these things.  It was expected, but not with great enthusiasm.  In fact when it arrived, it sat and starred at me from the couch for a couple of days before I could open it.  I started too, but I just wasn't ready.  It was sent with love and contained precious treasure, but no shipping insurance could recover the cost if the items were lost.  It was a plain brown, well worn box.  It bore the familiar hand writing on the address panel.  I have always envied that hand writing.  Mine always looks like that of a 2nd grader in comparison.  Neat, even, loopy in all the right places - that's my Mom - she's just like her hand writing - neat, even, and loopy in all the right ways.

Mom was the sender of the box, but the items were not directly from her.  They were a gift from the past, physical manifestations of memories, tangible reminders of love, a connection to the generation before her that lived, and loved, and is now gone.  But not gone, just moved on, or over, off the visible screen, but still here.  The items in the box are a physical link to the reality of my grandparents lives.  They lived.  They had a home, and children, and grandchildren, and all of us are still here, even when they are not.  The things they left behind help remind us that our memories are true.  They lived in that small house on Picotte Street and filled it with love, elephants, music boxes and old cars.  They filled their lives with children  grandchildren, and great grandchildren, and now each holds that love in their heart, and a music box, or a cookie jar, or an elephant or some jewelry in their hand..

The things in my box help me to remember, help me to remain connected to where I came from.  So long ago we all sat in front of the photographer - Grandma and all the girls - her 4 granddaughters.  It was such a fun day.  Grandma telling us to stand up straight and make sure our ears didn't stick out.  We waited so long for our turn, all the while laughing and joking.  That image hung on their wall, our 2 dimensional faces beaming those happy smiles at her every day, while our  3 dimensional smiles were far away.  It was us who left first.  We went away to school, got married, had babies.  She held the memory of us all together close for nearly 3 decades, there on the wall.  Now it hangs on my wall, and I see those beaming smiles, and those straight shoulders and feel that love.  We are together again in those moments.   We have never parted.  We are connected.

Sleepy Thoughts

My days start before the sun.  I love the look of the sky at 5am, it's a deep, dark blue, and the stars shine bright against that cool blueness.  The sun is rising somewhere and the black of night has warmed to a soothing blue.  The world is quiet at that hour, until my neighbor starts his Corvette about 5:10 and leaves for work.  The sound of that 1970's engine roaring to life brings back childhood memories for me..  It's not an unpleasant break in the silence.  Just like that, it is gone, and the silence returns.  By 6am the neighborhood is awake.  The runners, the dog walkers, the bus catchers, are all out on foot.  The cars are backing out and lining up at the hundred year light leaving the neighborhood.

Fifteen hours later, I am beat.  My head is fuzzy and my back hurts from sitting in this chair, staring at this screen all day.  Yet, still, I sit, and write these words.  Tonight in my feverish sleepiness I feel compelled to spill my thoughts out into the world.  My head feels crowded, too many thoughts getting all tangled up in there.  It's time to let a few out.

The sky is dark, and cloud covered, the air is still and sticky.  The humidity clinging like the hopelessly undone tasks of the day, refusing to let go, begging for one more moment's notice. The sound of distant TV's, dishwashers and A/C's blend into a form of silence. 


Tonight I am sleepy, easily lulled to sleep I looked without the filter for as long as I could today.  The sky trades sun for moon and my  eyes softly close into rest.

Way Over Due

Here are some photos of my long over due visit to Colorado.  It had been years since I had seen many members of my family.  Life is too short, and family is too precious to let time slide by like that again.

 The Noring Clan -  Mandy, Rod, Dad, Rik, Me, Florece, Cherie, Scott (top row) Aubrey, Kathie, Grandma Edlyn, Sandie, Taylor, Jordan, David (center row) Kaeili, Dagny, Carlie, Ricky (front row)

 Wendy, Rik, David, Cherie, Dad and Sandie

 Wendy and Grandma Edlyn

 Rik, Florece, Dagny, Carlie, and Ricky

 Tina, Mandy, Kathie and Rod

Dagny lost a tooth Saturday morning.

Rik getting ready to auto cross

Abram and Aaron

Aleck, Aina, Auntie Wendy, Alana and Ani

 Rik and Wendy at AutoCross