I Want a Waffle!

You know you've lived in Hawaii a while when you keep watching TV when the Tsunami warning siren starts to blow. It does make a difference that our house is out of the tsunami evacuation zone.  It's not like I was ignoring a real danger. As long as everyone is home, we are in good shape. 

The sirens started around 8pm last night and the first wave was due to hit around 10:30pm.  Since we live out of the evacuation zone we opened our home to friends that were facing evacuation.  We had some friendly visitors for a little while, just until the first wave hit and it was clear there was no danger.  I did change the sheets on the extra beds pretty quick!  Making a bunk bed is not easy, or fun, or maybe I am just out of practice. It did trigger memories of previous tsunami warnings.

The most recent one was March 2011.  We were at a church dinner at the time the sirens went off.  Our church building  is much lower than our home, so we just headed home.  The waves were small, and no damage was done to the island.  Thankfully, that is how they have all gone - warning, small waves, life goes on as usual. 

The time before that was moving day for us - February 2010.  That was an adventure .....  Our old house was in the evacuation zone, so that just confirmed our decision to move was a good one.  The notice to evacuate came before the crack of dawn, so we got an early start to our move, but had no help for many hours as most of our friends and neighbors were evacuating.  When they closed the road, the four of us ended up at Koa Pancake House enjoying a leisurely breakfast.  I love their strawberry, whipped cream waffles.  Last night as the sirens blew, and the memories came to the surface of my brain, I wanted waffles, and my family all around me.  Even though that was a stressful day, moving is always stressful, it was a good memory.  Waffles and my family - what could be any better than that?  Oh ya, bacon .... I always get a side order of bacon with my waffles.  Bacon makes everything better :).

In the time of a potential disaster I would prefer to have my family at my side, so I can see for myself they are safe and sound.  I am intellectually glad that last night the kids were on the mainland, far from any potentially giant waves, but I'd still feel better if I could reach out and touch them.  In the next few months Ryker and Taylor are headed to China for a year, and Quincie will be sent to a yet unknown location for her mission of 18 months.  It looks like the days of having my chicks safely under my wing during emergencies are long gone. 


All day Thursday I kept thinking that the date was significant for some reason. I must have checked my calendar 10 times.  It felt like I was forgetting something.   I ran through my list of family birth dates to see if I was forgetting someone - no, not a birthday.  Then this morning I was looking for something in the big plastic organizer of important family documents (always good to have handy in case of an emergency evacuation) and found my certificate of baptism.  Ah Ha!  So that's why 10/25 felt important to me!  I was baptized on October 25, 1984.  Yep, 1984. I was 16 at the time.   I am old.  What a day that was!  The course of my life was drastically changed for the better because of that event.  I am so thankful for the friends I had then that were brave enough to share the Gospel with me. Especially Sonja, who was a convert herself, and spent hours and hours trying to answer all my questions.  I remember the missionaries that taught me the lessons, Elder Rolfe and Elder Allred.  I am grateful for their sacrifice and dedication to bring the Gospel to me, and many others.  The youth leaders in the ward were awesome too.  They all made me feel like I had found a home, the place where I belonged.  My life has been wonderful!  I am eternally grateful.

Thankfully the tsunami waves were small, no damage done, and the warning has been lifted.  I've checked in with my kids, and they are safe.  All is well, except that I still want a waffle, and of course some bacon :).  

Later

I've got something to say, something to share,
but life is too busy now, and I've no time to spare.

I'll write it out tomorrow, or maybe next week,
I've got somewhere to be, and and I'm sure this will keep.

Let me do just one more thing before I rush out the door,
I've been working all day, it's night now, but still there is more.

Someday I'll write down these thoughts, the stories in my head,
they linger in the chaos, persistent,  I think they must be said.

Mystery Solved

I have these neighbors, you know, the ones that sing the bad karaoke at bizarre hours, have crazy parties on week day evenings that last until late, and take up every possible parking space on our parking restrictive cul de sac.  They also play basketball, sometimes drunken basketball, at bizarre hours. How do I know it's drunken?  Well, you tell me what you think.  Would 15+ adults, (middle aged adults, not young adults, no 20 somethings here, these people are well past 30, and most are probably 40+,)  play a game of H-O-R-S-E with lots of cheering and shouting at 2am on a Thursday night if they were sober?   I wouldn't notice, or care about  these activities, except their driveway is about 15 feet from my back door, and bedroom windows.  Can you say loud?  How about obnoxious?  Irritating?

Recently I noticed several of the potted plants outside my rear windows were knocked over, broken, and otherwise dinked with during the night.  At first I suspected a cat, or maybe an adventurous mongoose.  Nope, it's not the limited "wild" animals of Ewa Beach messing with my attempts to grow my own food.  It's my NEIGHBORS and their FREAKIN' BASKETBALL!!!!  Not only do I have to listen to the bounce, bounce, bounce, T W AAAAA N G at all hours of the day and night, but now they are killing my plants?  When they miss their shot, the ball heads straight for the back of my house, where my lovely plants are.  In the last 2 weeks they knocked over my largest and loveliest tomato plant several times, knocking off the first green tomato, smashed some seedling pepper plants, uprooted my fledgling tomatillos, and broke off half of my largest bell pepper plant.  The lavender has also taken a direct hit and is alive, but no longer quite so lovely.

So, when I find their balls in my yard, I'm gonna let my dogs play with them.  They are not going back through the bushes to be hurled at my defenseless garden again. 

44 on the 4th

That's a LOT of 4's!  It's been a good day, lots of fun, good food, well wishes, and some cool presents.  I even got to have bacon twice today.  That makes it a stellar day for sure!  Bacon does have magic powers ...

Along with all the good birthday jazz from my awesome family and friends have come some deep thoughts.  Things I have been thinking about for several days.  To everything there is a season, turn, turn, turn .... right? 

So, I'm probably not going to be a neuroscientist, or a doctor, or an astronaut (gave that one up a long time ago), or a gymnast, or a great dancer, or a host of many other such things.  I"m  not going to have any more babies (I suppose you never know, but really, I think that ship has sailed).  Grandparenthood is pretty much staring me in the face, coming right on down that track.  That 's not bad, not bad at all, just well, new.  It's an adjustment.  For somethings, the time has come and gone.  I'm not totally comfortable with that, but I don't suppose that makes any difference in the matter, it's here, like it or not.

What I am not fine with is settling for mediocrity.  I want to accomplish great things in my life.  I want to make a difference.  I want to DO something.  I want to achieve something big, finish something difficult, take something to a level of excellence, really reach the top.  I don't want to be a CEO, I don't need to run the world, but I DO need to step out of the middle of the road and get to something great.  I feel dissatisfied, like I have wasted a lot of time just getting by, and not really doing much with what God has given me.  I work hard, always have, but looking back it all seems sort of aimless, a lot of wandering from thing to thing.  I am fairly competent at a lot of things.  I'd really like to be the best at something, something that matters.  That sounds like I'm looking for recognition from the world.  Maybe I am a little bit, but not really, not at the core.  The praise of others is not the driving force.  It's the voice inside my head, the one that says, "You are more than all this.  You are destined for greatness, why do you sit and wallow in your mediocrity?  Why are you content with good enough?  Get up, try harder, you can do better. "  It's that voice that won't shut up.  It's that voice that wakes me up at night with thoughts of, "Go back to school, you need to finish it." 

I don't want to spend any more of my life just getting by, doing just enough, feeling like middle of the road is all I can do.  It's not true.  I know it's not.  I've always felt like there was more out there, that I had some spark of greatness, something that I was meant to do, that only I can do, that I MUST do.  There are choices I can no longer make, the time has passed.  There are options no longer open.  But this does not mean that I am stuck, or that there aren't many, many, many choices left to make, chances left to take, dreams to dream, and goals to achieve. 

I guess I'm just feeling a little disappointed in myself right now.  I know who I am, and what I am capable of, and I have not been living up to that level.  I got tired, and I let things slide.  I kind of gave up on somethings, and settled in.  I let the hard knocks of life knock me out a bit.  Shrink the pond, rather than be a bigger fish.  Run in the middle of the herd instead of blaze the trail.  Float along instead of row and steer the boat. 

I see it, and I feel it, but doing it, well, that's a whole other ball of wax..... I still feel so tired.  So tired from all the work, all the effort to just keep it all going.  The never ending struggle to make ends meet, do what has to be done, by the skin of my teeth, just in the nick of time. winging it, flying along by the seat of my pants..  At some point I just want to do things right, all of them, once and for all.  Do it, for real. 

Thoughts from 3am

Last night, or more correctly really early this morning, I woke up with the answer to a question I have been pondering running through my mind.  I woke up enough to type it into the notes of my phone, and then promptly fell back asleep. 

I sort of thought it was all a dream until I was at the bank this afternoon and while scrolling through my notes for an account number ( I know - I shouldn't keep bank account numbers in my phone like that, but honestly, where do you keep them? ) So, anyway, I click open my notes and there it is -  It's so interesting, the title of the note is "Fixing My Gaze"  I don't remember when I started that note, or what I was thinking when I titled that blank page, but there it was, open, titled, and waiting for these words.

A blessing is not a reward you earn, or a goal you achieve.

A blessing is a gift from God.  All that is required is for you to receive.

I'm Gonna Miss My Friend

I always wanted to be a mother. I couldn't wait to have kids, and when they were babies I couldn't wait for them to start talking.  I wanted to know them.  I wanted to hear what they had to say and what they thought about this world.  I love my kids, I like my kids, they are some of my very best friends.  They are wonderful, interesting, kind, loving, unique individuals.  My life is so much richer because  of them.  They are my purpose, my joy and my strength.  Because of them, I am a better person.

They have been coming and going in longer and further flights out of the nest for a few years now.   I miss them when they are gone.  I don't worry about them any more than I do when they are home.  I trust them to be smart and safe and all that jazz.  I know they are in Heavenly Father's hands, and I don't worry.  I just miss my friends.

Later today Quincie is leaving for her next big adventure.  She is going to visit family in Arizona and Colorado, then it's off to Maine for the next Y E A R or so.  Yes, I said year - holy crap, I'm gonna miss her!  I'm excited for her, feel at peace about her plans, etc.  She needs to go explore the world, meet new people, see new things and get off this rock for awhile.  I wouldn't want her to change her plans, and stay home with me.  Nor do I think it would be a good idea for me to tag along on her adventure.  It's  how life  is supposed to go, and I"m good with that.  I"m just gonna miss my friend.

Welcome to the Family!

I don't think I am going to get a darn thing done until I get these thoughts out of my head and down in type.  So, even though I haven't done a lick of work all day, and it's 10 til 5 on a Friday afternoon, I am going to sit here and write.  What's more important than a blog post, right?

So, today has been an emotional day for me.  I'm not gonna lie, I have shed a few tears.  Tears of joy, and some tears of sadness.  I really wish I had a teleportation device, or at least a private jet. Heck, I'd even settle for a giant pile of cash, which I would promptly spend on plane tickets :).   It's so hard to be so far away from family, especially on days like today.  It's pretty much impossible to do a spontaneous trip from Hawaii.  There is no possibility of an all night road trip.  Today while my body was here in Hawaii, my heart was in Utah.  Why you say?

There are so many ways to put it - Welcome to the family Taylor!. - Today I became a mother-in-law. - Today our family grew by one.  - We now have another daughter.. - My son is a married man. -  - Congratulations Ryker and Taylor!  Anyway you say it, the fact remains that today, is a big day. in the Minks family!  We have grown, our arms have extended to embrace another. 

The easiest explanation is that Ryker and Taylor eloped. ( I am not sure if it technically qualifies as eloping if you tell your parents first.) They have been talking about marriage for a while now., so it wasn't a big surprise.  It wasn't a matter of if, just when.  The answer to when became,"today"!   There are all kinds of practical, logical reasons for why, but I think the best answer is because they love each other and want to be together.  Isn't that really the only right reason for getting married? 

They are good for each other.  They make each other happy.  They are kind and sweet and have fun together.  They are a good match.  I am happy that my son has found love like that .  It's what makes life worth living.  Love is the substance that makes the bitter pills easier to swallow, the hills easier to climb, the battles worth fighting.  Love is the frosting on the cake, the sweet smell of a beautiful flower.  Love makes the hard times easier, and the good times great.   It's a precious and lucky thing to find.  When you find it, grab a hold and don't let go.   I love you Ryker and Taylor!  Welcome to the family!

NOTE:  Photos to follow.  There are photos, thanks to my amazing friend, Angie!  I will try to be patient while I wait for them.  :)  Darn it's hard to be so far away!

7/27/2012 - The Pictures are Here!!  The Pictures are Here!!

She is only she ...

"She is no longer I, she is too long ago, she is only she..." 

 — Gregory Maguire

 There on that bench sits 19 year old me.  She is me, and I am her, or at least we were ...  or something like that. She is bold, head strong, determined, and full of enthusiasm.  She knows what she wants, and is not easily deterred.  If you question her choices, she only sticks to them with more resolve.  She is an impulsive risk taker that listens to her own heart more than any outside advise.  She is not teachable.  She is impatient, and wants life to hurry up and get to the good stuff.  She's pretty sure she knows how to make all that happen.  She is ignorant of her ignorance.  

When she is alone and quiet and honest with herself, she is afraid.  She is afraid that she might not be smart enough, good enough, or strong enough.  She is afraid that she might be wrong.  She is worried that the unknown might swallow her up and silence all her dreams.  She is terrified to fail.  To avoid this fear she stays in a state of perpetual motion.  Each day is full and each night she collapses with exhaustion, leaving no time to think and let the doubts and fears creep in.

If time travel, or communication across time at least, were a reality, what would I tell her?  What could I say that she wouldn't dismiss along with all the other voices?  I think she would listen to me, if I said it just right.

I would tell her this - First and foremost - "You are good enough, smart enough and strong enough.  You are capable of having a wonderful life and doing all that you dream of.  Don't doubt yourself.  Aim high and stay the course. Perfection is overrated.  Be patient. Be patient with yourself.  Be patient with others.  Slow down, relax and breathe.  Don't rush life, it goes by far too quickly.  Cherish each moment, each step along the path.  Be yourself, always, don't change who you are to try and please others, or fit in, or avoid conflict, or for any other reason.  Your authentic individuality is valuable.  Don't be afraid of your imperfections.  Love more, and fear less."

I don't think I would try and change any of life's details, even those I think of as mistakes, or opportunities lost.  I wouldn't say, "Stay in college and get your degree." or "Start an IRA."  She wouldn't listen anyway ...   I know myself much better now, and to have any effect, my advice would need to be subtle and in no way even hint at encroaching on free will.  

Life has chipped away at her and transformed her into me. I am a different person today than I was 20 some years ago.  I am now aware of my ignorance.  I am much less critical, of myself and others.   I have seen enough to know that in most situations, I don't know enough to judge.  Life is hard, and people are complicated. Perfection is not a requirement for love and acceptance.  Not by me, or for me.  God does not require it, and neither do I.  

 

For sure there are things that have happened since then that were not in the plan, unfathomable things of great joy and great sorrow.  Some days it feels like life has beaten the drive and determination out of me.  I long for the strength and energy I once had.  There are regrets, things I wish I would have done better, things I would not want to live through again. The times I have given up, thrown in the towel and caved to the fears and doubts I feel like I have let her down, that bold young woman bent on perfection. She expected much better.  She expected to win.  She did not expect to almost reach the mountain top and have to start over again and again.  Making it to the summit in one attempt is a great accomplishment and saves a lot of time, but I've come to realize that there is much more value in the climbing than in the arriving. I have learned so much from all the so called, failed attempts.  There is great value in playing the game, not just in winning. 

I'd like to say that I have become more teachable.  I suppose that acknowledgement is a step in the right direction, but I still don't take direction well.  Just the words, constructive criticism, put me on the defensive.  I still don't like to be wrong, but at least now I know that I am, on occasion, and it doesn't kill me to admit it.

 

At the core, I suppose, nothing has really changed.  I am still her and she is still me.  I am still an impatient, head strong risk taker, that doesn't  like to be told what to do.  I'm just not in such a hurry, and my eyes are a little more open to reality.